Really struggling with 50/50 custody, losing my baby

[MissingMama]

I split with stbxh at the start of the year. We have been sharing custody 50/50 of our kids, 5 and 1. It’s generally working ok, the kids do seem to of adjusted. It’s better with the 5 year old, he understands more and can vocalise how he feels. He still seems very close to me. It’s not ideal, but it’s ok.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the bond with him that I did, or that she has. I feel like I’m losing my baby.

This isn’t what I’d have chosen for them, I just feel heartbroken. I’ve asked my ex about more custody in my favour and he said he’d got to court if I tried that. I just feel so sad. What can I do?

Yes and from attachment theory, we know small children of that age can form multiple, healthy attachments including with paid childcare workers whom they see a lot less than 50/50.

OP, I think you need to consider how is the split and is it fair? You should be able to have non working time with your children.

50/50 does not automatically mean alternating weeks. It just means that ultimately each parent has the children 50% of the time. That can be switching every 2-3 days, or on a rotating schedule with certain days of the week, or every other week, or every other week with a visit in the middle…

OP has not given any information on their actual schedule, though that would be very helpful information.

It’s not do with nurturing as such. But more to do with nature. This is a really blunt way of putting it, but I feel a child needs its Mums more than its Dad. They carry the child, the bond and attachment is different.
Theres a reason Dads abandon their parenting duties more frequently than Mums.

Exactly. I don’t agree one week on one week off is good at this age either - it’s too long. I do think 3 days on 4 days off is fine though and not damaging to either child. So it depends on the set up.

But this dad hasn’t abandoned his parenting duties.

My children need their dad just as much as they need me.

Thankfully society has moved on a little from that view. And clearly this dad is not abandoning his parenting duty.

Can’t you change your work hours or type of work? Healthcare enables 12-14 hour shifts. You could work the days you don’t have them? It’s what most single parents do in healthcare I know and seems to work well

Sorry but I disagree.

You can get universal credit and don't have to look for work until your baby is 3. Even the state recognised the bond between baby and primary caregiver. I would also take back control a little. Early years health visitors if they're good can be very helpful if you need someone to let the dad know in a non pressured way that your baby needs to be with you more. 2year old check might be coming up?

General rule is that your relationship with your baby, if possible, shouldn't revolve around loss. If you can up your time with your baby, do it. You won't regret it.

Yes society has
Biology hasn't

Okay that’s fine

My kids are adults now, but it used to be believed that carrying a child for 9 months and breastfeeding counted for something. It also was believed that small children benefited from having a primary caregiver and main home to feel more secure.
Just because 50:50 is the current new fad, it doesn't mean it is best for small children or that it will still be fashionable in 20 years time.

You can feel whatever you like. There is no evidence to back it up.

This is about the children and their right to have a fulfilling, loving relationship with both parents. In this case, they are fortunate enough to have both parents who want to be with their children. The contact schedule must be what’s best for the children. I don’t know whether this specific one is or is not. I do know the “children must be with their mums” stuff is utter tosh, unless they are babies or young toddlers.

I do know the “children must be with their mums” stuff is utter tosh, unless they are young

Under 2 is young.

biology dictates which parent carries the child, not which parent is able to meet their emotional and other needs once the child is born. Many children are raised entirely by dads either in a same sex relationship or a single parent. You don’t need to have a vagina to be a good caregiver.

There's no evidence to back up that a baby/toddler needs a primary caregiver? 🤔

You can’t move on from it. It’s a combination of biology, nature and evolution.
It’s not black and white obviously. But young children need their Mothers more. Clearly they benefit from both, and there are many situations where it’s preferable for a child to be with their Father but on the whole I stand by what I said.

No, no evidence that it must be a female caregiver

Why does the primary caregiver need to be the mother? Attachment theory is clear that children can form healthy attachments with multiple caregivers and it is not harmful.

I just have to agree that for young children a primary relationship and base is better. A secure base and usually one person who you see everyday etc

Er... Ok, sure 👍🏻

You don’t have any evidence that children need their mothers more. The evidence shows children need loving, involved caregivers and that they can - and do - form multiple healthy attachments and that this is positive, not harmful.

What are the many situations where it’s preferable to be with the father? Seriously, both parents can be equally capable of looking after and meeting their children’s needs.

There is evidence. Millions of years worth.

Also, it is about a young toddler. The child is under 2.

Right so where is the evidence that the primary caregiver beyond breastfeeding age should be a female?