Really struggling with 50/50 custody, losing my baby

[MissingMama]

I split with stbxh at the start of the year. We have been sharing custody 50/50 of our kids, 5 and 1. It’s generally working ok, the kids do seem to of adjusted. It’s better with the 5 year old, he understands more and can vocalise how he feels. He still seems very close to me. It’s not ideal, but it’s ok.

My 1 year old (well, 22 month old) is just breaking my heart. Some weeks I only have him in the evenings after he’s spent the day with his childminder, it works out as like 12 hours over that week really. He loves it at her house and is so attached to her, he cries and doesn’t want to come to me when I pick him up. I can never replicate the bond they have as I just can’t spend as much time with him.

He is often upset to come to me, he will engage with me and be happy and smiley and give kisses etc after a bit of time to soften but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the bond with him that I did, or that she has. I feel like I’m losing my baby.

This isn’t what I’d have chosen for them, I just feel heartbroken. I’ve asked my ex about more custody in my favour and he said he’d got to court if I tried that. I just feel so sad. What can I do?

The poster said that attachment theory is “nonsense.” I’m saying that the NSPCC doesn’t think so.

This. I don’t know how anyone can think it is good for a young child to have a consistent base, a carer who usually puts them to bed. It defies common sense.

Is he getting all week end. ? If so you need to split the week. Say Saturday teatime to Wednesday lunch (or morning depending on childcare arrangements) and Wednesday afternoon to Saturday tea time.

My parents tried 50:50 for a few months when they initially separated. I was a lot older than OPs children. I sobbed leaving my mum each time. It was devastating.

luckily both my parents recognised me and my sibling needed one home base and that was with our mother, we still saw our father and had a relationship. As a grown up I love them both and think this was the better set up and outcome.

i agree with a pp that one day in a few generations time they will be horrified at some of this default 50:50 from birth shit that’s on trend now.

really like the idea from PP that dads come over for dinner and help with homewkrk
and do some pick ups etc so still heavily involved but not to exact 50:50.

that being said OP now you have done a substantial period of time with this arrangement it is my understanding that this is the status quo and it would be unlikely a court would award you more time. Had this been the beginning of separation. And you went to court there would be more chance a particular kind of judge might have more sympathy for you and award you resident parent

How is it at all helpful for posters to respond in a way that doesn’t assist the OP but advocates for her ex partner?

It's not about the OP or her ex, it's about their children. The current set-up isn't harming them.

Exactly.

It’s also easy to agree with the father having EOW knowing that you’re the mother and get to be with your child the vast majority of the time.

It would be a different story if mothers were made to be the ones to barely see their child.

Without knowing the actual set up we cannot say that - and actually both seem to be fixated on their needs not the children

and If they are indeed spending weeknights in one place ans weekends in others then yes that is potentially harmful

mediation is I think needed here rather than an informal agreement

So let him take you to court, and pay for it. It’s not him who should decide, but a judge

What an odd response. Good for you?

Baby is almost 2 and ‘demanding’ won’t make any difference.

i really feel for you, OP.

Why should you have the baby more than stbxh? I'm sure he misses them just as much as you.
You have as much right as each other, so 50:50 is the only fair thing to do in an unfair situation inflicted on the children by the pair of you.

Isn't it obvious that babies and toddlers need their mothers more than fathers in those early years. We haven't all been given the ability to carry or feed a baby! We're not meant to be apart from our infants this long.

A small baby? Absolutely.

That argument doesn’t hold for a 2 year old.

She is neither carrying nor breastfeeding her 2 year old…

I feel for you OP. I have four children and my youngest was three when I separated then divorced. Have had 50:50 shared care ever since and now feel that my three-year-old was too young (was still breastfeeding) but the arrangement was hastily agreed and I’ve never been able to make any changes. The courts haven’t imposed it - ex’s ASD just means he won’t have any flexibility on handover times, swapping weekends, shared events like Sports Day (if they fall on ‘his’ day I am not ‘allowed’ to attend). I know in reality I can, but it upsets the children because they think I’m breaking some rule, and to ensure they are not distressed I have to accept his way.

I think 50:50 works with good communication and some flexibility, and if arrangements are revised as the child(ren) get older.

The key thing is that the week doesn’t split 50:50. So working out how best to do it in the interests of the children will vary from family to family. Alternate weekends if both of you work in the week is important, but your work patterns may be different. I work full-time and had a brilliant childminder for my weekdays, and as my eldest (18 this Saturday) will attest, it has not affected her bond one bit.

it is uniquely painful to be apart from children but it gets better. I hope as time goes by you can adapt your arrangements and enjoy your time with your children op.

Why are people thinking the younger one (almost 2) should have more time with OP? Dad's can and need the time with their children.

Try to work more hours the week you don't have the children so that you can take extra hours off when you have them.
I care for a 2 year-old m-f 7:30 - 4:30. So basically I see her more hours in the week than her parents.(I mean actually awake and interacting with me) So the mom has added some time to each of her workdays so she can have an extra day off every 2 weeks. So 1 week I only get the little one 4 days.

I think you've explained why some women (mainly women but i guess some men too) choose to stay in relationships when they have small children.

It is a bonus that the little one has a bond with their Childminder, it is only natural but I understand your upset.
can you do longer times with DC as that will help.
I was a Reg Childminder and children often made a big fuss about being collected and going home but calmed down once at home with Mum or Dad.
its so hard juggling everything.
I realise what I’m about to say wouldn’t suit everyone, but I often said to struggling Parents, if working, why not become a Reg Childminder, if you are willing to put in the training, etc as that way you get to spend all day with your little one…And Registered Childminders are in short supply!

100% this.

I went back to work before my DD was 4 months old and even though I had been around for nearly three months, being away from her for 10/11 hours a day did nothing for our bonding. She wanted her dad to soothe her when she was upset and didn’t want to come to me so rather than upset her more, I let him do what was needed. It felt like a kick in the twat every time it happened.
Turned out I had pnd and we didn’t bond until she was about 18 months old and I grieved for the months that I had missed out on with her.
I was blaming DP for our non bond when my cousin said to me, “it’s not him, it’s you. It’s your energy, she will be feeling you and feeling daddy and of course she would rather have daddy because he’s stable, he’s happy, his vibe is chilled whereas you are not happy and you’re not feeling good and your vibe is erratic”.
I hadn’t thought about that but it’s true. My energy was off but I digress.

She didn’t want to come to me because I wasn’t her ‘familiar’.

I went back to work at 3 months and had no issues with bonding with my children, they also came to me with no issues.

Going back to work wasn’t the issue, it was clearly because you were struggling with PND at the time. It may have been exactly the same if you had gone back to work later.

Ah that’s lovely for you.
Yeah maybe. I always said that he (DP) weren’t to know that I was going to get pnd because I asked him to share looking after the baby so I could spend more time with her and could bond with her and we both work part time/full time (him) but he was in baby bliss having the best time of his life so I carried on working in a toxic environment and my mental health declined more until I had suicidal ideation and wanted to jump from a bridge.
He still didn’t get a job after that.
Anyhooo, alls well that ends well.
DD and I have an awesome relationship now 🙂