Ex left us for a 16 year old partner

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I posted annon a while back about ex leaving us to be in a relationship with a 16 year old.

Well, he is back and the manipulation is in full swing.

I'm so isolated, I've got no one.
At night - my heart physically hurts, my brain literally says 'I'm so lonely, I just need a hug' I wonder every night how I'm going to get through the next day get my kids to their activities, raise them into good people, work and not completely burn out.
I keep pushing people away and feel safer alone.

Anyway back to the point - I guess I feel vulnerable.

The kids dad is back after embarking on a relationship with a 16 year old (he admitted to me they initially met when she was 15 but they've lied to the police)

He says it was the worst mistake of his life. She blackmailed him with threats to the police and to save himself he did not contact us at all.
(I spoke to the girl and she confirmed she did not want him to see the children)

Their relationship was volatile. Constant police involvement. She had mental health problems and he later learned she was in a psyc ward when they met online.

The police were aware of their relationship by the way. I informed them also but it's legal in the uk. (Obviously wrong)
He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point... went on multiple holidays... so it's hard for me to believe it was all black Mail.

Stupidity after him begging and manipulating my mind I let him see our children.
But I seem crazy because I battle between mind and heart.

Mind - how could he abandon the children for not just a woman but for a 16 year old! What was he thinking!!!!
If the relationship would have worked out well... would he even be back???
What if he leaves again it will tear our hearts apart.
What if he is still in contact with her to appease her?

So I pull away and say he can't see them anymore and to go to court. Then he calls me crazy, unstable and sends me abuse and gaslights me.

This situation is too complex for me to navigate, he put us in this situation, I need help with the children sometimes I want to ask but I'm struggling with trusting him again.

He expects me to just forget the past but I feel he's done too much

• the relationship with a child
• the complete abandonment, he even changed his phone number.

I respect his mum as she stayed in contact with the children throughout.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thanks

I doubt the courts would give him custody I do everything for the children.
I mean everything.
My children has support in school when he left as they were emotionally upset.
I worked with the school and they wrote a report. I told them everything. In the final report the woman wrote such a lovely evaluation about me and how much I pour into my kids.
Even without the nonce part.
He completely abandoned his children for over a year for a 'partner' without a care to their well being.
He changed his phone number and his relationship was volatile.
I just cracked on while hurting inside and held the kids heads and dignity high.

The girl hated my children she smashed up his phone because he had a picture of him and our daughter.
All this will all be on record

"Logic disintegrates and means nothing in biological animal instincts".

See this rather troubles me too Guy84

I don’t understand this at all and assume this isn’t a post in good faith.

A woman of substance and character such as you describe would have taken legal advice by now from a very experienced family law practitioner and would be well aware of what to say, do and of the strategy to adopt in communication etc. to secure the best result for her children. If you are in good faith do this now.

If there is no proof that he consorted with a 15 year old, then the law won’t help you stop access. I’m not commenting on the rights and wrongs, but being coldly factual - which is what you need to be. You need to work out your best and worst case scenarios with your lawyer. Mention everything- particularly his demeaning language about you to kids.

I'm just reading all of this back.
That poor girl. She’s been let down by every adult in her sphere.

Your ex needs to face the consequences of his criminal, illegal, and abusive actions. He abused a 15 year old girl and you all are just standing around waiting for the flood.

If contact is a must, then NOTHING less than court ordered supervised contact in a contact centre will do. Not only is this entirely reasonable, it's too good for your ex who abandoned his children so that he could go fuck another child under that child's mothers's nose. My god.

Come on, OP. Be the moral compass in an environment where none exists. I'm really not sure you should be considering contact before considering whether your ex should even be walking around, living his best life on his terms. What a bastard. That child he abused will be destroyed to the bones of her.

The police first made me make a report.
I was under the impression it wasn't a crime as she was 16. They said it is!

So interviewed me,

I told them everything the GF told me.

The officer said - I know it's disgusting (her face was disgusted) but it's a grey area because she is now 16 and basically lying to cover him.

She told me -
They were stopped at the airport on the 16th birthday, the police went to her house to ask her mum if it was ok for them to travel, her mum authorised it.

So again, nothing they could do.

the devices were taken etc. he must feel invincible

You sound like you’re an amazing mum who works very hard to provide a happy home despite having a husband - hopefully Ex ? who is …..
Stop engaging with him unless it’s about the kids, there are apps for this .
Limit contact .Don’t keep answering him
hes trying to draw you into his drama

He abused a vulnerable 15 year old with MH issues , that’s the kind of person he is .

Divorce and arms length.

Have you sought expert advice? Or is this just your opinion?

The courts will care about little of the above, mainly completely irrelevant in the eyes of the law.

He's a disgrace & his kids should be protected from him.

Sex possibly with a 15yr old.

A vulnerable, ill, child.

Going by your posts you have a long list of evidence which can be provided to a court about your children.
He can push all he wants but he also doesn't have the set up for them in the first place if he's in a box room.

Honestly let him take you to court! A judge acts for what is in the children's best interests. They will organise for reports to be done and assessments you already have a lot which counteracts his arguments. He would also have to self represent. You are currently giving contact but if you get contacted by the police again etc then you are within your rights to protect your children and stop the supervised contact.

I went to the police I tried my best. I'm a victim in this also. I was in disgust that he mum let him move in. It nothing I've ever heard of. I contacted her school. She was involved with SS already apparently. There was only so much I could do.

She wanted her man. As bad as that sounds she was fighting and lying for him.

She hates me and would s me me random messages calling me a disgusting B...

I hope one day she goes the police and sees that she was let down. I think it's only when you look back you realise, when you're young you think you've got it all worked out.
I hope she's ok too x

The courts will be very interested in the school reports as it shows what is in the children's well being that is what they go on.

You need to do this all through the courts and minimise contact with him. The issue of him sleeping with a 16yr old is - whilst morally abhorrent - nothing a family court judge will be remotely interested in, it’s a separate issue. Concentrate on his living situation, and lack of (I‘m guessing) financial ability or willingness.

get contact court ordered then be ready to go back to court when the gobshite inevitably fails to uphold his end of this.

This guy is manipulative and abusive.

You need

• a shit hot lawyer to ensure he does as little damage to the dcs as possible
• counselling. For yourself and the dcs.

You’ve reached out here which is great because you sure need a lot of support with a man like this in front if you. But you need support in RL. Proper legal, practical and emotional support.

Atm he is trying to rein you in. To make you do whatever he wants now that he has lost his ‘other toy’.
He is emotionally manipulating the dcs (the gifts, bath mouthing you, telling you you should tell them X and Y to put him in a good light)
The reality is that they need you to tell them the truth whilst at the same time not putting him down (because it will backfire). It’s a hard balance to find. Even more so when you are under such pressure yourself.
You need help to detangle all of that.

In the mean time, look up Grey Rocking. It’s probably the best way to deal with him just now

And with a bit of luck, he’ll find something or someone else to concentrate on soon.

It's not that simple.he is attracted to children. I hope you find a way to stop him seeing the children OP.

Have social services not been involved?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 what a load of poppycock! Where on earth did you cut and paste that psychobabble from? A cursory read of the Relationship board on this very site will soon clarify exactly how much some men have an “inbuilt animal instinct” to look after their children.

OP - stop engaging with your ex, use a parenting app to arrange visitation and assert your boundaries - if a time isn’t convenient say no, unless HE can find a way to make it work. If he puts you down so what? He has dreadful judgement and appalling morals, be glad he thinks you’re high maintenance.

@Dotto the issue re the dcs is the hurt he has inflicted to them by disappearing for 1 year.
Its the emotional abuse/guilt tripping/using them as a tool to attack the OP. Confirmed by many reports.

Yes, on paper, this guy still should have access to them Re his relationship with a teen.
But in the ground if the abuse, should they really??

Note: I appreciate the Courts tend to still offer contact to abusers. It’s a hige issue that plays against the dcs. It doesn’t mean it’s not worth fighting fir it.

He is abusive so you need a go between , he only communicates via this person ( friend relative etc ) that will keep him civil and if he is not polite another person keeps the record if it , I know a few people who have done this you literally text your friend , “ Johnny has a bit of a cough had calpol at 6 o’clock needs to finish his homework and needs a haircut back at 2 o’clock “ Friend texts it to him They only reply with “ running 10 mins late “etc nothing else is necessary

if you can’t get neighbour or friend to open the door on contact days then he drops them to the gate watches them go in and drives off , you can smile and wave if you want but I’d not

absolutely no direct contact ever again as soon as kids are 16 they have own phones and manage their own contact

keep supervised access as again that will moderate his comments to the kids that could be manipulation or abusive

People need to be more gentle with OP.

He's groomed a vulnerable girl with significant mental health problems. He's probably a master manipulater. OP will at one point have been under his spell too. It must have been a huge mind fuck to have gone through all this.

Take a cess through courts and only liaise with him through appropriate channels. Block his number and only have contact supervised for now.

He started grooming a severely mentally ill child while they were 15 and in a psych ward.
He's a fucking paedo. Why don't you tell the police? I would.

The police know. If you look at all of the OP's posts, the police are aware but there's no proof of underage sex.

@WearyAuldWumman sorry, thank you. He's appalling. She needs to never speak to him again. Except about custody.

Agreed. He's a dangerous man.

This thread is horrific. My DD is nearly fifteen. She's a happy healthy well-grounded girl. The thought of a 32 year old grooming her for sex turns my stomach. The idea that could be done to her if she was mentally unwell is terrifying. And the police did nothing? It's so fucked up.

Your situation is almost a carbon copy of what I went through earlier in the year.

32 year old partner cheating on me with a newly 16 year old. I hope it's not the same person.

I was absolutely traumatised by it and it still keeps me up at night sometimes. So I understand how hard this is for you.