Ex left us for a 16 year old partner

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I posted annon a while back about ex leaving us to be in a relationship with a 16 year old.

Well, he is back and the manipulation is in full swing.

I'm so isolated, I've got no one.
At night - my heart physically hurts, my brain literally says 'I'm so lonely, I just need a hug' I wonder every night how I'm going to get through the next day get my kids to their activities, raise them into good people, work and not completely burn out.
I keep pushing people away and feel safer alone.

Anyway back to the point - I guess I feel vulnerable.

The kids dad is back after embarking on a relationship with a 16 year old (he admitted to me they initially met when she was 15 but they've lied to the police)

He says it was the worst mistake of his life. She blackmailed him with threats to the police and to save himself he did not contact us at all.
(I spoke to the girl and she confirmed she did not want him to see the children)

Their relationship was volatile. Constant police involvement. She had mental health problems and he later learned she was in a psyc ward when they met online.

The police were aware of their relationship by the way. I informed them also but it's legal in the uk. (Obviously wrong)
He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point... went on multiple holidays... so it's hard for me to believe it was all black Mail.

Stupidity after him begging and manipulating my mind I let him see our children.
But I seem crazy because I battle between mind and heart.

Mind - how could he abandon the children for not just a woman but for a 16 year old! What was he thinking!!!!
If the relationship would have worked out well... would he even be back???
What if he leaves again it will tear our hearts apart.
What if he is still in contact with her to appease her?

So I pull away and say he can't see them anymore and to go to court. Then he calls me crazy, unstable and sends me abuse and gaslights me.

This situation is too complex for me to navigate, he put us in this situation, I need help with the children sometimes I want to ask but I'm struggling with trusting him again.

He expects me to just forget the past but I feel he's done too much

• the relationship with a child
• the complete abandonment, he even changed his phone number.

I respect his mum as she stayed in contact with the children throughout.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thanks

Don't.

You'll feel much guiltier if your children come into contact with undesirables because of their father.

@Itsthelittlethingz please don’t feel guilty . With big choices like this comes consequences. .
He knew what he was doing OP
Come on nobody stops a grown man calling his kids. Ffs especially not a 16 year old child

Block the man again . Go to solicitor for a restraint order from contacting you .
Can you download the parent app for contact . Do you even need it if it’s supervised visits already arranged.
He’s a manipulator . Don’t weaken

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. He planned, sneaked around, lied, and left you to manage your shock as well as looking after two young children. It was his choice not to see any of his family last Christmas. He left you to pick up the pieces. There’s no guarantee he won’t do it again. The children’s closest bond needs to be with you, because he’s proven himself to be unpredictable. He doesn’t sound sane to me.

Going to mediation is fine, you still can't be forced to agree with anything.

Think about the contact scenarios you would be happy with if contact was on the cards. If the judge doesn't dismiss his previous actions which I don't think they will as even men who have physically abused mother and child still get contact.

If you don't want to be involved in handover then a contact centre or a third party to be involved in hand over and communication through a parenting app only.

Example of a common arrangements...
An evening after school and EOW
Child's Birthdays and Christmas alternated with 12 noon Christmas eve - 12 noon boxing day so the children aren't disturbed.
Mother's / Father's day and parental birthday with the relevant parent.
Divvy up school holidays, 1 week each Easter, half October half term, give him February (it's cold and rubbish), you have May (nice and toasty and good to go away), split the summer so you each have 2 + 1 set weeks. This helps with holiday childcare and you can get a proper break both with and without children..

Chances are once you offer it the courts will be happy as it's a reasonable offering and he won't actually want it after kicking up a fuss.

He makes me feel like I'm separating people that love each-other with my evilness.

Maybe there are some women like that.

But yes he made some bold choices.
Very bold. I've wondered how he sat in front of the police officers at times and not felt so humiliated.

He did all of this, and now he wants to play happy families at Christmas like nothing happened.

He left me to explain to the kids why dad isn't here and even on Father's Day and why they couldn't call him.

His unpredictability is questionable.

Ugh, what a crock of apologist gobshite.

If I say what I want to say I'll get banned so my only comment is that I don't know why you need pages of replies. I don't know why you even need one second of time to consider whether or not to get back together with not only a liar and a cheat, but a paedophile.

Thank you all for your advice and honest truths. I really felt like I was drowning and like I needed the support today. Grateful for your insight. I'll let you know how we get on in court I'll probably be an anxious mess again at that point. But really looking forward to a positive, hopefully wholesome year with my little ones. Thanks again

Every Sunday all day and one night for tea in week. Build trust then alt weekends one night in week. Can't drop in and out. And go on a dating app and meet a few men whilst u have no kids. Don't get into a relationship with anyone!!!! Have some fun with someone new

I would be interested to know why they finally split up?

I don't see how alt weekends are possible, given that the ex is only allowed supervised access.

OP, I really recommend you get some advice and support. You may have grounds for refusing mediation, given the circumstances. Yours is an unusual and potentially risky case. If the police and social services had pursued it, he could now be a convicted sex offender. He’s shown no remorse. He’s being manipulative (acting as the victim and blaming you to make you feel guilty) to get unsupervised access to the kids.

If the kids go without you to his mum’s, I wouldn’t trust her not to give him unsupervised (or appropriate supervised) access at her home. She may have kept in touch with you, but mums don’t always like to think their kids are a risk to their own children. He may manipulate her too.

Don’t be on the back foot if he’s pursuing mediation and court. You really need legal advocacy. A family law solicitor who specialises in safeguarding.

Mumsnet moderators should be able to advise the best place to contact. I suggest Citizen’s Advice as a starting point. Or social services. Tell them about his relationship with a minor and how he ceased all contact with the kids at that point and for how long. Say you’re worried about safeguarding risks for the kids of unsupervised contact.

@EdithBond I spoke to a few places it's like £5000-£7000 + for legal advice and I wouldn't get legal aid as he hasn't been arrested/charged for a domestic violence case.

Thank you for your advice I don't even know what to say if I go to court, I'll ask the Citizens Advice x

Go to mediation. Explain that you cannot allow unsupervised access (ideally in a contact centre!) as he has had sex with a child. It will all be documented by the mediator. He can either accept what you offer or take you to court.

Have you looked into advice on a pay by the hour basis initially OP?

The reason I need a third party is because he looks at me like I've got two heads when I have expressed my concern and disgust with what he's done.

He makes out like I'm being jealous or overly emotional. I have even questioned myself whether it's coming from jealousy. But it is not. He's completely missing the mark. Which again is concerning to me.
When the girl contacted me my initial reaction was to protect her. Hence calling the police. I was so worried about her.

Also he makes me feel like I'm 'just as bad as him' for stopping contact (admittedly I have done this a good few times but always when pushed too far)

I guess I just need someone there so he doesn't make me feel like I'm going crazy.

I hear you. But IMHO in your case, if you have to pay, it’ll be the best money you spend. It safeguard’s the kids future well-being and should take a lot of your anxiety away, as you won’t have to deal with him on your own. You need to know your rights and options, so you can make informed decisions.

If you don’t have enough in savings and can’t get a bank loan, ask your family or close friends if you can borrow some of it. Once your joint assets are sorted out, you may be able to refinance and pay them back.

You said in your first post, this situation is too complex for you to navigate. I agree. You need a good solicitor by your side.

You’ve been very strong so far, now you need to ask everyone you can for support to get you through this next, and final, bit.

That’s not strictly true. Just because she was supposedly 16 when the relationship began, if she was under the care of doctors in a psychiatric hospital, then she could be classed as vulnerable and the system doesn’t just cut somebody vulnerable off once they reach a certain age.

No.

She openly admits she's conflicted and struggles to see him as a predator. Then goes on to talk about his 'bold choices'

Bold choices my arse . It's minimising.

Ignore him and stick you the rules, tell him your a nonce your lucky to have any access, be firm with him, don't contact me, we only see each other at the contact centre, I don't want anything to do with you you're a pervert. Block him on everything
If it was me I'd move as far away as possible, have no social media and hope he didn't find me.

I'd also run a Sarah's law on Clare's law check on him.

The fact that he said love comes in all shapes and sizes would freak me right out he would not be anywhere near my 6 & 7 year old he'd have to take me to every court in the land and I'd 10000% move away.

Shouldn't have cheated on his partner and had a sexual relationship with a minor then should he?
He destroyed his family, he loses those family privileges such as full time access to his children.
Free access to his kids whenever he wants also means free access to your house and your life. He is trying to manipulate you. Do not let him.
He is despicable

Good idea.

@Willyoujustbequiet ok you're right.