Ex left us for a 16 year old partner

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I posted annon a while back about ex leaving us to be in a relationship with a 16 year old.

Well, he is back and the manipulation is in full swing.

I'm so isolated, I've got no one.
At night - my heart physically hurts, my brain literally says 'I'm so lonely, I just need a hug' I wonder every night how I'm going to get through the next day get my kids to their activities, raise them into good people, work and not completely burn out.
I keep pushing people away and feel safer alone.

Anyway back to the point - I guess I feel vulnerable.

The kids dad is back after embarking on a relationship with a 16 year old (he admitted to me they initially met when she was 15 but they've lied to the police)

He says it was the worst mistake of his life. She blackmailed him with threats to the police and to save himself he did not contact us at all.
(I spoke to the girl and she confirmed she did not want him to see the children)

Their relationship was volatile. Constant police involvement. She had mental health problems and he later learned she was in a psyc ward when they met online.

The police were aware of their relationship by the way. I informed them also but it's legal in the uk. (Obviously wrong)
He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point... went on multiple holidays... so it's hard for me to believe it was all black Mail.

Stupidity after him begging and manipulating my mind I let him see our children.
But I seem crazy because I battle between mind and heart.

Mind - how could he abandon the children for not just a woman but for a 16 year old! What was he thinking!!!!
If the relationship would have worked out well... would he even be back???
What if he leaves again it will tear our hearts apart.
What if he is still in contact with her to appease her?

So I pull away and say he can't see them anymore and to go to court. Then he calls me crazy, unstable and sends me abuse and gaslights me.

This situation is too complex for me to navigate, he put us in this situation, I need help with the children sometimes I want to ask but I'm struggling with trusting him again.

He expects me to just forget the past but I feel he's done too much

• the relationship with a child
• the complete abandonment, he even changed his phone number.

I respect his mum as she stayed in contact with the children throughout.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thanks

@Marblesbackagain what legal protection?

You said his mum has been supportive through it all. Can she take the kids for you sometimes?

I know people might think his mum would jus let him take them, but not necessarily.

It does sound like a fixed schedule needs to be put in place. He can't just pop in and out as he wishes. That only works for parents who have a good co parenting relationship

Yes you sound like him, he says all of this.
I'm just struggling emotionally I do everything by myself and now his grooming plan didn't go well he wants to circle back. After changing his number etc

Unfortunately you have no grounds to stop him seeing his own children.

However much you dislike him (and who wouldn't TBF)

You can get a parenting agreement in place though with court order to determine what days he sees them and how much etc. Having him pop round when he fancies it and just turn up on random days isn't acceptable.

You can minimise contact with him yourself by setting up an email address that you only use for contact arrangements and then block him on everything else.

Go and see a solicitor abut childcare arrangements. they will all give you a free 30 mins consultation too get you started. Good Luck.

Well he has done something wrong in the eyes of the law because he had a relationship with a 15 year old. The fact that he lied doesn't make it not illegal. It just means he lied.

There is no way would I let this guy anywhere near my kids, and I'd be doing everything in my power to limit contact and ideally get him out of the picture entirely.

You should inform the police that he lied about her age. The guy is a paedophile.

I am in a different jurisdiction so here's we could get a barring order should a person be found to be a risk. I am not familiar with the legal protection but I am sure there has to be something. But no way would be better having unsupervised contact with my children.

If you read the comments you can see how conflicted they are and this is why I am battling in my mind also, all of the above.
Plus the emotion.

Yes I am listening to what others are saying -
I have been speaking to him. I supervise contact. We try and keep it amicable but it comes up unfortunately.

He also blames me for not telling the children he loves them and wants to be with them but can't right now... but how was I supposed to know I didn't know where he was til the GF contacted me

Yes, and it needs to be disclosed that he started grooming the girl when she was 15 (and mentally ill). What a scum he is.

Your husband has admitted to you that he is a pedophile. There’s no dressing that up, or manipulating the truth - he told you that they started up when she was 15.

He is a sex offender
He is a predator
He is abusive

I would be saying zero contact.

And what happens when your kids are 16??

Get rid of this paedophile for good!

This is not all that complicated, OP.

This man is a paedophile.

Repeat that to yourself.

This man is a paedophile.

Don't talk to him. Do not give him the time of day.

Tell him that you will not have a paedophile near your children, and let the courts sort out the rest. Tell the police that he has had a relationship with a 15 year old.

Do not let him into your head, stop being nice and agreeable to him, draw your line and stop talking to him.

Why would you do anything else? If he can do this to a 15 year old girl he has met online, he can do it to one of your children when they are older. You need to protect them.

OP. Please look up grey rock, as an approach to managing your ex.

He has shown himself to have appalling judgement and so you shouldn't pay any attention to the judgements of you that he shares.

You need to decide what you think is a reasonable amount of contact your children have with him, state that is what you will work to and stick with that. Ignore his objections. If you think he needs supervised contact, tell him access needs to be arranged with what also works for his mum as you expect her to be there too.

It's hard when you are feeling vulnerable and unsure, but sometimes behaviour can influence thoughts and feelings - it's not always the other way around. If you set and uphold these boundaries , you might then start to feel more empowered and on top of things

He can say what he likes you don't need to agree, even if you get letters from a solicitor they just write what they are paid to even if the letter sounds scary, unless he takes you to court nothing is enforceable.

He is a creep and gross but in terms of legality he hasn't officially done anything wrong and isn't a pedophile as they are attracted to those who have not yet developed. What he did was still disgusting but it's not on the same level as if she had been further under age. Unless he works with children and was somehow responsible for her.

Why the supervised contact and who was supervising? And what was your plan to progress this?
How old are the children? Has the bond irretrievably broken down were they newborns or very young? If not, as he currently officially poses no risk the court are unlikely to go for supervised contact, although may go for dropping off and picking up by a third party like his mum but even then you have hurt feelings rather than having been physically abused so even this is fairly unlikely.

If you feel like he is an actual risk to your children then you stop contact and need to have evidence and go down the official route via social services and the Police. Without that official backing you won't have a leg to stand on in court when limiting contact.

This does not mean you can't have very strong boundaries though. Use a parenting app for all future correspondence. These are the consequences of his actions and breaking up the family. You make them available for regular, set visits that suit you adthe children. He provides everything they need in that time. When you communicate with him be cold and factual, don't get into an emotional discussion.

Him being around your kids would be a safeguarding issue.

He should be in prison. He should be on the sex offenders register.
The 15/16 was a child they are not to blame.
He cannot benefit your children at all .

You can't use your children as weapons to hurt him. Legally there is no evidence that he can't obtain residency with him 50% of the time, so think carefully whether you want to go via the courts.

It feels unfair but you have to emotionally disengage from the hurt he has caused you. It bears no influence on the relationship his children have with him.

He put himself on the route of ‘set days’ when he decided to have a relationship (can I call it that?) with a child. What his children need is reliable set days. It is not about him anymore

What a passive approach.

We are talking about a paedophile here. Of course it influences the relationship his children have with him, and their future safety in his care.

OP has to at least try to keep him away from her children.

There is no legal evidence that he is a paedophile and OP cannot prove it.

A court would find in his favour.

Stick with the supervised visits for now.
Of he takes you to court you simply explain due to police involvement/investigations you stuck with supervised visits.
No court will order what he is wanting of seeing them whenever he likes btw they might agree that he's allowed unsupervised visits in time once reports are done. But it will be set days and times.

Except what matters is the law & legally he HASN’T done anything wrong.

He was investigated and cleared. That’s all the courts care about.

If OP “tries to keep the children away” and it gets to court he has the strongest of cases for parental alienation and so he could well end up having those kids 100% of the time.

I know it seems like I use the children as a weapon and I am unstable. But I genuinely do not mean to nor do I have bad intent. Hence why I'm reaching out for support

How do you know that there is no proof? All they would have to do is dig around on their mobiles and find messages between them before her 16th birthday.

You don't know all the details and you don't know what would happen in court, but you are encouraging OP to allow her children to have unsupervised contact with a paedophile.

Don't be so ridiculous. She has to try and protect them from him.