Ex left us for a 16 year old partner

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I posted annon a while back about ex leaving us to be in a relationship with a 16 year old.

Well, he is back and the manipulation is in full swing.

I'm so isolated, I've got no one.
At night - my heart physically hurts, my brain literally says 'I'm so lonely, I just need a hug' I wonder every night how I'm going to get through the next day get my kids to their activities, raise them into good people, work and not completely burn out.
I keep pushing people away and feel safer alone.

Anyway back to the point - I guess I feel vulnerable.

The kids dad is back after embarking on a relationship with a 16 year old (he admitted to me they initially met when she was 15 but they've lied to the police)

He says it was the worst mistake of his life. She blackmailed him with threats to the police and to save himself he did not contact us at all.
(I spoke to the girl and she confirmed she did not want him to see the children)

Their relationship was volatile. Constant police involvement. She had mental health problems and he later learned she was in a psyc ward when they met online.

The police were aware of their relationship by the way. I informed them also but it's legal in the uk. (Obviously wrong)
He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point... went on multiple holidays... so it's hard for me to believe it was all black Mail.

Stupidity after him begging and manipulating my mind I let him see our children.
But I seem crazy because I battle between mind and heart.

Mind - how could he abandon the children for not just a woman but for a 16 year old! What was he thinking!!!!
If the relationship would have worked out well... would he even be back???
What if he leaves again it will tear our hearts apart.
What if he is still in contact with her to appease her?

So I pull away and say he can't see them anymore and to go to court. Then he calls me crazy, unstable and sends me abuse and gaslights me.

This situation is too complex for me to navigate, he put us in this situation, I need help with the children sometimes I want to ask but I'm struggling with trusting him again.

He expects me to just forget the past but I feel he's done too much

• the relationship with a child
• the complete abandonment, he even changed his phone number.

I respect his mum as she stayed in contact with the children throughout.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thanks

The law needs to change then. No decent 32yr old would have a relationship with a 16tr old.

Legally he has a right to unsupervised contact and it wouldn't be looked on favourably in court to deny it. He would get 50/50 residency if he wanted it. You're really better to sort something between yourselves. But you are within your rights to insist on set days.

Woah - he sounds like a massive creep and I would not be letting him near my children at all.
He groomed a mentally unwell child and had a "relationship" with her... he needs to be locked up!

Brilliant,wise advice
Look after yourself OP

Please, as others have said, agree on set days only. Outside of your house.

Have an email adress dedicated only to him. So you can decide when to read his messages or not,
Keep all correspondance in writing.

You’ve said it yourself. He is manipulative and clearly used to get his own way.
You need to deal with him knowing that’s who he is.

Except legally he hasn’t done anything wrong, which means if taken to court he could get 50/50 if he wanted that.

Personal feelings (which I agree with and would feel the same) and the legal stance are very different. OP could easily be accused of parental alienation here and would not look good in court.

You need to sort out a Child Arrangement Order. Read this as a start

You can safely ignore most of what he's got to say for himself, so stick to the facts instead of his assertations.

@Itsthelittlethingz

He can argue all he wants that, in the eyes of the law, a relationship with a 16-year-old isn’t illegal. But legality doesn’t equate to morality. For example, a 40-year-old dating an 18-year-old is also legal, but most people would agree it raises serious ethical concerns about power dynamics and maturity. Just because something skirts the boundaries of the law doesn’t make it right. Has he ever heard of morals? Perhaps it’s time to reflect on that.

I don’t think the police or social services will agree to this are they aware?

Just to get the obvious out of the way, he's clearly a disgusting, repulsive man with serious moral failings.

Having said that, he does have the legal right to see his children and as there is no supervision order in place you can't stop him from seeing them.

So you need to go the formal route and ensure that all communications are strictly about the children, kept free of emotion, think of it as a professional relationship.

Posters above have provided links to information about the legal routes.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thank

My advice is to please end things with him for good. He is a grown ass man who is sexually attracted to teenagers. You don’t want a disgusting pig like this in your life.

Cut all contact with him. Seek out some legal advice on how he can have supervised access with your children going forwards.

Also, please please please work on your self worth and self esteem. You deserve SO MUCH better.

Oh and keep every text message and email he sends, screenprint them and keep them in a folder that you can access as needed.

We all know it's wrong.
I feel like I'm going crazy when I am having to tell him just how wrong it is.
He said to me 'love comes in all shapes and sizes'
Like trying to justify it. Deep down he is embarrassed but he says these things to attempt to brush it under the rug.
As a female and a mum in infuriates me. I see red. How is it so casual to you... how are you not ashamed!!!!!
I even stop contact when I feel triggered. When it comes into my mind, I feel like running away with the children.

But in the eyes of the law he hasn't done anything wrong and if he goes to court I'll just look overly emotional rather than logical.

But I feel the same way I don't my kids around him.
I can't believe he did what he did. What was he thinking..... I asked him was he not embarrassed when the police interviewed him. As he was interviewed many times.
Electronics taken. At what point do you feel sick that you're being investigated for being a nonce. He gaslights me to say I'm just jealous. Jealous of what a school prom!!! Pocket money for the school bus .
Wow That's how low he makes me feel.
I say only you could have me talking about psyc wards, 16 year old school girls, abandonment etc. its so low vibrational it honestly feels like Alice and wonderland. Crazy

Yes I agree personal stance and legal stance are completely different. I will be accused of parental alienation but surely the court will understand where I am coming from

Does he have friends and family and, if so, what are they saying to him about it?!

You really do need to go to the police and tell them the relationship started when she was 15.

He absolutely has done something wrong and should be prosecuted.

Do whatever you can to protect your children.

Do not allow unsupervised access.

If she was 15 when they met and she was mentally ill and also on a psych ward at some point he is absolutely a paedophile and should be prosecuted. What about her capacity?

No they won’t OP, the court are working on facts and the fact is that legally he hasn’t done anything wrong. He is an ex who had a new relationship, an investigation was conducted and found no wrongdoing, and so he has just as much right to contact with his children as you do.

I do understand why you feel the way you do but the courts, solicitors, legal side- they don’t. He could take you to court and get 50/50, if he argues parental alienation then he could even end up having the children more than 50%.

Nope. Your kids sadly have a right to a contact with the groomer, so he could easily have them 50% of the time.

This seems to be a case of children need to come before you own personal feelings. You may not agree with what he was doing was right, it also sounds like he has identified that with you.

You need to separate your own emotions to the value he will add to your children's lives if he is truly willing to commit. You mentioned he was being blackmailed. He probably was if their relationship was volatile and destructive. You say she has confirmed that. Prison sentence for being a peadophile is going to heavily influence his decision making. It's worth bearing that at the fore front of his argument.

Your getting the negative response from him because he is the biological father of your children. It's part of an inbuilt biological animal instinct to fight anyone who is keeping him from his child including you. Irrespective of any logic you wish to apply to it. Logic disintegrates and means nothing in biological animal instincts.

If he goes to court he will end up seeing your children because the court and carcass as well as child psychologist all unanimously agree that even an unreliable father is better than no father.

No father is a total disaster for any child. The children will have abandonment issues now and in the future which will effect them for life. To mitigate that complex child trauma their father needs to be reintroduced into their lives and depending on the father's reliability they will have some issues relating with other people in the future or if he fully commits it will restore the balance.

Separate your own emotions for what is best for your children.
Your children want your love and their father's love. That want that equally the same. Their loyalties between you both are equally the same. You cannot swing them in any other direction because that is the biology of a child.

This perhaps isn't what you want to hear but so far of the replies you have had my reply has the most reality involved.

Separate your emotions for your hated, disgust etc if the father. Put yourself 2nd, your children first. You will retain the moral victory, and ethical victory throughout. Focus on those. So you may hold your head up high when your children ask you both what happened in the future.

I feel like I'm going crazy when I am having to tell him just how wrong it is.

You need to seperate from him.

It's not your job to explain this to him, to try to make him understand, or see reason. These are his actions, and your job is to raise your children, not to regulate his decisions.

Only speak to him regarding child arrangements via email from now on. You need to draw a line under what has gone before, vent to your friends and family if you need to , not to him. You're keeping yourself locked in this unhealthy dynamic with every conversation you have with him, and it needs to stop.

Set up a seperate email account to deal with child arrangements and use this to contact him. Consider that any communication you send could now be used as evidence in court and think twice before you send anything that you wouldn't want to be read out and used against you.

Change your phone number and get a pay as you go and give him that. You can't change his behaviour, but you can change yours to improve the situation.

Why are you even having these conversations with him?

Are you listening to what anyone’s saying? You’ve asked for advice, are you going to take it?

Oh trust me the police are not great. I initially found out through the girl. She stalked me for months and then came out she was his GF and 16. I shook for days.
I contacted the police... I don't want to be rude, but they were useless.
Well she is lying so there is nothing they can do. Social services the same - I can see what they mean when they say so many kids slip through the net. Services are stretched.

She has recently contacted his employer, and has been 'prank calling' him abusive name (cringed when he said prank call haven't heard of that since school) so she clearly currently has some anger towards him.

Hopefully she goes to the police. The police probably know that they met when she 15 but his has to be proven beyond any doubt at all

I thought I read that she was actually 15 when they started dating. But maybe I misread that. In any case, totally understandable that you’re grossed out.

Horrific. Get legal protection for your children. The concern I would have is he is likely to be in contact with other paedophiles. This would be my fear.

I am sorry for your situation.