Ex left us for a 16 year old partner

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I posted annon a while back about ex leaving us to be in a relationship with a 16 year old.

Well, he is back and the manipulation is in full swing.

I'm so isolated, I've got no one.
At night - my heart physically hurts, my brain literally says 'I'm so lonely, I just need a hug' I wonder every night how I'm going to get through the next day get my kids to their activities, raise them into good people, work and not completely burn out.
I keep pushing people away and feel safer alone.

Anyway back to the point - I guess I feel vulnerable.

The kids dad is back after embarking on a relationship with a 16 year old (he admitted to me they initially met when she was 15 but they've lied to the police)

He says it was the worst mistake of his life. She blackmailed him with threats to the police and to save himself he did not contact us at all.
(I spoke to the girl and she confirmed she did not want him to see the children)

Their relationship was volatile. Constant police involvement. She had mental health problems and he later learned she was in a psyc ward when they met online.

The police were aware of their relationship by the way. I informed them also but it's legal in the uk. (Obviously wrong)
He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point... went on multiple holidays... so it's hard for me to believe it was all black Mail.

Stupidity after him begging and manipulating my mind I let him see our children.
But I seem crazy because I battle between mind and heart.

Mind - how could he abandon the children for not just a woman but for a 16 year old! What was he thinking!!!!
If the relationship would have worked out well... would he even be back???
What if he leaves again it will tear our hearts apart.
What if he is still in contact with her to appease her?

So I pull away and say he can't see them anymore and to go to court. Then he calls me crazy, unstable and sends me abuse and gaslights me.

This situation is too complex for me to navigate, he put us in this situation, I need help with the children sometimes I want to ask but I'm struggling with trusting him again.

He expects me to just forget the past but I feel he's done too much

• the relationship with a child
• the complete abandonment, he even changed his phone number.

I respect his mum as she stayed in contact with the children throughout.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thanks

I remember your thread (it was quite a while ago). I am not surprised you feel so upset and angry. You need some legal advice about setting up visitation/custody arrangements with the children and have it set in writing which days he can have contact, supervised or unsupervised, child support etc. Keep all your communication via text (no calls)so you can control things a little more and he isn’t just calling you or turning up when he wants to. You also have evidence then. I am with you he is a p.o.s and I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my kids either. He sounds like the typical arsehole using your kids as an excuse to get to you. You can control that though. Keep him at arms length. Ask your GP if they can refer you to a councilling service to help you understand and manage your anger and help you going forward.

You need to approach this rationally, neutrally and dispassionately.

Take your emotion out of it.

Communicate with him only via a 3rd party app to arrange contact times. Nothing else.

If he is harassing you approach the police.

Technically not paedophilia but ,

Ephebophilia ⓘ is the primary sexual interest in mid-to-late adolescents, generally ages 15 to 19.[1] The term was originally used in the late 19th to mid-20th century.[1] It is one of a number of sexual preferences across age groups subsumed under the technical term chronophilia. Ephebophilia strictly denotes the preference for mid-to-late adolescent sexual partners, not the mere presence of some level of sexual attraction.[1]

He is still a gross man though , and I wouldn't have him back for any reason

It's also hard to look at someone you've known for 15 years and view them as a predator. I know this will upsets many people but I don't think his intent was like a nasty pedo type. So I struggle with that cognitive dissonance. I look at him and wonder what he was genuinely thinking. He has such and innocence about him. Trust me if you met him you would know what I mean. I come across as the more confident established person.

This is not something that police would spend any time on, honestly.

Riling the OP up further isn't going to help.

Please listen to me.

He is your ex, his life is not your problem, his relationships are nothing to do with you.

He is not walking your path with you anymore. Done.

You are walking your path. Hold your head up high. You are raising your children alone - it’s done.

Offer him supervised access at specify times and dates and through a contact centre only. That’s it.

He is a danger to himself and others but you can not change the direction of the police or the court. You can only protect your children according to what the court allows.

Protect yourself. No contact with him - none. Absolutely none. If you must have a separate phone for him but I would suggest you make all contact go through a solicitor or a third party. You need space. You have trauma and to heal you need space from him.

Listen to me, he doesn’t call the shots and cry I want, I want , I want …..like a toddler. He can, but you have a choice and you don’t listen to him. Absolutely no contact. Do not engage. This is your life now and the children need a stable home and a mother that has her shit sorted. Assume you can not rely on him - you are doing it alone now.

Your own friends and your own support system.

Hi op. This man has groomed a minor, and begun a relationship with a schoolgirl.. The court would take that seriously. He abandoned his children and sought no contact for months. He uses contact to emotionally abuse and manipulate you.
I suggest you change the arrangements immediately. Let his mother supervise contact and have no further direct contact with him. You are right, he is disgusting and you need have nothing more to do with him. If he wants more than you feel is safe , tell him to apply via the court. If he uses contact to undermine you to the children, or involves them as messengers, stop the contact and explain factually why. He’s got some work to do to prove he is a safe and loving father. I wish you and your children well.

OP has already said it has been investigated, devices were seized, no evidence of wrongdoing found.

She’s not going to be able to protect them at all when he takes her to court, successfully arguing parental alienation, and he gets those kids 100% of the time.

Doesn't matter what his intent was. He had a relationship with a 15 year old when he was in his 30's. That's predatory and it's not something that normal adults do.

There is no context in which that is OK, and he clearly has an attraction to very very young girls.

Stop making excuses for him. He's a paedophile, and this can transfer to your children when they get into their teens.

First off, as someone else has said, Greyrock him. You will never convince him that he's behaved badly. Don't waste your energy discussing it with him. You need to emotionally distance yourself and not discuss anything with him. He's your past. He doesn't matter to you.

He has a right to contact. Get that sorted and set in stone. Courts decide what that looks like. Give him no more than allowed. He picks them up from the front door, drops them off. He never enters your home again. All conversations are about the kids only so he knows to take them to birthday parties, sports clubs etc. Civil, unemotional.

Then get counselling for yourself, my GP surgery have a link on their website to ask for counselling. Check yours and get yourself on the list. It will take a while but it's worth it. In the meantime look on line for meditation apps, website with advice on how to settle your mind and emotions. You've been through a terrible trauma, and are still living it. You need support. But in all seriousness...Greyrock is your only way forward or he will just keep manipulating you, verbally abusing you and causing trouble. This won't be easy, but if he doesn't get a rise from you he will eventually get bored and create drama elsewhere. He clearly loves drama.

Do you have any experience in this field Smokeandflame? Or is it just your opinion?

How old were you when you got together out of interest?

I'm sorry he is wrecking your head but what you need right now is support from the right agencies and to remind yourself that he is not a good father AND THIS IS NOT ON YOU

@Dotto is right when I say the police dont waste time on it.
They took all their electronics and interviewed him many times.
They had a volatile relationship- big police record.

But if we go to court I will say he told me they met in a hotel at 15.

I actually recorded it on my Apple Watch but it deleted I think cause it was over an hour long.

Just to show them my concern

Well he might want that but that's not what he's getting. Actions have consequences.

He's BACK?

WHAT?

Obviously if there is proof that he had a sexual relationship with a 15 year old then that's a game changing and he'll be charged. Until that is proved, his awful behaviour won't impress the court and you can hope that it will impact their decisions.

Don’t listen to his lies and demands OP, get some legal advice, stick to the set days and supervised contact.

I understand what you are saying, but OP and some other posters seem to have a pretty passive attitude to all this, OP is making excuses for him, and is still talking to him, which I find absolutely astonishing given the situation.

If this was me I would be seeking legal advice and potentially hiring a private investigator to try and get evidence to incriminate him. I would certainly not be passively chatting away to this guy and going 'oh but he's nice really, you'd never suspect him if you knew him...'

Sometimes as a parent you have to put your foot down and you do whatever you can to protect your kids. You don't just lie back and let stuff happen.

"love comes in all shapes and sizes"

Straight from the nonce manual.

I wonder whether you would be able to tell social work that he's confessed that the "relationship" started when the girl was only 15 and that that is why you want all contact to be supervised?

I agree that OP shouldn’t be talking to him about it, I said that previously on this thread- block number & emails, go via a parenting app and keep about kids only.

But OP “putting her foot down” here, as I’ve said, is parental alienation and he could well get the kids 100% through the courts that way- OP can’t protect them at all then.

It’s where the moral reaction and the legal response are very different things. OP is going to look terrible in court and is giving him a very strong case for parental alienation here which will be the worst case scenario for OP is he then has full care of those children.

Oh, OP, to anyone who has a functional IQ it doesn't seem like that at all.
Your partner is a nonce, as you and all of us clearly can see. Sadly, we live in a society where the law and police are tainted with mysoginy still. That's why your husband is not "legally" considered a nonce.
But please, you are NOT crazy nor to blame here. Absolutely not.

The OP is putting her children first. She's trying to protect them from a man who is a nonce.

You report to the police that the girl was 15 when they got together and that he lied in a police statement. Where is he living now?

Could you speak to the Safeguarding Lead at your children's school? Your husband did break the law when he began a sexual relationship with a 15 year old and he told you that himself so you can use that as a reason to deny him unsupervised contact. Please speak to a solicitor or phone Women's Aid for advice.

That's not going to happen.

Well he should have set days because that’s what is best for the children. It gives them a sense if security and a routine.
You need support big time. Contact Gingerbread their phone number is at the top of this page https://www.gingerbread.org.uk
Speak to your children’s school for support if they’re school age.
If you have under 5s you can ask your health visitor for support.

Work out some set sentences for your partner and reoeat them. Don’t deviate just repeat. “The children need set days for their security and well being”
“We will review the situation in the near future”

Stay calm, you’re in control. You are your children’s security, your home is their safe place.
And always remember HE broke the law.