Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

“Shut up”

347 replies

Whywouldyousaythat88 · 31/10/2024 20:51

Today at a self check out, my 4 year old was crying to me over typical kid stuff when the woman at the self check out next to me said “oh shut up, child” loud enough that both myself and my child heard her.

How would you have reacted?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
TentEntWenTyfOur · 31/10/2024 23:04

Imjustlikeyou · 31/10/2024 21:56

@TentEntWenTyfOur Stop it. Children crying is hardly a result of Modern day parenting is it? You too would have cried as a child and annoyed people. Hopefully they showed you more lenience!

Edited

I expect I did, and so did my dc, but I would still have understood why a stranger in a shop would be irritated by it.

BarbaraHoward · 31/10/2024 23:06

I don't blame you for being irritated (and you were presumably already at the end of your tether as we all are when our children misbehave in the supermarket), but your child probably didn't even notice her saying it or realise it was directed at them. By carrying on as you did you drew attention to it, and taught your child that it's absolutely fine to confront cranky strangers in public.

Scentedjasmin · 31/10/2024 23:08

I would have called her out on her behaviour. It's so pig ignorant and passive aggressive to say a rude comment within someone else's earshot. It's also bullying behaviour and people get away with it because most people are too polite, taken aback or embarrassed to respond. It doesn't matter what the comment, circumstances or whether they are having a bad day.. it's pig ignorant.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Behaviour & development Families
Original poster
Whywouldyousaythat88 · 31/10/2024 23:08

BarbaraHoward · 31/10/2024 23:06

I don't blame you for being irritated (and you were presumably already at the end of your tether as we all are when our children misbehave in the supermarket), but your child probably didn't even notice her saying it or realise it was directed at them. By carrying on as you did you drew attention to it, and taught your child that it's absolutely fine to confront cranky strangers in public.

My child did notice it.

OP posts:
HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 31/10/2024 23:09

I think you made a bit of a tit of yourself, reacting like that.

She didn’t address your child and tell him to shut up. She exclaimed aloud to herself that she wished he’d shut up. I’m sure she wasn’t alone in that wish. She ideally should have kept that thought to herself. But she was cussing in frustration, not facing your kid and telling him off, and that’s different.

Haven’t you ever said “oh FFS” in annoyance?

You made a big thing out of it. It was perfectly ignorable, but you turned it into A Thing.

Presumably because you were feel
judged that your child was whinging at the checkout and you weren’t stopping him, or because you were all a bit stressed.

Ultimately you escalated something that was really nothing.

Tourmalines · 31/10/2024 23:10

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 31/10/2024 23:09

I think you made a bit of a tit of yourself, reacting like that.

She didn’t address your child and tell him to shut up. She exclaimed aloud to herself that she wished he’d shut up. I’m sure she wasn’t alone in that wish. She ideally should have kept that thought to herself. But she was cussing in frustration, not facing your kid and telling him off, and that’s different.

Haven’t you ever said “oh FFS” in annoyance?

You made a big thing out of it. It was perfectly ignorable, but you turned it into A Thing.

Presumably because you were feel
judged that your child was whinging at the checkout and you weren’t stopping him, or because you were all a bit stressed.

Ultimately you escalated something that was really nothing.

Agree .

FuzzyYellowChicken · 31/10/2024 23:10

Sorry this made me laugh a bit because as I’m getting older and menopausal sometimes my inner thoughts do accidentally come out of my mouth. It’s a struggle.

Ill be that old lady in a few years. I can already feel it coming on. It’s starting.

I apologise in advance to everyone and their kids.

A few years ago as a mum lioness I would have said something back to her so I see your side too totally!

Scentedjasmin · 31/10/2024 23:11

BarbaraHoward · 31/10/2024 23:06

I don't blame you for being irritated (and you were presumably already at the end of your tether as we all are when our children misbehave in the supermarket), but your child probably didn't even notice her saying it or realise it was directed at them. By carrying on as you did you drew attention to it, and taught your child that it's absolutely fine to confront cranky strangers in public.

I think that it is ok to call put rude bad tempered people in public if they insult you though. Obviously it's not good to get into a big confrontation, but a calm measured response such as "did you intend to be so unkind towards a young child who is in distress?", or, "I can hear perfectly fine and that comment was rude and unkind".

Original poster
Whywouldyousaythat88 · 31/10/2024 23:16

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 31/10/2024 23:09

I think you made a bit of a tit of yourself, reacting like that.

She didn’t address your child and tell him to shut up. She exclaimed aloud to herself that she wished he’d shut up. I’m sure she wasn’t alone in that wish. She ideally should have kept that thought to herself. But she was cussing in frustration, not facing your kid and telling him off, and that’s different.

Haven’t you ever said “oh FFS” in annoyance?

You made a big thing out of it. It was perfectly ignorable, but you turned it into A Thing.

Presumably because you were feel
judged that your child was whinging at the checkout and you weren’t stopping him, or because you were all a bit stressed.

Ultimately you escalated something that was really nothing.

Saying “oh FFS” in annoyance at a stranger is incredibly rude, so no. Is that what you do?

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 31/10/2024 23:16

honestly? I’d likely be secretly agreeing with her. When my DD (who I adore) is crying/whinging over typical kids stuff, despite trying to passify her, quite often I’m thinking ‘ goodness sake, just shush, it doesn’t matter’!

minipie · 31/10/2024 23:17

Ah ok, as I thought, you were making no effort at all to get your child to quieten down because you think it’s good for him to express his feelings.

Original poster
Whywouldyousaythat88 · 31/10/2024 23:17

StarDolphins · 31/10/2024 23:16

honestly? I’d likely be secretly agreeing with her. When my DD (who I adore) is crying/whinging over typical kids stuff, despite trying to passify her, quite often I’m thinking ‘ goodness sake, just shush, it doesn’t matter’!

But it does matter. I choose to validate my kids feelings. He was understandably upset.

Again, it wasn’t a temper tantrum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whywouldyousaythat88 · 31/10/2024 23:19

minipie · 31/10/2024 23:17

Ah ok, as I thought, you were making no effort at all to get your child to quieten down because you think it’s good for him to express his feelings.

It wasn’t necessary for me to stop what I was doing to do so and then hold up everyone else waiting for the till! Like I said, I had 4 things to scan snd we’d have been out of there. A minute or two, tops.

All I’d have done is comfort him anyway, I’m sure you wouldn’t like that!

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 31/10/2024 23:19

Scentedjasmin · 31/10/2024 23:11

I think that it is ok to call put rude bad tempered people in public if they insult you though. Obviously it's not good to get into a big confrontation, but a calm measured response such as "did you intend to be so unkind towards a young child who is in distress?", or, "I can hear perfectly fine and that comment was rude and unkind".

Show quote history

What's the point though? You're never going to change their minds, you're just going to walk away even crankier than if you'd said nothing. This is a lesson I'm desperately trying to learn at the age of 40. And in rare cases it may even be unsafe to confront the person.

coldcrossbun · 31/10/2024 23:19

'I know that there’s a lot of people/parents out there who think that the rest of world should shut up and bow down to children and put up with their behaviour in public places, regardless of the noise or disruption, but not everybody is going to tow that line.'

This hits the nail on the head. The more you respond OP the more entitled you come across, and like you pander to and baby your child.

You teach him it's fine to cry when sad? It may be fine to feel sad but indulging one's sadness by creating a racket and annoying multiple people in public is not ok. Him being sad over not being able to spend his pocket money is also a tiny thing. It's not like something terrible happened, his reaction and the associated noise was entirely disproportionate.

4 is plenty old enough to be told 'I understand you're sad, but you can spend your pocket money on X instead, won't that be fun'. Your job as a parent is to distract and cheer him up, not indulge him.

Also asking if she's a parent is completely irrelevant. I was asked this once when I asked a child to stop kicking my seat on a plane. The fact I wasn't one then had no bearing on the situation. Infact people who think 'you can't possibly understand if you aren't a parent' show a lack of empathy and that they clearly have no theory of mind. It's not the gotcha you seem to think it is.

Original poster
Whywouldyousaythat88 · 31/10/2024 23:21

coldcrossbun · 31/10/2024 23:19

'I know that there’s a lot of people/parents out there who think that the rest of world should shut up and bow down to children and put up with their behaviour in public places, regardless of the noise or disruption, but not everybody is going to tow that line.'

This hits the nail on the head. The more you respond OP the more entitled you come across, and like you pander to and baby your child.

You teach him it's fine to cry when sad? It may be fine to feel sad but indulging one's sadness by creating a racket and annoying multiple people in public is not ok. Him being sad over not being able to spend his pocket money is also a tiny thing. It's not like something terrible happened, his reaction and the associated noise was entirely disproportionate.

4 is plenty old enough to be told 'I understand you're sad, but you can spend your pocket money on X instead, won't that be fun'. Your job as a parent is to distract and cheer him up, not indulge him.

Also asking if she's a parent is completely irrelevant. I was asked this once when I asked a child to stop kicking my seat on a plane. The fact I wasn't one then had no bearing on the situation. Infact people who think 'you can't possibly understand if you aren't a parent' show a lack of empathy and that they clearly have no theory of mind. It's not the gotcha you seem to think it is.

Yikes.

It’s not ok to minimise people’s feelings like you describe, even children’s.

Jusf because you consider something to be “tiny” does not mean it is.

Kicking a seat on a plane is rude and wildly different to what happened to my child today.

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 31/10/2024 23:23

Whywouldyousaythat88 · 31/10/2024 23:21

Yikes.

It’s not ok to minimise people’s feelings like you describe, even children’s.

Jusf because you consider something to be “tiny” does not mean it is.

Kicking a seat on a plane is rude and wildly different to what happened to my child today.

Edited
Show quote history

I dunno. If a grown man in the office started wailing and crying because someone else took the last biscuit or his team had lost the football the night before I would very happily minimise his feelings and tell him to cop the fuck on.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 31/10/2024 23:30

Whywouldyousaythat88 · 31/10/2024 23:16

Saying “oh FFS” in annoyance at a stranger is incredibly rude, so no. Is that what you do?

Show quote history

No, but generally but it’s occasionally slipped out on a bad day when something bloody annoying is the straw breaking the camels back.

Your child was being annoying by crying about not choosing a toy. That happens with 4 year olds. S mall people, big feelings, sometimes very annoying. Ignore and move on is a sensible policy.

But if you’re busy “validating his feelings” over sobbing about not finding something to buy, you’re probably going to run into this more than most. He needs distracting or settling, not having his outburst endorsed at the checkout.

minipie · 31/10/2024 23:30

Whywouldyousaythat88 · 31/10/2024 23:19

It wasn’t necessary for me to stop what I was doing to do so and then hold up everyone else waiting for the till! Like I said, I had 4 things to scan snd we’d have been out of there. A minute or two, tops.

All I’d have done is comfort him anyway, I’m sure you wouldn’t like that!

Show quote history

What on earth makes you think I wouldn’t want you to comfort him? If that’s the best way to get him to calm down then of course comfort him.

If it was quicker to just get through the tills and get going than to try to calm and quieten him then that’s a fair judgment call.

But I notice you’ve swapped from “I didn’t try to stop my child crying because I teach him it’s ok to cry to express his emotions” to “I didn’t try to stop him because we would be gone in a minute anyway”.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 31/10/2024 23:35

coldcrossbun · 31/10/2024 23:19

'I know that there’s a lot of people/parents out there who think that the rest of world should shut up and bow down to children and put up with their behaviour in public places, regardless of the noise or disruption, but not everybody is going to tow that line.'

This hits the nail on the head. The more you respond OP the more entitled you come across, and like you pander to and baby your child.

You teach him it's fine to cry when sad? It may be fine to feel sad but indulging one's sadness by creating a racket and annoying multiple people in public is not ok. Him being sad over not being able to spend his pocket money is also a tiny thing. It's not like something terrible happened, his reaction and the associated noise was entirely disproportionate.

4 is plenty old enough to be told 'I understand you're sad, but you can spend your pocket money on X instead, won't that be fun'. Your job as a parent is to distract and cheer him up, not indulge him.

Also asking if she's a parent is completely irrelevant. I was asked this once when I asked a child to stop kicking my seat on a plane. The fact I wasn't one then had no bearing on the situation. Infact people who think 'you can't possibly understand if you aren't a parent' show a lack of empathy and that they clearly have no theory of mind. It's not the gotcha you seem to think it is.

Hit the nail on the head here!
A perfectly good teaching moment missed here. A simple and cheery ‘oh dear well there is nothing in here to buy is there. How about we try X shop?’ and move on.
The child is not unwell, hurt or in danger. He is making a noise for making a noise’s sake and therefore does not stir much sympathy and mother is pandering…

coldcrossbun · 31/10/2024 23:38

Not all feelings are valid and even when they are not all responses are proportional.

In your child's case of course it's valid to be disappointed, he was looking forward to buying a treat and was disappointed he didn't find one. But it's your job as a parent to teach him appropriate proportional responses. Crying on loudly isn't proportional.

Plus distracting a child from the thing they're upset about to cheer them up isn't cruel or invalidating. It's actually very healthy and kind. Why would you want your child to be upset and cry when you could cheer him up by saying 'I know you're disappointed but look on the bright side, now you still have your pocket money to spend on insert other thing they like'

Tourmalines · 31/10/2024 23:42

AgainandagainandagainSS · 31/10/2024 23:35

Hit the nail on the head here!
A perfectly good teaching moment missed here. A simple and cheery ‘oh dear well there is nothing in here to buy is there. How about we try X shop?’ and move on.
The child is not unwell, hurt or in danger. He is making a noise for making a noise’s sake and therefore does not stir much sympathy and mother is pandering…

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly.

StarDolphins · 31/10/2024 23:52

Whywouldyousaythat88 · 31/10/2024 23:17

But it does matter. I choose to validate my kids feelings. He was understandably upset.

Again, it wasn’t a temper tantrum.

Show quote history

What was he ‘understandably’ upset about? That he couldn’t find anything to spend his money on? Yes it’s good to validate his feelings but it’s then upto you to manage this “i understand you’re upset but there will be other places that have great things that you can spend it on, we could try xxx shop”. Resilience is best taught young. Unless he’s 12 months old, of course.

PrestonHood121 · 01/11/2024 00:07

I like to think I would have been dignified but I know I would have bounced right back with “eff off b**h!” Without any care in the slightest.

MaidOfAle · 01/11/2024 00:07

I'm with the OP here. Four year olds have a limited ability to emotionally self-regulate compared to adults. Expecting a child to act older than their age is called "adultification" and is recognised as a form of abuse.

Visiting three shops is a lot for a four-year-old and, by that time, he will be hungry, thirsty, and tired.

Being expected to make allowances for the angry adults whilst suppressing my own emotions as a child is one of the reasons why I'm now non-contact with my mother.