Ex left us for a 16 year old partner

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I posted annon a while back about ex leaving us to be in a relationship with a 16 year old.

Well, he is back and the manipulation is in full swing.

I'm so isolated, I've got no one.
At night - my heart physically hurts, my brain literally says 'I'm so lonely, I just need a hug' I wonder every night how I'm going to get through the next day get my kids to their activities, raise them into good people, work and not completely burn out.
I keep pushing people away and feel safer alone.

Anyway back to the point - I guess I feel vulnerable.

The kids dad is back after embarking on a relationship with a 16 year old (he admitted to me they initially met when she was 15 but they've lied to the police)

He says it was the worst mistake of his life. She blackmailed him with threats to the police and to save himself he did not contact us at all.
(I spoke to the girl and she confirmed she did not want him to see the children)

Their relationship was volatile. Constant police involvement. She had mental health problems and he later learned she was in a psyc ward when they met online.

The police were aware of their relationship by the way. I informed them also but it's legal in the uk. (Obviously wrong)
He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point... went on multiple holidays... so it's hard for me to believe it was all black Mail.

Stupidity after him begging and manipulating my mind I let him see our children.
But I seem crazy because I battle between mind and heart.

Mind - how could he abandon the children for not just a woman but for a 16 year old! What was he thinking!!!!
If the relationship would have worked out well... would he even be back???
What if he leaves again it will tear our hearts apart.
What if he is still in contact with her to appease her?

So I pull away and say he can't see them anymore and to go to court. Then he calls me crazy, unstable and sends me abuse and gaslights me.

This situation is too complex for me to navigate, he put us in this situation, I need help with the children sometimes I want to ask but I'm struggling with trusting him again.

He expects me to just forget the past but I feel he's done too much

• the relationship with a child
• the complete abandonment, he even changed his phone number.

I respect his mum as she stayed in contact with the children throughout.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thanks

Thank god you didn’t have him back! I read the heading and thought you had.
First of all asking him questions, showing him your disgust is showing him you have a vested interest in him. Stop asking him personal questions, if he tries to tell you about this girl, cut him off and say you’re not interested. Grey rock him!
As for him getting abuse at work by that young girl, does it affect you? NO! So who cares. Disengage from him. Stop caring about his life! Yes he is a disgusting nonce but stop obsessing over him.
The children are another matter, he has a right to see them, they need a routine and can’t be used against you or vice versa. Go the legal route if he keeps trying to see them whenever he wants to, he will have to stick to certain days then.

The courts will not award 100% custody when he's previously been investigated.
Especially not if the reason is that OP is concerned that the guy is a paedophile. She has a good reason to 'alienate' him.

The courts will do what is in the interests of the children and that is not going to be 100% custody with their father.

I would only agree to set days - this drifting back and forward when he wants is all bullshit and is designed to keep you where he wants you. No need to go to court for this though, agree through a solicitor and make him stick to it.

OP - if the police have interviewed him many times, and checked their electronics then there is no proof that he started a sexual relationship with her at 15. Your only hope is that she tells the police that. Without proof I don't think you can say that in court, as it will look like an unsubstantiated accusation. The court will see that the police investigated and found nothing. I'm not saying it's not true, but the courts will look to the police for proof and they have none. Its not like the police didn't try from the sounds of it.

I feel for you, OP. You need to streamline this.
First of all, apply to the courts for supervised contact. This removes you from being emotionally involved in a highly contentious situation and crucially, it allows you, your ex, and your children to establish boundaries and rebuild trust in a safe and neutral environment where no extended family is involved. It's dad and the kids, rebuilding, recovering, regrouping in a safe space. It allows you to step back and trust. If you present it this way to the courts, with a view to establishing unsupervised contact down the road, when everyone has recovered and trust is building, the court will likely favour supervised contact in a centre as a sensible option for a period of time. Everything at present is too hot, too volatile, too risky. This is when hurt people hurt people and endanger their children and/or former partners out of anger.
Supervised contact in a neutral setting/contact centre will diffuse the situation and allow everyone to focus on the children's needs. It gives everyone time, space, and safety. It will allow you to establish a new, updated relationship with your children's dad... one where you choose your battles and learn to let go a little bit of that past pain.

Are you getting therapy OP? I really hope so. Lean into all of the outside support you can.

Is 16 legal??? That's for another thread. Has he committed a crime? It feels like it but I can't recall what the age of consent is here in the UK.

I have my own thoughts on your predatory ex who's damn lucky to see his kids at all. But my opinions aren't what you need so I'll stick with straight up guidance.

I just want to add: the reality is what it is, so yes, I agree with pp that you must be strategic and focus on the most important goal,which is to avoid the nonce to have full custody of your children.

Unfortunately you’re wrong. Where parental alienation is proven they absolutely can & do order 100% custody to the other parent. The fact he was previously investigated- and found to be innocent- is irrelevant. Innocent until proven guilty means he IS innocent, and he’s no worse off in their eyes than if that had never happened, that’s the whole ethos of our criminal justice system.

What sort of contact are you having at the moment OP? Texts? Calls? Emails?

Can you correspond along the lines of

I'm surprised that you don't understand how utterly shocking and sickening your behaviour has been. Of course the fact that you were dating a 15 year old (we both know this is true despite what XXX told the police) has reframed how I see you.

ROMANTIC Love does not come in all 'shapes and sizes'. You are an adult man, in your 30s, with children and you started dating another child. A girl of 15. A schoolgirl. I think we all know what the name for that is.

Stop minimizing.

I will be protecting our children at all costs.
Above your needs
Above my hopes and dreams for what I thought my future was
Above everything.

Something like this with a stored record of his response (spoken or typed). One - so you (and he) are clear on how you feel about what has happened. And two, so you have a record of him acknowledging her age, should you need it.

What an awful situation OP. You've done so well - don't break now.

"Parental alienation is a strategy whereby one parent intentionally displays to the child unjustified negativity aimed at the other parent. The purpose of this strategy is to damage the child's relationship with the other parent and to turn the child's emotions against that other parent."

That's not what we're talking about here. OP doesn't have to badmouth the guy to her children, and either way, it's not 'unjustified negativity' when he's clearly suspicious and she has good reason to be trying to protect her children from him.

The courts will find in the children's best interests and that will not be 100% custody with this man.

He's not ''innocent'' having sex with what is basically a child.
A likely very mentally disturbed and damaged child- I'd guess almost certainly a care leaver or someone in foster care.

Children like this are drawn to ''Daddy'' figures, revolting as that sounds.

{Foster family we lived near said they stopped taking teen girls as they couldn't keep them safe from predatory men}

I'm sorry you are also to blame if you have taken him back, your partner/ex is a predator. He groomed a 15 year old and you are allowing him near your kids?! He met and groomed a school age CHILD. There is no non-sinister reason a 32 year old would want anything to do with a 16 year old who is old enough to be in school still. I am 32 and if any of my friends dated a 16 year old I would have nothing to do with them ever again and tell everyone why.

Your children still need their dad so unfortunately you'll have to have some kind of contact with him in order to facilitate this. This is very hard on you.
Morally your partner has treated everyone badly: you, his children and this girl who was clearly vulnerable. He was very wrong to have sex with a just-sixteen year old (or an almost-sixteen-year-old if that happened, which would be illegal).

However, he's not a pedophile who abuses young children, and I can't see the need for supervised access . But he certainly doesn't have any right to pop in and see the children whenever he likes. Proper access at fixed times needs to be agreed and also financial maintenance, through the courts if necessary.
I'm sorry OP, this is a nightmare for you.

I agreed to Wednesday after school.
Even though this was an inconvenience.
He wants more and constantly pushing my boundaries asking when they can sleep. Telling the children to ask. Bribing them with big Xmas presents.

I'm so burnt out my kids do a lot of activities.
We have a good life I've made such a safe loving home for them. I work 2 jobs one a business I set up from scratch. We travel the world.
My son does modelling and scouted for football. My daughter loves dancing and does well in her dance shows. They're well mannered. He says our kids 'are little rich kids' according to him. I look after them well - No help from him.

No one in our lives would know about this (except his family)

I agree I am on a completely different road to him. He's just quit his job again. I don't know where his car has gone... the gf probably smashed it up, and he's back in the box room.
He's the only thing that brings us down.
He even puts me down in front of the children - 'stupid, obnoxious, high maintenance' so on - it comes across as jealousy.

I'm looking forward to a new year. I wrote a saying in my journal- 'what you're not changing your choosing'

I just want to be at peace with this situation.
I could of been at peace with him being many things.... but a nonce...
it's the worst thing anyone could be...
they are even at the bottom of the prison hierarchy!!

Thank you I appreciate the advice, separating emotionally is the answer.

I really appreciate you sharing your advice from an outside perspective x

Also, have you sought legal advice on this? You really ought to. Personally, I'd be cutting him out of my children's lives entirely because he's a predator with a penchant for children... yes 16 isn't 9 but 16 is not an adult. That girl is just that: A girl. Not an adult. Why her mother enabled your ex to prey on her own daughter in their family home baffles me. It's all horribly wrong.

I'm sorry. I said I wouldn't give my opinion and here I am, doing just that. The thing I've learned from my own experience is that you probably will have to allow contact because he has not been convicted of a crime. This is shitty and wrong but unless the family court has a transcript from a sentencing hearing stating clearly that your ex is a sex offender and is going to or is in prison for his crimes, they don't want to know. So, supervised contact is your safest bet if you have to offer contact.

I don't know. If I were your close friend, I'd be getting you measured for boxing gloves and I'd coach you on how to knock this mother fucker out. But then... I hate most husbands and dads because the majority of them are shit.

You ate entitled to be disgusted, angry, and grossed out. He does not get to tell you anything about you—he is not the judge of you. Your emotions or thoughts are not his to control.

As soon as he says anything critical just cut him off. If in person just hold up your hand, palm out, and say “we are done here” snd close the door. If by text or phone just end the conversation. If you need to say anything just repeat, in a monotone “this is irrelevant. The children’s schedule is fixed. I am not interested in your opinions.”

Again, you’re wrong.

If he admitted to you it was going on back when she was 15 that makes him a paedophile. Nothing else to say really.

I think this needs to go through court and a proper schedule to be established.
It is not in the best interest of the children for him to go in and out of their lives with no consistency.
It is not up to you to tell the kids that "Daddy loves you but can't be here". That is covering for him, you have no idea if this is the truth, if he will come back and if he does for how long for.
Your relationship with him needs to be grey rock, don't get dragged into arguments with him. They don't matter, you aren't in a relationship anymore. The only things you need to talk about is arrangements for the children, division of assets and child maintenance. The more you can go through official channels for these, the better so that he can't use them to mess you around and drag you into arguments.

What have I just read?!

Repeat what police said OP because we all need clarification on that. I'm not entirely sure why this clown is walking around. 15???

He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point...

So the girls mum approved of him grooming her daughter? That's shocking.

Let him take you to court for access until then keep it on your terms. He'll abandon the kids again anyway when he gets another victim.

Your post is horrific with its victim blaming and support for OP's paedophile DH.

As for this stomach churning nonsense:

'Your getting the negative response from him because he is the biological father of your children. It's part of an inbuilt biological animal instinct to fight anyone who is keeping him from his child including you. Irrespective of any logic you wish to apply to it. Logic disintegrates and means nothing in biological animal instincts.'

If he wants to fight anyone who is keeping him from his children, he should fight himself as he was the one who left his family to begin a relationship with a 15 year old schoolgirl at the age of 32. He could not give a flying fuck about his kids. His manipulation of OP to get unsupervised contact is just another way for him to control and abuse her.

You need to put your big girl pants on and sort this out and protect your children. All the child sexual abusers I know were ‘manipulated’ by children with mental health issues, apparently. But you are a grown up and need to stand up for your kids.

This 100%
Do not allow him to manipulate and gaslight you
supervised contact only. Parenting App.
you deserve better than this nonce.

"No father is a total disaster for any child"
Sweeping statement much?
Bollocks to that.
I've met a lot of people who were raised by a single mum because the father was abusive and they are all the better for it.

OP your first post sounds like you are looking to take him back and there's also quite a bit of victim blaming.

You are sure he was abusing this girl at 15?
Tell the police that and support her testimony!
Hand your phone to the police and tell them about the recording you made and deleted. It's amazing what they can recover.