Really struggling with 50/50 custody, losing my baby

[MissingMama]

I split with stbxh at the start of the year. We have been sharing custody 50/50 of our kids, 5 and 1. It’s generally working ok, the kids do seem to of adjusted. It’s better with the 5 year old, he understands more and can vocalise how he feels. He still seems very close to me. It’s not ideal, but it’s ok.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the bond with him that I did, or that she has. I feel like I’m losing my baby.

This isn’t what I’d have chosen for them, I just feel heartbroken. I’ve asked my ex about more custody in my favour and he said he’d got to court if I tried that. I just feel so sad. What can I do?

I think it's good for children to have a relationship with both parents but at such a young age the mum should be there in the background whilst the baby is forming a bond with the dad. She is not, she is in a different house somewhere else

What evidence? Has none of it been published?

If the Mother is a drug addict for example

If the court decides that the primary parent is the father, then the OP is in an even worse position. This isn’t helpful for her. She needs to look at the contact pattern and ensure the children get equal mummy time.

It's funny you think you can lecture me when I was raised by my dad after my mother died.

Where?! Can you even say what it’s called? I’m talking about attachment theory. What are you even referring to?!

Okay so only best to be with dad if mum is an addict or an abuser or a criminal? Otherwise mum is default better parent due to having xx chromosome?

We are talking about an under two year old. So breastfeeding age.

Not female caregiver, Mother.
Thats not to say children can’t thrive with other caregivers.

Do you think newborn babies have a need to be with their mother? What about the animal kingdom? Do you not agree that mother's and babies have a unique bond?

Let me guess? You’re basing this on your own personal experience?

Who carried the child and possibly breastfed for a period of time as a baby is irrelevant when the child is now a 2 year old.

It isn't a fad, it's here to stay.

Correct. Both things can be true.

Of course!

Newborn babies are a different kettle of fish. Under 1s are too. Breastfeeding or not, I agree they need to be with the woman who birthed them. This child is almost 2.

You said primary caregiver in the post I replied to. And even with a 50/50 arrangement, she and the dad are both equal primary caregivers.

Hell go to court and at least try

Biology

They will be 2 in 2 months, come on now. The vast majority of 2 year olds are not breastfed.

You’re still not showing me any evidence of why an almost 2 year old needs their mum more than their dad. That child has a right to a relationship with both parents.

I'm saying that mother's and their children have a unique bond. If you think they don't then you must agree dad's and children also don't have a bond. In which case, we may as well have robots bringing up children.

A child under two will not have the ability to understand 50/50 custody. It is an extremely confusing situation and they need a primary caregiver for their attachment.

You should really stop belittling motherhood

That’s not an answer. 😂 What sort of biology says a 22 month old can only live with their mother? What about the number of babies who spend 10 + hours a day in childcare? They are managing to grow up into successful adults.

So at what point does the unique bond no longer exist?

Children don’t need one attachment. They can - and should - have multiple attachments. It is healthy and positive. Motherhood is unique and valid and extremely important. Attachment theory is being misquoted on here.

I'm saying that mother's and their children have a unique bond. If you think they don't then you must agree dad's and children also don't have a bond. In which case, we may as well have robots bringing up children.

This is absolutely nonsensical.

When a child is walking, talking and weaned? They’re not a baby. Their needs can be met by someone who has not birthed them and breastfed them.