Really struggling with 50/50 custody, losing my baby

[MissingMama]

I split with stbxh at the start of the year. We have been sharing custody 50/50 of our kids, 5 and 1. It’s generally working ok, the kids do seem to of adjusted. It’s better with the 5 year old, he understands more and can vocalise how he feels. He still seems very close to me. It’s not ideal, but it’s ok.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the bond with him that I did, or that she has. I feel like I’m losing my baby.

This isn’t what I’d have chosen for them, I just feel heartbroken. I’ve asked my ex about more custody in my favour and he said he’d got to court if I tried that. I just feel so sad. What can I do?

But the 50/50 has already been happening. So it isnt like the children will suddenly go from being with mum the majority of the time , to suddenly not being...the 50/50 is already in place and the op admits the kids have adjusted to it well.

So why should the op now become primary carer just because she is the mum? If you are saying they need a primary carer, why not be dad since he is already looking after them as much as mum?

Then they will call them Disney dads. They cannot win!

It’s not that unusual. Also the arrangement has been in place for a year and seems to be working - it’s the OP who’s struggling.

EDIT: Apologies this was in response to the first person who quoted me. Not sure why it didn’t quote!

I’m not sure what the point of this post is or any of the others arguing about why the mother has to be the default parent.

It’s the OP here asking for advice, not the children’s father. How is it at all helpful for posters to respond in a way that doesn’t assist the OP but advocates for her ex partner? Whilst a debate / playing devils advocate might be interesting for you, how does it help the OP who is hear in a time of challenge and is seeking support?

OP, I hope this thread isn’t derailed. You sound like a lovely mum in a very stressful situation. As I said before, it is (in my experience) rare for there to be 50:50 split for such young children and there is a reason for that. I hope you and your ex are able to work out an arrangement that you are all comfortable with.

How is the contact shared out?

Surely ex works and has the same contact as you do?

What job do you do?

Some roles eg in the NHS you can do long 12 hour shifts but have more days off.
Could this be an option for you?

What about retraining as a childminder?

What’s your experience exactly? Because it’s very common to have shared care arrangements. And if you knew anything about the law you’d know that one principle is that the court will maintain the status quo unless it can be shown that to do so would not be in the child’s best interests. The parent not liking the arrangement is not good grounds to change it if the children are settled.

I work in the family courts. It is unusual for a 50:50 shared care arrangement for very young children.

In what capacity? Are you a judge or a CAFCASS officer? Because you could work in the family courts as a clerk or admin assistant and that wouldn’t qualify you to offer legal advice.

Laying here feeding my 18 month old.
my heart breaks for you. I’m sorry but this can’t be good for you or the baby. This doesn’t work ! You baba needs mummy .

And are you saying that in your experience, courts frequently reduce contact to one parent where there is an established 50/50 pattern in place that works well? Because that is not the case.

I’m not going to reply to you again as I don’t need to justify my experience to you and this isn’t assisting OP. All I’ll say is that I am very much qualified to offer this advice, and have extensive experience.

Good luck OP.

Or women are different with different opinions. Having a different opinion from you doesn’t automatically make me a man. 🙄

The current arrangement isn't working well, for the mother or the baby. Healthy attachment in infants isn't compatible with 50/50 custody. And the man being happy doesn't mean the arrangement is working.

Baba doesn’t need daddy then?

and we wonder why men aren’t stepping up for their children. When they do they’re “cruel” taking children away from mum.

we need more dads to be stepping up to 50:50, not taking them to court to stop that.

children need both parents. If this arrangement is working for the children which it appears to be, then it would be selfish of /p to stop the children seeing their dad to make herself feel better.

I worked shifts when mine were babies. They often went 3 or 4 days barely seeing me. They were fine with their dad. In fact he became a sahd when they were in primary school while I worked and they don’t seem to have been harmed by having their father parent them equally.

A 2 year old isn’t an infant.

He gets upset sometimes at pickup, it’s completely normal and can happen with some children with parents who are still together.

It’s clearly OP who is struggling with it.

No you’re not because the advice is wrong.

The only thing the OP is saying is that her child cries when she picks him up from childminder. That is not evidence of the arrangement not working im afraid.

I was waiting for this ! I don’t think a baby needs the daddy as much as the mummy when under 4/5! My opinion ! I think dad’/s are vital but I don’t think this arrangement is beneficial to the child. Therefore I’d suggest it was changed ! Especially when a child so young is involved.

Your post is just utter rubbish about equality ! Step back. A toddler needs a mother and father but not seeing mummy at that age is ridiculous hence why the bond with mummy is now damaged .

It’s all very well going to court but if he argues that in your ‘50’ the baby is with the childminder for a significant time, they probably aren’t going to increase that time.

It sounds like you need to change the days and hours though, as it’s clearly not working for you.

Can you try and have a rational conversation with your ex? Suggest a better split?

Gosh the number of heartless people posting on this thread. I’m appalled.
so weird focusing on whether a 1 nearly 2 year old is still a baby or not; of course any mother would find it painful having so little time with her infant, and worse, how terrible for the child. It is the OP posting about her concerns for the mother-child bond and I can’t imagine any good mother not feeling the same. In fact it would make me stay with a shitty man just to avoid this. Of course fathers have a vital role and children need both parents to be actively involved but it doesn’t sound like the set up of working nor does the father seem particularly interested in that.

Tell him to take it to court. If you don't get any weekends it isn't fair - you should be sharing weekdays and weekends.

Your reading of OP's posts is a bit selective. She also says that the bond is suffering and isn't as strong as it should be. This is a direct result of the split living arrangement which is detrimental to attachment in very young children. Her instinct is telling her it's wrong, because it is.

My bond with my kids hasn’t been damaged by not being the “main” parent, so I disagree.

o/p still hasn’t told us what her arrangement is. She phrases it like she only gets weekdays, so only sees them morning/evening.

I worked shifts when mine were babies. They often went 3 or 4 days barely seeing me. They were fine with their dad. In fact he became a sahd when they were in primary school while I worked and they don’t seem to have been harmed by having their father parent them equally. @Whatamitodonow

You lived with your children! Your DH became the main parent . That’s a traditional set up with swapped gender roles. Totally different than a 50:50 split and child minder . And a baby crying and not wanting to see their main carer .

What can you do?

Change your working hours or job to spend more time with your baby.