Ex left us for a 16 year old partner

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I posted annon a while back about ex leaving us to be in a relationship with a 16 year old.

Well, he is back and the manipulation is in full swing.

I'm so isolated, I've got no one.
At night - my heart physically hurts, my brain literally says 'I'm so lonely, I just need a hug' I wonder every night how I'm going to get through the next day get my kids to their activities, raise them into good people, work and not completely burn out.
I keep pushing people away and feel safer alone.

Anyway back to the point - I guess I feel vulnerable.

The kids dad is back after embarking on a relationship with a 16 year old (he admitted to me they initially met when she was 15 but they've lied to the police)

He says it was the worst mistake of his life. She blackmailed him with threats to the police and to save himself he did not contact us at all.
(I spoke to the girl and she confirmed she did not want him to see the children)

Their relationship was volatile. Constant police involvement. She had mental health problems and he later learned she was in a psyc ward when they met online.

The police were aware of their relationship by the way. I informed them also but it's legal in the uk. (Obviously wrong)
He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point... went on multiple holidays... so it's hard for me to believe it was all black Mail.

Stupidity after him begging and manipulating my mind I let him see our children.
But I seem crazy because I battle between mind and heart.

Mind - how could he abandon the children for not just a woman but for a 16 year old! What was he thinking!!!!
If the relationship would have worked out well... would he even be back???
What if he leaves again it will tear our hearts apart.
What if he is still in contact with her to appease her?

So I pull away and say he can't see them anymore and to go to court. Then he calls me crazy, unstable and sends me abuse and gaslights me.

This situation is too complex for me to navigate, he put us in this situation, I need help with the children sometimes I want to ask but I'm struggling with trusting him again.

He expects me to just forget the past but I feel he's done too much

• the relationship with a child
• the complete abandonment, he even changed his phone number.

I respect his mum as she stayed in contact with the children throughout.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thanks

That is very dad to read @Itsthelittlethingz I hoped (maybe I'm naive) that the police would take such cases much more seriously...
I already think the law allowing 16yo to consent to sex with people in their 30s or 40s is destructive, who is protecting vulnerable teenagers who are groomed online nad IRL? And then when there's a case like this, the police effort spent is minimal.... ETA: AND they "protect" the case information so his own kids don't know how trustful they can be of his (legal) innocence....

I genuinely don’t want to upset you, but you have let this man back into your children’s lives knowing full well that he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He doesn’t feel any remorse. He hasn’t shown any insight. He is a role model for children aged 6 and 7. What is he going to teach them about age-appropriate relationships and consent? What or who is going to stop him teaching them that love works in mysterious ways and it’s normal for a 15 year old to be chatting online with a 32 year old?

Is it not the case that the OP is in a position where she's been forced to let this man back in, albeit with supervised visits only?

Opdoes not need to allow ex in her house
She can leave to him to take the case to court
She can offer contact in public place outside her home

@guy24 a lot of dangerous assumptions made in that post. Not all fathers are suitable, safe or good parents.

He has a history of making abusive decisions. And op it's not clear cut that he will get contact. I think it's also a good idea to go to court because even if contact is granted, it would be based on the interests of the child, and will take into account your safety needs as well. I personally have taken my ex to court and although was incredibly stressful they were child centred and saw what was best for the child in question.

Don't listen to assumptions.

Or groom his children's friends.

I’m not sure, because I’ve asked twice whose box room he is staying in with no answer. It sounds to me as though he is living in the same house as his children.

He rightfully belongs in prison, but the legal system is wrong on this issue.

i would put in writing that you are making the children available for whatever blocks of time are convenient for them and you know are reasonable for his work schedule. I definitely wouldn’t give him any overnights given his current lifestyle. Restrict all non-emergency communication to writing so you have a log. When he asks for more time, the answer is that the children need stability right now. When he shows he can handle these short visits consistently and he secures independent housing with permanent beds for each child, you will have a conversation about changing the schedule.

I'd be surprised (and horrified) if this were the case, since he's only supposed to have supervised access to the children. I had assumed (possibly erroneously) that it was his other's box room.

Yes - why wouldn’t he? He’s not broken any laws. All investigations complete, case closed, no further action. I’m hoping the OP is going to see that this awful man has no sense of right or wrong, doesn’t see a 16 year old as a child, and will have a direct influence on how her two young children see relationships unless she limits/stops their contact with him. The OP said herself she’s given him a “soft landing pad.”

That’s why I keep asking whose box room.

Yup.

I've noticed a typo in my post:

*mother's box room.

It just says “the box room” and the original post says, “He’s back.”

Yes. Later, the OP seemed to clarify that she just meant he was back in their lives after going no contact - but perhaps I misunderstood.

You children have to come first. I'd give him a landing pad all right ....it wouldn't be soft.

Is he back in your family home?

I sincerely hope he’s not back staying in the box room of the family home!

@Itsthelittlethingz Were you married? If so, have you commenced divorce proceedings? Is the family home still in your joint names? If you’ve not yet started proceedings to divide any joint assets and applied to the court for full custody, and only supervised contact with your children on the basis of his unhealthy interest in minors, I strongly urge you to do so.

I also suggest you seek safeguarding advice from social services.

If your kids are now primary age, in a few years they’ll have phones of their own and he could contact them directly. Given his lack of remorse for having a relationship with a minor (she was under 18 even though above the legal age of consent), he could be a safeguarding risk to your kids or their friends.

Borrow or sell things to cover the solicitors fees. Or apply yourself with advice from an agency like Citizen’s Advice. But do get it sorted to safeguard your kids.

OP I am so sorry he's doing this to you, to your children and that poor young girl. The amount of lives one man can ruin is astounding. His mother must be wondering where she went wrong (it is NOT her fault, but I know it's what I would be wondering).

To the person who keeps going on about who's box room is he in, the OP said he keeps asking when he can have the children overnight - he wouldn't need to ask that if he were in her home, would he?

He is a disgusting predator. Probably tells himself it's ok because she was "almost 16" and "it's not the same as say a 9 year old" (as at least one poster earlier tried to justify this). Trust me, as a 15 year old who was targeted and groomed by a 27 year old, it well and truly messed me up and my chance at normal relationships ever since (I'm mid 40's now).

The only person to blame is him. He made every choice himself and is only worried now he thinks the truth might make it to the police.

If you know the hotel and when they stayed there, tell the police - if they can get cctv footage of them together at the hotel it might be enough to start the ball rolling to arrest him.

Good luck with keeping your children safe. Not only could they be in danger from him, but what about their friends? Your daughter at 13 brings her best friend home. Your ex starts to groom her. At 15 they're in bed together and she thinks she's in love. Even if he never touches your daughter, the trauma of abusing her friends will affect her too.

@HopefulDrifter you haven't upset me. You're just talking about my children in a explicit content and I'm asking you not to.

In his mothers box room.

I have been giving him supervised contact.
It would not make sense for him to be living with us.

As he hasn't done anything 'illegal' in the eyes of the law, he has rights to his children. I hope this makes sense.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I feel so sorry for the young girl. I don't know where the hotel was I wish I did. I could place the window of months it would have been. However the police weren't too bothered.
Or maybe they did all they could.

Thanks for clarifying the box room question!

I feel so sorry for the girl.

I don’t think the OP has been forced - there hasn’t been a court case. There seems to be a great deal of emphasis on his “relationship” with this child, her mental illness, her volatility, her “blackmail” attempts.

What I do not understand is why a 32 year old man who is technically old enough to be this girl’s father LEFT his biological children and changed his phone number so his small children couldn’t contact him - now he wants sleepovers with them at his Mum’s house? This is all manipulation. He wasn’t thinking about his children when he was going on multiple holidays with the 16 year old.

Exactly this.

I can't quite understand what kind of "value" a nonce can add to his children's lives.

Also, disgust is a pretty good instinctual guide to follow when it comes to relationships,if you ask me. So I'm not so keen on advising OP to "separate" her children's interests from her own emotions. Not when, I insist, there's a nonce involved, fgs.

ETA: "No father is a total disaster for any child" this @Guy84 is SO WRONG I can't even...

Yes, it makes more sense now, thank you. I suggest that you stick to your guns, don’t engage in conversation with him, communicate through a parenting app. Insist on supervised visits and put the onus on him to take you to court with Cafcass assessments done. The fact that he’s saying things like, “you’re just jealous” is a strong indication that he’s emotionally immature, to say the least.

Absolutely not op !
He is trying to regain control.
Keep things as they are and supervised.

Soon as supervised visits stop he will start messing you all around again and try to mingle is way back into your bed.

Say no and stick to it. He will
get bored and piss off again then you have your answer.
Why do you need to talk to him Anyway?

He's just phoned me on a new number and told me to wait to hear from a mediator.

He has to go through mediation before court. That I'm horrible and 'just as bad' because I'm not thinking of the kids.
(As I've stopped contact.)

He told me he will just see them when his mum has them and the kids are out of my control.

He said he wants to see them over Christmas! (Sounded like he was about to cry)
He said I didn't see any of my family last Christmas (as in against his will)

I feel guilty again