Really struggling with 50/50 custody, losing my baby

[MissingMama]

I split with stbxh at the start of the year. We have been sharing custody 50/50 of our kids, 5 and 1. It’s generally working ok, the kids do seem to of adjusted. It’s better with the 5 year old, he understands more and can vocalise how he feels. He still seems very close to me. It’s not ideal, but it’s ok.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the bond with him that I did, or that she has. I feel like I’m losing my baby.

This isn’t what I’d have chosen for them, I just feel heartbroken. I’ve asked my ex about more custody in my favour and he said he’d got to court if I tried that. I just feel so sad. What can I do?

Do you share a bed at all? I've co slept with all mine when they were young at night and admittedly created a rod for my own back, but nighttime cuddles may help rebuild your bond if nothing else can be changed x

If she went to court the court would likely order a report by Cafcass, an independent social work service. They have limited resources especially for cases where there are no allegations of harm. You’d speak to the staff once or maybe twice and they’d observe you with the kids. The kids are far too young to give a view. Generally if an arrangement is working for the kids (and they wouldn’t class crying at pickup as it not working) they don’t see a need to change it. Shared care is very common these days.

You would need to go to a mediation appointment before going to court. Court is expensive if you get legal representation and generally quite soul destroying.

If you’re currently doing all weekdays and he only does weekends I would ask for a change so that you can spend quality time with them too. So every other weekend. You can offer him the other weekdays to make up for it.

At two the courts will almost certainly award 50/50, especially given this is the arrangement which has been in place for almost a year already.

We’re not talking about a baby where contact needs to be built up to overnights. Plus he’s already been spending half his nights with his father, and the child has the right to an equal relationship with both parents.

Tbh this is the part of divorce which people tend to steer away from talking about, and is also the reason why a lot of people don’t split from their partners, because they don’t want to give up residency of their kids.

Yes exactly. All the comments against 50/50 are based on an assumption that it’s only the mum who’s a real parent.

My brother’s ex pulled this sort of shit when he went for 50/50 and said all kids need their mummy etc. He’s an excellent parent and does all of the mental load stuff like haircuts, homework, school applications, clubs, hobbies, reading, GP appointments, you name it. She does absolutely fuck all - no homework, won’t take them to activities, has never taken them to dentist or hairdresser ever. Her excuse is that homework gets in the way of having fun. Apparently after school clubs do too so they fall behind as they can only attend every other week. He’s a far better parent than she is but from her mummy-blog you wouldn’t know it. Not all dads are shit.

I’m so sorry OP that sounds really hard.

I may have missed it but how is the 50/50 split? If it's a week each that might be where the problem is. 2yos can be very funny with their moods and of course you have to work but could you consider 3on 4off, 4on 3off so the time apart is shorter?

All the "his child too" comments miss the point IMO. It's not about who is entitled to have the child, it's about what is best for the child's emotional wellbeing. A very young child needs a primary caregiver and a stable home. 50/50 is inappropriate for a baby/toddler, and arguably not ideal for the 5yo either. A decent dad who prioritised his children's welfare would not insist on his rights at the expense of their emotional health.

Nearly two is still a baby. It’s not about parents ‘rights’ it’s about the child’s best interests - and yes there is a presumption of shared parenting but it doesn’t sound like the baby is getting much time at all with his mother and that sounds distressing for him.

perhaps an idea is to see a family mediator who might be able to help you find an arrangement that better suits your children’s needs? That would be less combative than going to court and if you pick an experienced family mediator they will perhaps be able to suggest some solutions you both haven’t thought about or suggest how others tend to work it, given the ages of the children,

For what it’s worth I can’t bear the idea of a night away from my much older kids, let alone at that age, I would have found it agony and so would my children but I was very much primary carer at that point, having done all the feeds and night waking etc - did you split this with your ex before or was your baby used to you being their go to for their day to day needs ?

Does he get them every weekend? That isn’t 50/50. If it’s not working for you then change it to suit you and let him take you to court- is it likely that he’d get more than 50/50 anyway? If not then there’s not much to lose.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

I have been a childcare professional for over 40yrs, the last 25 as a childminder. I can absolutely assure you that your baby does not have a closer bond with your childminder than with you. It rarely, if ever, happens.

It just feels like it because you are tired, working, parenting, stressed and probably in a rush. But once you are home and chilling he will not be looking for his childminder. Nor will he have any confusion about who his parent is. Rest assured that, in an ideal world, if you did nothing but play with him all day and meet his every need you wouldn't feel like this.

But why does the primary care giver have to be mum? The op admits that the children are adjusted well to the 50/50 , its the op who's finding it tough.

So should dad ask for extra time and take mum to court so he can be primary care giver?

I agree with people who say weekends should be split so you both get quality weekend time.

Why can’t the dad be an equal care giver? Are you saying that generally being with their dad 50/50 is not good for young children? Because in many countries that is absolutely the norm and many of them don’t have the social problems we do here. And you’re basing this solely on the fact that he is male I presume?

Also OP says the children have adjusted and there is no suggestion that they are suffering - the OP is the one struggling. Imagine if the dad took the OP’s line and said they should be with him all the time because they need a stable home and not be moving back and forth? He’d be called all sorts.

How is the 50:50 split and what are you work hours?

This would break my heart too OP but sadly your ex sounds cruel and as though he has no interest in helping you out to navigate this

Sending hugs, OP. It sounds upsetting and stressful.

You need to decide whether this arrangement is in the best interests of your children. I have a lot of experience of the family courts in my professional role. I would say it is very unusual for such young children to have a 50:50 arrangement. It’s a lot of upheaval for them and can impact upon attachments.

Could you raise a different arrangement with your ex? Perhaps he has every other weekend plus 1 night in the week? Ultimately, if you can’t agree, the court will have to decide. It’s not always a bad thing to have some professional input.

It all depends on if weekends are split which is kind of sounds as if it isn’t - if the ex is demanding weekends because they work that isn’t fair

I just wanted to reassure you about the rejection when you've not had them for a few days. My two did this when they were younger. I worked 3 12hr shifts in a row (either days or nights) and when on days I wouldn't see them in the morning or before bed. They were wary of me when I then had days off and I remember how awful it was but it doesn't feel to have impacted our bond or their emotional wellbeing.

Would it be worth looking at jobs where you might be able to compress your hours? I can't see a court doing anything except ordering 50/50 and it might be worse in that it could even be more rigid than what you have now. It happened to a colleague of mine.

Please don’t refer to working mothers as rejecting their babies. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Or OP could have them every other weekend and once during the week.

This. Might be worth going to court

sometimes I see your replies to people and wonder if you are SouthLondonDad22

The vast majority of primary carers of very young children are mothers. It's fatuous to pretend otherwise. Many children are still breastfeeding at OP's son's age. 50/50 at these young ages isn't about what's best for the child, and banging on about how unfair it is to men just proves the point further.

There isn’t actually anything in the OP’s one post that says he has every weekend. It just says 50/50.

50:50 is best for the child long term.

What is the 50/50 schedule? Do you and your ex have equal weekends with your DC?