Really struggling with 50/50 custody, losing my baby

[MissingMama]

I split with stbxh at the start of the year. We have been sharing custody 50/50 of our kids, 5 and 1. It’s generally working ok, the kids do seem to of adjusted. It’s better with the 5 year old, he understands more and can vocalise how he feels. He still seems very close to me. It’s not ideal, but it’s ok.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the bond with him that I did, or that she has. I feel like I’m losing my baby.

This isn’t what I’d have chosen for them, I just feel heartbroken. I’ve asked my ex about more custody in my favour and he said he’d got to court if I tried that. I just feel so sad. What can I do?

I don't think that only the mum is a real parent, but I'm of the opinion that 0-36 months is too young for 50-50. It's not a function of the dad being a worse parent, it's a function of the children's age.

Your brother sounds like an amazing parent.

50/50 at 22 months is crazy. A lot of mothers are still breastfeeding then, so I don’t understand how a court would allow that.
Maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t it recommend a woman breastfeeds for 2 years?

He's rejecting his mother, though, which is a sign of distress.

I just think that 50-50 at such a young age is likely to disrupt the maternal bond, which isn't good for a child that age. How can he feel secure when shunted between homes so often?

Not always. It sounds like it doesn't happen every single time either.

This arrangement has been in place for a year now and as OP herself admits, it's working ok and both children have adjusted. I'd think he'd feel less secure if all of that suddenly changes and out of nowhere, he starts seeing one parent for much shorter periods of time.

We all grasp it - just your point is incorrect and makes no sense.
I hope that you don’t give out advice like this if you’re a nurse, as your name suggests!

2 year olds don’t need to feed like newborns and small babies do.

Tell that to my 2 year old😂. I always joke that he wants to breastfeed more now, then he did as a newborn.

Flip it on its head - why does the Dad have to do the visiting?
The attachment nonsense is just that - nonsense.

Any thoughts at all, or just a negative comment. You, or one, only has to look at the current wave of issues in children and young adults, to be able to realise that things are not working as they stand. Dumping children into daycare full-time, then care before and after school, whilst parents rush around working, no matter how good, doesnt seem to be working out. But do you have alternative views/suggestions? And no categorically it isn't for mum to sort out; whist dad carries on as normal.

This is my feeling on it too. It should be about what is in the best interest of the child and if the child is struggling with attachments to their primary caregivers then I think there needs to be recognotion that the current arrangement isn't working as it stands and a new compromise needs to be reached for a period of time. I'd be seeking legal advice on this too op and as others have suggested I'd be speaking to your work and trying to adjust hours or looking at a more flexible job if your current job can't accommodate you. A child isn't a toy to be shared.

Agreeing to 50/50 for a 1-year-old is insane. I really doubt a court would order that for a child at that age. Poor kid. He needs a primary parent at that age, not two part-time parents.

My 19 year old has just come back from counseling (again as the anxiety doesnt ever seem to go) and this is their main issue - the 50:50 shuffling each week. Since age 6. I explained that I had warned the family court I was worried about this and I was ignored. I called it transition - plenty of articles on that. It could never be good - I feel on this site those that support it do so because otherwise their carefully constructed lives would fall apart. Again all about the parents not the children. My child has suffered from 50:50. It is not beneficial with parents who don't parent collaboratively/amicably. I've explained to mine that now they are adult they don't need to continue with this arrangement - they agree to it to placate the other parent's moods. So there you have it again - a parenting requirement that damages children.

Ah so working mothers are rejecting their babies??? Wtf?

I hope wherever your degree in child psychology comes from gives refunds.

The number one predictor of happiness is emotional regulation.

Emotional regulation is almost entirely determined by a stable full time relationship with a primary caregiver from birth.

Its not a pot plant.

Attachment theory is taken seriously by most medical and social experts.

The National Society for the Protection of Children (NSPCC) says it's important. Why don't you write to them and tell them that their information is nonsense?

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years

Of course they're not; the point is that the child is too young to understand that the mother has to work and is not rejecting him or her.

A court might decide that her ex is the primary caregiver though

Is this really genuine question? Lots of people have already answered it.

That link does not say what you claim it does
'Children can form attachments with more than one caregiver, but the bond with the people who have provided close care from early infancy is the most important and enduring (Bowlby, 1997)2.'
And...
*'18 months – 2 years onwards

At this point children are likely to become less dependent on their primary caregiver, particularly if they feel secure and confident the caregiver will return and be responsive in times of need (Bowlby, 1997)9.'*

50:50 one week on one week off is entirely to do with the parents not the child.

Let any adult man or woman try 50:50 one week on, one week off , regarding where and how they live and see how it affects them, let alone if they permanently alternated one week with one partner then one week with another.

There are other ways to get to know or be with the other parent.

This is the thing with separation/divorce and kids though.

i personally would hate 50:50. But a child has a right to form relationships with both parents, so how else do we do it?

eow type arrangements inevitably lead to a lesser relationship with that parent. Or at least a very different one as the short time periods do lead to “Disney” parenting because who wants to spend your valuable one day out of 7 arguing and disciplining the child?

my brothers child is totally fucked up from the divorce. His relationship with his dad is non existent despite at one point wanting to move in with him- his mum put a stop to it and since then the relationship has deteriorated.

divorce is shit for kids. Whichever way it’s done. 50:50 might not be ideal but then it’s probably just as problematic having an wow arrangement.

The ideal is a sensible co parenting relationship that places the children at the heart of it to enable them to feel they have stable home environments and relationships with both parents and that means flexibility and understanding and not rigidly insisting on a 50/50

50/50 only benefits the father not the child - because in most cases in the UK it's the mother who does the lionshare of the parenting.

Many child psychologists feel the same way especially when children are under school aged. If you could get a referral then the courts might be swayed to give you more custody but you should try to move your working pattern to the days you don't have him.

It’s way too young for 50:50. Child custody arrangements should be about what is best for the child taking into account their developmental stage.

I feel really bad you and for these young children, this arrangement definitely isn’t good for such a young age. I’d get legal advice to arrange more time for the children to be home and speak to your employer about flexibility with work.

How do you work that though?

many mums rigidly insist they have the child the bulk of the time, with little flexibility and understanding around dad not seeing their child.

i would not want to see my child eow. But we seem to expect dads to accept it, then wonder why the bond isn’t there and dads don’t step up to parenting in the same way mums do.

not saying I know how to fix it. But I do think if women are going to insist that they need to be the main parent and lessen contact with dads, we need some flexibility and understanding that dads won’t have the same parenting bond .

i know my brother was heartbroken when his wife kicked him out (her affair) and a big part of that was not being there for his kids. He went from an active involved role, picking them up from school, doing dinner, taking the swimming and football, putting them to bed, to seeing them on a weekend at his mums as he had nowhere to live.

it has destroyed their relationship. He wanted to apply for RP but when he got legal advice he was told courts never award dads over mum. He had no choice but to step back then watch his ex poison the kids because in her opinion he wasn’t doing enough.