Really struggling with 50/50 custody, losing my baby

[MissingMama]

I split with stbxh at the start of the year. We have been sharing custody 50/50 of our kids, 5 and 1. It’s generally working ok, the kids do seem to of adjusted. It’s better with the 5 year old, he understands more and can vocalise how he feels. He still seems very close to me. It’s not ideal, but it’s ok.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the bond with him that I did, or that she has. I feel like I’m losing my baby.

This isn’t what I’d have chosen for them, I just feel heartbroken. I’ve asked my ex about more custody in my favour and he said he’d got to court if I tried that. I just feel so sad. What can I do?

@Whatamitodonow My bond with my kids hasn’t been damaged by not being the “main” parent, so I disagree.

This is nothing to do with you. Op has said her bond is suffering with her child because of this .
As a woman you think this is a good set up ? The world has gone mad.

It’s so interesting because this is the norm on Mumsnet - that any man who has or wants 50/50 is a wanker who is doing it to avoid paying child support and is depriving poor bubba of time with Mumma and generally is a shit parent.

BUT if you go to the step parent boards you regularly get people telling stepmums that their DH/DP is a piece of shit parent if he DOESNT have the kids 50/50 and how they’d be absolutely insane to contemplate being with him as he abandoned his kids.

So I’m not clear what people think. All I know is that generally shared care allows kids to have a strong relationship with both parents post separation and that is why courts like it. But I think those who are against it don’t see it as a big loss if kids lost their relationship with their dad because bubba only needs mumma.

no her bond is apparently suffering because the child is in childcare very long hours. I don’t think it is suffering in reality but even it if was that could be due to the childcare arrangement.

Do you both get equal weekends?

The child is about to turn 2. This isn’t a tiny baby. You can’t expect the other parent to give up with time just because you want more. Why would they do that? Usually, women are fighting for their exes to see the children more. Your kids have a dad who wants to be fully involved and do equal parenting. That’s invaluable. You have to sort your own time out so you can spend time with your kids during you contact with them.

You could level that at either side though.

Her baby is almost 2 and is equally the child of her expartner.

why should the child lose out with her father because the op is at work?

and what about the 5 yr old - do you suggest she gets ripped from her dad as well or separated from their sibling.

OP this sounds so hard. Have you sought legal advice? May be best to get a view (even if through CAB) about where you stand and whether you have a legal case for more contact.

Those saying two isn't young - it is. It must be so hard on both Mum and toddler.

Do want to add for perspective, that my 23-month old also never wants me to pick her up from nursery. Regularly cries/ pushes me/tries to get back inside. Please, OP, don't think it's all down to the reduced contact. That Mother/Child bond is something unique that cannot be replicated.

What has being a woman got to do with it?

If someone is going to have a child with someone then maybe thry should think first how would they be if they have 50/50?

Why is the mum the default parent automatically? And I believe the child in op is nearly 2?

Her bond may be 'suffering' but if someone has a child with someone this is what can happen

Mothers don't have the right to just demand what they want and it magically happens, and yes I am female before any weird labels get used

Children have the right to seeing both parents, if you can't handle this don't have a child with them

@MissingMama can I ask what’s your arrangement re the 50/50?

To put things into perspective, if you were still with your ex, you wouldn’t see your dc that much more than you are now.
As soon as you work full time and do the drop off/pick up early/late, there is very
ittie time left both in the am and the evening to spend time together. And if you had been splitting stuff 50/50 with your ex doing bedtime, the difference in time spent with him would be quite similar.
So I’d try and ensure you are spending the weekend really focused on the dcs. If possible, I’d try and spend some time 1-1 with your youngest. Maybe whilst older dc is doing an activity like swimming?

Compressed hours etc… can be another solution but it really depends on what your organisation for the 50/50.

So hard for you. Would your ex be a bit flexible and let you have less time? Otherwise flexi working etc. This is a phase. Feel for you

If your 50:50 split only leaves you with workdays, then it’s not a fair split.

Oh don’t be silly. She’ll never get that in court and that baby is nearly two.

Or it’s linked with the way the 59/50 is set up.
Like are all the WE with dad only? So the OP is left with the day to day hard work, hardly see the dcs and dad is doing all the fun stuff.
Are they set days or ‘floating’ depending on what’s working best with the dad?
Is tte child going to the same childminder all week? Or are there different set up with mum and with dad?

Let's be honest, 12 hours in the working week is about what working parents get. So weekends make a big difference.

Another question here is also, did the separation happen just about at the end of her ML?
Because the OP might well be struggling with the ‘Going back to work’ plus 50/50 split with dad combo all at the same time. Which will be harder to deal with.

OP your baby cries when you arrive to pick him up because he is overwhelmed with emotion. He doesn’t have a stronger bond with the child minder. He’s spent all day without you, getting on with his life, making the best of it (subconsciously). Then you appear, and it’s all just too much for him, so he cries. You (and his Dad I assume, if he was an involved Dad before the 50/50 thing) are his world. No one can replace that.

This makes me so angry. How dare the courts force you to be apart from your very young children half of the time. I'm sorry but children need to be with their mothers. If I were in your situation I'd get legal advice about getting the court order changed at least until the children are older as they need you so much right now.

She hasn’t even been to court 🙄 and thankfully our legal system does not believe that “children need to be with their mothers” (to the exclusion of their fathers) and haven’t since the 1970s or so. So she’d be wasting her time and money on legal advice.

I always find these conversations strange. All of the ‘Dads have right too’. Yes they do, but from a biological point of view I would absolutely argue that young children need their Mums more. I don’t agree with 50/50 with children under 7. I think it’s in their best interests to have a home, and that be with their Mum (assuming both parents are decent people/parents). That does not mean they don’t have a relationship with Dad.

But why though if the child is not being breastfed? What is it that the dad can’t offer them that the mum can? Is it some bull about women being more naturally nurturing or something?

People on this thread should read about attachment theory. Children are still developing their attachment until 18-24 months.

This doesn't sound right- do you do week in week off or what? As if DH ie getting all the weekend and you only get days when you are working then that is absolutely not OK and you need to renegotiate.
Does dc go to a childminder when he has them on his days/week?
I do think him having both kids 50/50 is ultimately a good thing but he doesn't get to pick and choose the days to suit his working pattern while using you as childcare when it's not convenient.

I do think 50/50 for a child this young is less than ideal. Is this what courts default to even for such young children still forming key bonds?? If possible a much more frequent exchange would be better. A week is a very long time for a 22 month old

It’s not default- there is no technical default as it depends on what is best for the individual child. But it’s recognised that children generally benefit from a full and positive relationship with both parents where they play an equal and active role in their life. Very often that will be 50/50. In a lot of cases for various reasons though, it’s less than 50/50.

Does that mean parents shouldn’t work and put their kids in childcare? The child will have bonds with both its mother and father.

I can see that. Having grown up with divorced parents from age of two and as a single parent now not keen on it for young children. But maybe that is just me.

The child is very nearly 2. Not a small baby. It’s also beneficial for children to develop an attachment to both of their parents, not just the mother.