OH caught drug driving no idea what to do

[AW525]

We have a 6 month old baby, been together over 4 years, he has today been caught drug driving (first time ever). We are currently living with family members as we are renovating and are due to move in in 2 weeks time - our first family home. Turns out he bought some Cocaine last night, did some at the pub, then drove to where we are living, he didn't tell me any of this at the time. Then this morning went back to the Reno house and did more. Upon driving home he's been pulled over due to poor lights and been tested. He doesn't have a problem generally but he gets sucked in to this due to his friends. As far as I'm aware this is the first time he's done it since baby arrived as we had an argument about his infrequent use when I was pregnant. I'm hurt he did this, I'm hurt he tried hiding it, I'm hurt for my baby, I'm hurt for my family. I want him to leave and stay somewhere else but I'm on maternity leave we are due to move in I just feel so overwhelmed. I'm not sure my reason for this post, I just feel so gutted. X

@AgnesX please do not compare drug v alcohol addiction. They are separate addictions and it is unhelpful to generalise

Again a heartbreaking response. Utterly heartbreaking

Yes, addiction is a disease. One that you can choose to control or not. Unlike most diseases. He was doing drugs when you were pregnant. He'd doing them now - a lot. You are delusional if you think this is infrequent. Twice in 24 hours!!!! And not the first time - just the first time you knew.

I am not going to tell you to walk away. Nor will I tell you to stay. But get real - see the problem and decide what is best for you and your child.

Well said. I don’t know why it is acceptable to be so cruel about drug addicts when they are usually just trying to cope with difficulties.
I’m so sorry about your brother.

This made me cry. My brother has been a heroin addict for 29 long fucking years. He is not and never will be a loser. He is traumatised, self soothes with drugs and is not a loser. While ever there is hope and people show kindness to this devastating disease he is not a loser. Sorry but this choked me up

This bloke was driving around with drugs in his system. On the roads where you are driving. And your kids and your grandmother and other innocent people just going about their business on a Saturday morning.

I would rethink moving in to the house. Now's not the time to carry on as planned.

You don't have to end the relationship, but I think by going ahead with moving into the house will give him the message that it's fine and whatever he does he won't lose you. Stop blaming his friends and put the responsibility back on his shoulders.

Put the move on hold.

See if he is interested in stopping drugs. Maybe rehab, change of lifestyle, drug counselling if he's keen to change.

Maybe sell up instead if he's not ready to accept there's a problem.

A poster above suggested this will affect his car insurance. I can tell you that if he is convicted of this offence he is unlikely to get any driving insurance at all for a very long time. Insurers will just walk away. And if he then drives without insurance he'll be in even more trouble.

Absolutely! But the use of phrase ‘druggy loser’ was not in. Not all drive, not all have cars, not all have had lovely upbringings. Many have suffered abuse and are traumatised. Don’t get me wrong I have had to have no contact with my drug using brother to protect my family, his family and my children. Just the term loser

OH caught drug driving no idea what to do

Have relationships with normal people who don't do drugs.

LTB. TBH, I don't really care about a bit of recreational drug taking. However, taking drugs and driving is unforgivable.

You knew you were in a relationship with a cokehead and chose to have a baby with one, but still you have my sympathy that the reality of living with a drug user has now hit home and hard.

As many have said you need to stop minimising and have zero tolerance.

He is a grown man, old enough to make grown up decisions which include the friends he chooses vs his wife and baby. Even my 19 year old son managed to make the decision to change his friendship group when drugs became a feature.

He needs to know he needs to make a choice now. Dump the cokehead friends or lose his family.

He doesn't have a problem generally but he gets sucked in to this due to his friends

But he does have a problem generally, because you admit he's done it before and it's caused problems when you were pregnant.

You do realise that the wives and girlfriends of these friends all think the same thing as you, don't you? That their partner gets 'sucked in' by your partner being a bad influence?

Maybe, but the decision to use in the first place is just fucking weak and stupid.

@Pickandmixmood plenty of us have to deal with difficulties. We don't all do it with drugs. The choice to do so is exactly that, a choice.

It's the first time he got caught, that's all. Protect your child from their cokehead father.

Eh? There are endless campaigns teaching people NOT to take drugs because: (1) They can mess you up (2) you contribute to a trade that kills thousands every year (3) you contribute to gangs that kill each other but worse kill many innocent bystanders including kids every year in this country (4) you may well end up robbing from everyone you know and thousands of innocent bystanders to get your daily fix.

But yeah bless the poor darlings they're just trying to cope with difficulties and all the victims of their crimes.

Bloody hell, give the woman a break! Yes, he's clearly got a massive coke problem, drove whilst under the influence (unforgivable!). But why all the harsh comments towards the OP. I think she needs some practical advice ,not berating ffs.

The only practical advice that's worth giving is to leave him. OP almost certainly won't do that.

Well, that's entirely up to her isn't it. But at the minute her world has turned to shit, she has a small baby ,in the middle of a renovation and her fella getting done for Drug driving. She needs some kind of focus on how to move forward.

There’s a mix of responses here.

I will add mine, and hope I don’t offend anyone with addiction in their families/lives, as I really don’t mean to.

I had an ex, OP, who was not an addict at first, but was a cocaine user. It started similar to how you say, it was his ‘friends’ who influenced him. And I believed that for a long time.

There was no trauma or anything like that, he just used drugs on weekends with his friends, and it progressed and progressed until he was doing cocaine on Tuesday afternoons and had lost all perspective, would tell me that everyone did drugs and it was just me and my friends who didn’t and we were the weird ones. There was a lot of gas lighting and horrible things and it almost broke me, it’s only all these years later that I can see how badly I was lied to and how much I blindly believed and put up with because of that belief. Honestly, he was an absolutely terrible person who did terrible things to me (emotionally not physically), and that started before it was an addiction. At first for him, it absolutely was a choice and the choices that followed were awful. At some point it did turn into an addition, though he’d never admit that and I’m sure to this day ten years later he never has.

I am so sorry that you’re having to deal with this with a 6 month old baby in the mix. I hope that this is a wake up call for him and he stops it all right now before he loses you both, but I think you really need to make some hard choices right now, and not believe anything he says. You know him better than anyone on the internet, I think you’ll deep down know if this is a recurring problem.

Take some time for yourself, reflect on what you want your future to be, and try to remember that no matter how much you love him, you have to think of your baby now.

“Yes, addiction is a disease. One that you can choose to control or not”.

I don’t think you understand addiction @EmmaMaria.

It sounds like he’s a bit past that now if I’m honest. But that’s just one opinion.

You’re deluded if you think he doesn’t have a problem generally. It’s ridiculous to blame his friends for his choices, particularly the choice to get up and drive somewhere to take more drugs. I’m really sorry about your situation, though. He’s a selfish, irresponsible liar.

You need to leave if you don't want to live with a drug addict, because it won't have been the first time he has done it since you had your conversation and it won't be the last.

Stop trying to say this is about anyone else but him.
His friends did not wake him from his sleep and tell him to go to a house they were not in to take drugs by himself.
He planned that and it probably wasn't the first time either.

He is choosing to hang out with people who take drugs because he is taking drugs himself.
They aren't doing it to him, he is doing it himself and is the only one responsible for what he is doing.

He is a drug addict.
He will lie about it from now until the end of time.

This 👆👆 sorry you went through this @msrachel X