OH caught drug driving no idea what to do

[AW525]

We have a 6 month old baby, been together over 4 years, he has today been caught drug driving (first time ever). We are currently living with family members as we are renovating and are due to move in in 2 weeks time - our first family home. Turns out he bought some Cocaine last night, did some at the pub, then drove to where we are living, he didn't tell me any of this at the time. Then this morning went back to the Reno house and did more. Upon driving home he's been pulled over due to poor lights and been tested. He doesn't have a problem generally but he gets sucked in to this due to his friends. As far as I'm aware this is the first time he's done it since baby arrived as we had an argument about his infrequent use when I was pregnant. I'm hurt he did this, I'm hurt he tried hiding it, I'm hurt for my baby, I'm hurt for my family. I want him to leave and stay somewhere else but I'm on maternity leave we are due to move in I just feel so overwhelmed. I'm not sure my reason for this post, I just feel so gutted. X

But it was a choice to have a baby with one

I think PPs are wasting their time telling OP to LTB because I’m willing to bet that she absolutely will not.

He’s addicted AND he could’ve killed someone. Zero tolerance for anyone driving a car under the influence of drink or drugs. It’s unforgivable & disgusting.

Or, to put it another way, to be addicted to illegal drugs, you did at some point make an active choice to start taking illegal drugs. I can see a route in there via addiction to legal drugs which no-one will prescribe for you any more, but I don’t think cocaine is a drug to which that applies - it has always struck me more as a drug selfish people take to enhance their pre-existing selfishness, or which some people try when they are young and stupid.

He gets sucked in by friends - so which friends were forced to feeding him coke on a Saturday morning??

Stopped for poor lighting - sure it wasn't driving erratically? Something gave them reason to test him....

Doesn't do it often, but gets caught the single (not single if it was last night and this morning!) time he does - ok then.

A referral to child services will be going in from the police and definitely probation if he's charged and convicted so you might want to have your plan in place for how you're going to protect your child if you're going to stay with him.

You’re having a different conversation to the one you jumped in on and I’m not interested in prolonging an unhelpful discourse on morality. It isn’t going to help OP in the slightest.

Having worked in investments for years I can happily say that I've shared a desk with a cokehead for 4 years and been out partying with them and their team and never got 'sucked in'. That's a weak excuse for a weak man and if he is that weak then I question whether he would be able to kick the habit and keep it kicked if he continued to spend time with the same friends.

You will never have the trust back with him now this has happened. I'd think long and hard about the impact on you and also your child. If SS show up then he will need to commit to some form of rehab and regular testing for a while before they will close a case. Sorry OP, this is a bad situation for you. Could you remove yourself from the situation and stay with family or your friends while you consider how you feel about this once the heat wears off?

I'm so sorry you're going through this op - he's very lucky he was pulled over, your little one could've been growing up without a dad if he wasn't!

I agree with the other posters though, you're massively minimising this. Nobody takes coke on a Saturday morning whilst visiting an empty house unless they have a serious problem. You know that.

One of my friends was reported to SS as the school had reported her husband for picking the kids up drunk. At the time my friend completely denied it - said he was just tired from doing a night shift and the school were out of order. Ofc, once they split up she confirmed what everybody already knew - he was an alcoholic and thank god the school reported him!!

When you're vulnerable and scared about the future....and let's face it, probably a bit ashamed/embarrassed about the whole situation.....you protect yourself by minimising. If it's no big deal you don't need to make big decisions. But, deep down you know it is a big deal and if you don't face it head-on now you most definitely will have to in the near future (like my friend did).

Remember op, you only know about this because he got caught. If your baby needed to go in the car this morning would he have said 'aw no, sorry babe, I've sniffed, I can't drive!'? Probably not.

What I'd do next would depend on how remorseful he was. I wouldn't accept less than 'I've got a pretty big problem here and I need to get help!'....any of this 'it was the first time/my friends made me do it' bullshit would have me packing bags.

It's unlikely he started using it only after OP became pregnant.

That really is not true.

It's unlikely he started using it only after OP became pregnant.

A lot of people use recreationally, it doesn't mean they're addicts.

Let's not blame the OP for her DP's actions.

This is so stupid. Alcohol has also been illegal in the past.

Legal highs were rife a few years ago.

Alcohol is a liquid drug. I don’t mean to be rude but you don’t know what you’re talking about.

The fact you turned a blind eye to his drug use while you were pregnant meant that you enabled him to carry on using. It gave him the message that his drug use was fine with you, even when you were going to have a child.

He is clearly an addict, and what addicts do above everything else is lie to those closest to them about the extent of their drugs use. Undoubtedly he will be using far far more than he will ever admit. He is choosing cocaine over you and over his child.

For your own and your child's welfare you have to leave him. That may give him the jolt he needs to go to rehab and to actually want to stop using, or it may not. But you should not remain with him and never let him be unsupervised with your child. If he does commit to coming off it he needs to do regular drugs tests to show he is off it and commit to doing that for the foreseeable future. Frankly I can't imagine why you'd want to stay with someone you could never trust or respect again. Of course it will be painful and difficult to tell him to leave but it looks like you have a supportive family who will help you. Far better that than bringing up a child whilst trying to manage someone else's addiction, that's a soul-destroying way to live.

I'm not blaming OP for his actions in taking drugs. OP is however responsible for her decision to stay with a user of illegal drugs.

Sorry OP. If he's been caught last night it would be shit but recreational shitness with friends. Alone on a Sat morning at the reno house is addiction x

He should be banned for a very long time and then have to resit his test. Drink/Drug drivers are beneath contempt.

What if he had killed someone?

He doesn't have a problem generally but he gets sucked in to this due to his friends.

Oh, ffs.
You're just as bad as he is with this sorry statement.
Grow up and put your child first.

Not related to the OP's issue but I'm so fed up of the posters trying to be cool about "recreational use" of illegal drugs.

You (general you) are condoning illegal black markets, trafficking, slavery, illegal firearms, funding for terrorism.

This.

You have some big decisions to make @AW525

You need to face up to what he has done, and stop minimising it, so that you know what it is you are facing so you can start making big decisions.

I feel like a lot of these responses are very unhelpful and judgmental “he’s an addict, loser”, “you walked into this” there’s no need just to drop in to be a dick.

What I would say is he’s an adult, his friends doing it is an excuse not a reason. Doing it on the back of any excuse is not ok and doing it alone most definitely shows this is more of an issue than you thought. Driving while under the influence of anything is unexplainably selfish given it’s not just himself he’s putting at risk (if it’s something he even attempted to justify shows who he really is as a human). I would say it’s time for a serious conversation and if he can admit to having a problem going from there on how to solve it it’s maybe if you feel like you can something you can stick by him through, because at the end of the day an addiction is an illness, however if he’s not ready for getting help and/or making changes to deal with it then it’s really a case of a sad reality check where ultimately you will need to distance yourself (and especially your child) from him x

"Due to his friends"
Do you really believe that?
An adult is responsible for themselves and he's sinking himself and taking you and your child with him.
Get yourself legal advice and learn about drug addiction, because he's about to try every trick in the drug addiction handbook on you.

You are fooling yourself. He has a drug problem which, potentially, unless sorted out quickly, could become a money and a relationship barrier.

Stop pretending it will go away. Tell him IN A ULTIMATUM FORM that you expect to share long term parenthood (and a close relationship) with a mature adult/parent.

I was engaged to a bloke who got caught drink driving. I split up with him immediately.
When I met him I knew he liked a drink, ok, so do I. However, I caught him drinking in the morning and this made me see him in a different light - he was most definitely an alcoholic. So many things made sense once I realised. Tbh, I was relieved he got caught as it kinda took the decision away from me. Before he was caught, 'd seriously been considering staying with him, helping him cut down, blah blah blah.
The only person who can help an addict is the addict themselves.

OP, please walk away. You don't want to drag your precious baby into this awful life. You could never trust him and will always be wondering, 'has he?'
He most definitely will lose his licence, maybe even his job. If you hesitate for one minute and think of waiting to see how it all pans out, please don't. You and your precious baby are worth far more than him.

First time ever? First time ever driving whilst on drugs or first time ever he's been caught

Then this morning went back to the Reno house and did more

This is where his ‘infrequent use’ line falls down. No one who dabbles in it would be snouting it in the morning.

He’s been lying to you. A lot. You have a lot to think about. I think you need to get yourself and your baby away from him.