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Original poster

Really struggling with 50/50 custody, losing my baby

271 replies

MissingMama · 20/11/2024 18:28

I split with stbxh at the start of the year. We have been sharing custody 50/50 of our kids, 5 and 1. It’s generally working ok, the kids do seem to of adjusted. It’s better with the 5 year old, he understands more and can vocalise how he feels. He still seems very close to me. It’s not ideal, but it’s ok.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the bond with him that I did, or that she has. I feel like I’m losing my baby.

This isn’t what I’d have chosen for them, I just feel heartbroken. I’ve asked my ex about more custody in my favour and he said he’d got to court if I tried that. I just feel so sad. What can I do?

OP posts:
OneBlackHeart · 20/11/2024 18:31

Can you tweak your working hours? So work longer days when you don't have the kids so you get more time with them on your days?

12 hours in a week is not much. Maybe reconsider weekend contact. On a week with less week days you have a full weekend then on a week with more weekdays ex has the weekend

adviceneeded1990 · 20/11/2024 18:35

OneBlackHeart · 20/11/2024 18:31

Can you tweak your working hours? So work longer days when you don't have the kids so you get more time with them on your days?

12 hours in a week is not much. Maybe reconsider weekend contact. On a week with less week days you have a full weekend then on a week with more weekdays ex has the weekend

This is what my DH does to facilitate 50/50 for my DSD - two really long days, two short days and a “normal” day. Works well for us though I understand not all jobs will be as flexible.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 20/11/2024 18:36

In this situation I'd look to move my work hours around to get more time with the kids.

Can you work more hours when kids are with their dad so less when they're with you?

Can you reduce your hours overall?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds 5 year olds Families
OchAyeTheN00 · 20/11/2024 19:07

I agree. 50/50 doesn’t have to be the exact same week on week. I’d also try and change working hours if possible.

Sweetnessandlies · 20/11/2024 19:08

I have 50/50. Works great. My job is flexible though and I work when I don't have the children.

Whatamitodonow · 20/11/2024 19:12

How does your 50:50 work? Does he have every weekend?

if you both work full time you need to split the working days and weekends, or one of you change your hours.

if you only have m-f which it sound like if you’re only spending 12 hours a week with them, let him take you to court. You would likely get a fairer time split over weekends and weekdays.

H0mEredward · 20/11/2024 19:36

Asked?! Asked about having your infant with you more?!
Don't ask, demand. Your baby is under one. It's not beneficial for your infant to be away from you for long periods of time.
If he wants to take you to court, leave him to it. 50/50 is not beneficial for a baby and can be extremely distressing on them to be away from you; their home.
No overnights, only an hour or so during the week and a bit more during the weekend, every other weekend.
If dad wants more than this, he can spend time with you and your baby.

sprigatito · 20/11/2024 19:38

Your baby is far too young for 50/50. I would stop sending him and let your ex go through the courts for contact.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 20/11/2024 19:39

@H0mEredward her baby is nearly 2, not under 1.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/11/2024 19:39

H0mEredward · 20/11/2024 19:36

Asked?! Asked about having your infant with you more?!
Don't ask, demand. Your baby is under one. It's not beneficial for your infant to be away from you for long periods of time.
If he wants to take you to court, leave him to it. 50/50 is not beneficial for a baby and can be extremely distressing on them to be away from you; their home.
No overnights, only an hour or so during the week and a bit more during the weekend, every other weekend.
If dad wants more than this, he can spend time with you and your baby.

They are very nearly 2. Not under 1.

5475878237NC · 20/11/2024 19:39

Sweetnessandlies · 20/11/2024 19:08

I have 50/50. Works great. My job is flexible though and I work when I don't have the children.

In what was is this useful advice? Did you have to leave your baby this much? I just don't get how this is supposed to help the OP.

Other than reducing hours or shifting start and finish hours I'm not sure what to suggest if your husband won't compromise and wants 50/50. I'm so sorry. It must feel really painful. And so far away from what you imagined when you had your babies.

H0mEredward · 20/11/2024 19:41

"He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften"

Biologically speaking your baby is rejecting you like you are them. They have no understanding on why you leave them so often and it's incredibly damaging for their health and attachment.

Babies are only just learning that when they close their eyes/people hide behind walls and hands, they are coming back.

Needs must: if there was absolutely no financial way of doing things then you have to continue but there almost always is another way.

You both need each other.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/11/2024 19:42

H0mEredward · 20/11/2024 19:41

"He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften"

Biologically speaking your baby is rejecting you like you are them. They have no understanding on why you leave them so often and it's incredibly damaging for their health and attachment.

Babies are only just learning that when they close their eyes/people hide behind walls and hands, they are coming back.

Needs must: if there was absolutely no financial way of doing things then you have to continue but there almost always is another way.

You both need each other.

He is almost 2.

HappyHedgehog247 · 20/11/2024 19:44

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I would change my job, or even consider going on benefits, in the short term. You don't have to do what your Ex says. Court is not all bad.

DisappearingGirl · 20/11/2024 19:45

Can you appeal to your ex's better nature? Maybe say how he's a good dad etc and it's great that he wants them 50-50. But say what you've said here, that you're worried about a very young child's bond with mum.

I'll get slated for this but you could suggest that you wouldn't be asking him to pay maintenance as long as he's happy to share costs etc 50-50, seeing as he does actually want them 50%. Also that you could move back towards 50-50 as little one gets towards school, which will only be a couple of years.

Obviously this suggestion is no good if he doesn't possess a better nature ...

Comedycook · 20/11/2024 19:47

This is so sad...if I were you I'd get some legal advice op and find out what would happen if he took you to court. I agree with pp, your youngest is too young for 50/50.

gamerchick · 20/11/2024 19:48

Let him take you to court. He's too young for 50/50 and it's not even 50/50 though is it? It's split between 3 caregivers.

DisappearingGirl · 20/11/2024 19:49

However, if you can't change your hours and your ex won't budge, then I think I'd just try not to worry about it too much, as long as you think your ex is caring for them well. At nearly 2 it's a lot different to a little baby.

In this case he's in three settings where he is well loved - mum, dad and childminder. And he has a predictable routine in all three settings. You won't be the first parent whose kid cries at leaving childminder/nursery. They are paid to do fun things with them all day! Flowers

SD1978 · 20/11/2024 19:55

It sounds like your 50/50 is he gets every weekend? I would absolutely take that back to court, and insists on a fair weekend split. You are doing all the weekday stuff, no time with the kids, and he gets all the fun time, and actually more time. I don't believe that's fair for any parent. Week on, week off May be too long, but there are multiple ways to make up a 50/50 agreement that benefits both parents spending quality time with their kids, currently, you spend the least amount of time, even the child minder has more 'custody' than you do.....

Rumblytumblytea · 20/11/2024 19:58

Just wanted to send lots of love OP as I think it sounds like a tough situation. Please know in the future things will be better and you’ll look back and think ‘I got through this’

Startinganew32 · 20/11/2024 19:58

He isn’t a baby if he’s nearly two. And the father has equal “rights” to him if you like - there’s no presumption that kids are better off with their mum in our legal system so you really wouldn’t necessarily get anything different if you went to court. Stopping an established contact regime and letting him take you to court would look bad for you. The courts are also hideously overstretched.
What exactly is your arrangement? Ideally you should each get the same quality of time so every other weekend plus half of the weekday. Lots of changeovers isn’t great as it’s unsettling.
I’d look into compressed hours and more flexible working and making sure you spend quality time with them.

Victoriasponge12 · 20/11/2024 19:58

What pattern do you and your ex have, is it fair on you both? Ie do you both have the same amount of weekends / weekdays?

Assuming that it is then absolutely change your working hours, and if your current company won’t allow it then consider changing jobs in the longer term. You want to be working longer days on the days that you don’t have the children and shorter days on the days that you do. See if you can get a day off on the week that you have your DC am that you can not use a childminder for one day. I used to work a 9 day fortnight so that I worked much longer on two days that my DC was at their dads house and then had a whole day off in the week when I had DC. I did work slightly part time hours also.

YouZirName · 20/11/2024 19:59

H0mEredward · 20/11/2024 19:36

Asked?! Asked about having your infant with you more?!
Don't ask, demand. Your baby is under one. It's not beneficial for your infant to be away from you for long periods of time.
If he wants to take you to court, leave him to it. 50/50 is not beneficial for a baby and can be extremely distressing on them to be away from you; their home.
No overnights, only an hour or so during the week and a bit more during the weekend, every other weekend.
If dad wants more than this, he can spend time with you and your baby.

His child too.

Comment alike this are why I hope he demands and gets 50/50. The child is almost 2, no need to be denied a relationship with his father as he can do everything the mother can.

Tiswa · 20/11/2024 20:01

So go to court? Because if you are not getting weekends it isn’t 50/50 is it?

BrendaSmall · 20/11/2024 20:03

So it’s only the youngest child you miss, not the older one??

At least he’s trying to have a relationship with his children, unlike some other dads !!