Ex left us for a 16 year old partner

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I posted annon a while back about ex leaving us to be in a relationship with a 16 year old.

Well, he is back and the manipulation is in full swing.

I'm so isolated, I've got no one.
At night - my heart physically hurts, my brain literally says 'I'm so lonely, I just need a hug' I wonder every night how I'm going to get through the next day get my kids to their activities, raise them into good people, work and not completely burn out.
I keep pushing people away and feel safer alone.

Anyway back to the point - I guess I feel vulnerable.

The kids dad is back after embarking on a relationship with a 16 year old (he admitted to me they initially met when she was 15 but they've lied to the police)

He says it was the worst mistake of his life. She blackmailed him with threats to the police and to save himself he did not contact us at all.
(I spoke to the girl and she confirmed she did not want him to see the children)

Their relationship was volatile. Constant police involvement. She had mental health problems and he later learned she was in a psyc ward when they met online.

The police were aware of their relationship by the way. I informed them also but it's legal in the uk. (Obviously wrong)
He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point... went on multiple holidays... so it's hard for me to believe it was all black Mail.

Stupidity after him begging and manipulating my mind I let him see our children.
But I seem crazy because I battle between mind and heart.

Mind - how could he abandon the children for not just a woman but for a 16 year old! What was he thinking!!!!
If the relationship would have worked out well... would he even be back???
What if he leaves again it will tear our hearts apart.
What if he is still in contact with her to appease her?

So I pull away and say he can't see them anymore and to go to court. Then he calls me crazy, unstable and sends me abuse and gaslights me.

This situation is too complex for me to navigate, he put us in this situation, I need help with the children sometimes I want to ask but I'm struggling with trusting him again.

He expects me to just forget the past but I feel he's done too much

• the relationship with a child
• the complete abandonment, he even changed his phone number.

I respect his mum as she stayed in contact with the children throughout.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thanks

I wouldn't give unsupervised access that wasn't court ordered. You have a duty to safeguarding your DC and to your knowledge, he has had a sexual relationship with a child. What if he gets into another relationship with a child and SS get involved. There is police evidence that you believe he has been in a relationship with a child so this would be considered a failure to safeguard your children.

If it goes to court, you can share your evidence why and will have to do what they advise. For now, give contact in a safe supervised way but don't choose to put your DC in danger.

It is horrific, he is horrific, and innocent he is not.

Even if you were to drink the same imagination potion as @Guy84 has clearly been on, and pretend that he was blackmailed into pursuing a 15 year old girl, what has she blackmailed him with in order to get him to take her on holiday on her 16th birthday?

Think about it.

He's acted on his basic instincts and they are fucked up and as far away from parental as it's possible to be.

OP you can settle this down, and move forward but you will need help. You're also on the other end of his perverted games. Seek support, you will need it in order to support your kids through what comes.

You’re getting the negative response from him because he is the biological father of your children. It's part of an inbuilt biological animal instinct to fight anyone who is keeping him from his child including you. Irrespective of any logic you wish to apply to it. Logic disintegrates and means nothing in biological animal instincts.

This comment would be so laughable but for the tragedy of so many children in poverty and financially struggling single mothers in this country thanks to conniving fathers.

Not to mention how some ‘animal instinct’ could have been helpful in this situation if it had kicked in before the ex left to illegally have sex with a 15 year old.

@Guy84 is here as spokesman for the nonces!

Words of advice?
Sure.
Your ex is a paedophile. He engaged in a sexual relationship with a child under 16.
Close the door. Lock it. Throw away the key.

There is no excuses. He had sex with a child (aka statutory rape. A 15 year old is not legally old enough to consent)

Op, you need to give yourself time to heal. You have been through something unimaginably horrendous. You cannot give this disgusting specimen the time of day, ever again.

There are no blurred lines or grey areas here. If the police found out the truth, he’d be on the sex offenders register. Simple as that.

Any access you decide to allow to your children, should be fully supervised at a contact centre. You cannot trust him

It's awful isn't it it keeps me up at night also. I just can't comprehend what he was thinking. I don't know anyone who has been through similar thank goodness. It's the embarrassment and shame. I'm mortified honestly this has made me a completely different person. I'm sorry you went through this, do you have children also?

I would tell him to take you to court.

Of course it’s not ok for him to come and go as he pleases. Fixed days and times are the only way so you can make future plans without considering him just in case.

He’s a disgusting old pervert but unfortunately has the right to see the kids out of the home. If he lives nearby suggest he picks up the kids from school and takes them for a few hours or something useful. If he’s lazy and as deadbeat as he sounds then he won’t bother and you won’t have the child contact issue. He’ll be one of those losers spouting the “She won’t let me see the kids” lie. If he wants to see the kids then the legal system will help that happen for a small price to him. Let him make some effort for a change.

There’s no guarantees that he won’t let you down again so stop worrying about what you can’t control. (I think he will but a tiny percentage of people can change) Maybe write down how he let you down so you can read it when you feel weak. He’s a terrible man and you (and the rest of womankind) deserve better. His mother is a blessing in disguise and I am pleased that you have some support from her. 💐

@Itsthelittlethingz please don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed.

HE decided to walk on you.
HE decided to stop talking to you and his dcs.
HE decided to change his number.
HE decided to have sex with an under 16yo
HE decided to stay at her house (?!? 🤯🤯)
HE is choosing to abuse you and the dcs.

None if that is your fault.
As Gisèle Pelicot says during her trail ‘Shame needs to change camp’.
It’s not you. It’s him.

But yes SS should have been in contact with you regarding this.

@Itsthelittlethingz
Something that helps me to process and cope with who he was is to remind myself "all of his choices were his own" that includes the deception and lies surrounding it. And as many others have said, admitting to yourself he is a paedophile. It took me months to do this because, like your situation, it seemed so far fetched and couldn't possibly be true.

But it is true. And the sooner you find acceptance, the sooner you will heal.

I do have children, daughters, they're not his. But horrifying all the same.

Feel free to PM me x

He's disgusting, I would let him go through court to access the children. It is absolutely not an appropriate expectation for him to want to come and go as he pleases. You're separated. The man is delusional and manipulative.

You're certainly doing the right thing in not facilitating unsupervised contact. That girl is a child and an especially vulnerable one at that. And there he is boasting that their relationship is within the law.

You say his mother is in contact and decent? If so, maintain that, then you have some support and the kids have contact with that side of the family. Well done also for having the clarity to see the lass isn't responsible for this, he is. He's ruining her life.

@Guy84 Just shut up, man.

He says he wants to visit anytime he wants and be in their life, he shouldn't have to have 'set days'

You say
"You are free to apply to court for this"
"To be discussed in court"
"Judge s decision"
And you tell your solicitor who presumably knows all the background
And you do not ever ever let him in your house .
If he is harassing you report to police
Do not engage with him except to confirm contact times

Let him go to court and sort the contact out that way. He has admitted the child was 15, so that was illegal in the eyes of the law and he told you they lied to police - so he admits he can’t be trusted.

@Guy84 No father is a total disaster for any child.

2 words , one name Sara Sharif. Don’t make such stupid, sweeping statements.

And a man who has sex with a 15 year old child is NO sort of role model for a child.

Agreed. If it was an affair and subsequent relationship with a 32 year old woman then ok. Shit, badly played and painful but nothing to suggest he is a risk to the children. However it wasn't a grown woman it was a 15-16 year old girl who had recently been in a psych hospital.

She is absolutely putting the children first. Not only hers but the girl above by notifying the police etc.

Whatever the contact, he should not be in your house, (or is it still partly his ?)
I would let him take you court for contact.
Meanwhile why would you reassure your dc he loves them ?
Surely that was his job ? He didn't appear to give a toss whilst abusing a minor child.
& going off the grid
Also he clearly has pedo tendencies, they may be at risk

You are thinking about allowing a man who has no problems having sex with a fifteen year old back in the house??? What about when your DC reach that age?

He's certainly got paedophilic tendencies ...

He said nothing happened until the 16 (still gross)
But they met in a hotel, she had liked about her age. (18)

But the hotel situation was worrying him

Oh good, @Itsthelittlethingz I'm so relieved to read that.

Look, he's an abusive twat with paedophilic tendencies. He can demand all he likes, but supervised contact has been ordered by the court, so that is what he has to do.

You need to take a deep breath and cut him emotionally out of your life. That will take some mental discipline, That is hard hard stuff to do, but worth it. In a year's time you will thank yourself.

He's a predator.

Why are you minimising grooming a child?

Are you aware that this may impact on custody of your own children in the long run?

I wouldn't want this excuse for a human being anywhere near me and my children! Personally, I refuse to believe that there was no sexual relationship before the GF turned 16 and for that he should be on the SOR.
Get rid asap

ewww! He sounds absolutely vile! You don’t have to do what he says, you tell him the arrangement and if he doesn’t like it tell him to fuck off! Be strong. Life will get better!

I wouldn't be letting a pedophile have unsupervised access to my children. Ever. He's a pedophile. He is attracted to children. Let that sink in. Ffs dont take him back. Its your job to protect your children above anything else.

Where did I minimise it?