“Shut up”

[Whywouldyousaythat88]

Today at a self check out, my 4 year old was crying to me over typical kid stuff when the woman at the self check out next to me said “oh shut up, child” loud enough that both myself and my child heard her.

How would you have reacted?

Oh and by the way. Yes I do gentle parent, and if any of my family or friends don’t like that then they know where to go. My kids, my rules, and so far we’ve bad nothing but good feedback from nursery and school about our wonderfully kind and caring little boy.

Who in their right mind bases their parenting on whether their relatives and friends would approve?

You should try it you know. You might surprise yourself.

And that is why you have a child that lacks resilience. Well done you.

My child is actually very resilient for his age, but you know nothing about him or the day he was having 😊

No thanks. It doesn't work particularly well for the people I know and it doesn't sound like it's working that well for you either. You're the one posting about your child being told to shut up by a stranger. That's never happened to me. "Sobbing" over not getting a toy is making a racket, it was clearly bad enough for a stranger to notice and comment on it. You're not doing your child any favours. If you don't correct your child's behaviour then society will do it for you, but in a much less nice way than if it came from you.

Men are taught as boys, far more than girls are, not to cry. Men are also disproportionately likely to complete suicide and resort to other forms of violence when faced with problems that make them feel bad. This is not a coincidence.

Also, since gentle parenting is all about natural consequences, this was actually a perfect example of a natural consequence in action. Your son was being annoying in a shop. He got told to shut up.

🤣 Do some reading.

Ok, well, good luck to you, you clearly know best and have read more than everyone else 🤷‍♀️

So smug…
Yet you’re the one with the annoying kid being told to shut up by random strangers.

Your views here are in line with those of the parents I know now cut off by their grown up children.

You sound very archaic in your parenting and you need to join the modern world of it asap for your children’s sake.

For your little girls sake - educate yourself.

@MaidOfAle Eh? I have a girl. No one is saying boys should be told not to cry. But as adults, we can't go around sobbing and emoting in every place and every situation, when something doesn't go our way. Part of parenting is preparing children for this reality and teaching them about appropriate behaviour in different situations. Which the OP, by her own admission, isn't doing.
Making this about male suicide and violence is quite a stretch.

Oh wow. Do you think that men just wake up one day depressed and suicidal? Has it ever occurred to you that these things are routed in childhood?

Seriously. Just wow. I don’t know if it’s naivety or just denial but it’s off the charts in here tonight.

Also, stop expecting 4 year olds to behave like adults. It’s bizarre and frankly, worrying. The woman that was rude to him was “emoting” all over the place because things weren’t going her way, but you don’t have a problem with that!

I would likely have had a similar reaction, but instead of saying nothing was done as you were in the queue, and your son was upset and entitled to be, this could have been avoided prior to the queue by giving the boundaries and explanation prior to reaching the queue that 'we are having one last walk, and if you can't find anything here then we will look in x on x, would you be happy to look there?' kids of that age need to be able to make a choice, I found it assists with accountability and calm them.

Not right that a woman told your son to shut up, really not. But feel more could have been done to minamise the upset at the till. This could have perhaps been done already, which then would make me wonder why he did not feel relaxed enough that would happen.

And yes, we are busy parents so time is of the essence, but the time taken for that would have perhaps diffused the situation. The woman could have been having an off day, which is not an excuse. But highly suspect my thoughts will not be valued!

@Whywouldyousaythat88 As a matter of fact, I did read the gentle parenting books when my daughter was a baby. There was some stuff in there that I thought has its place in the parenting tool box, but ultimately, most of it sounded like it would be totally ineffectual and would create a person who expects their feelings to be centred in everything. And that's just not how the world works, as you're now finding out the hard way.

My little girl is doing great, but thanks for your concern. She's loved, happy, popular at nursery and mostly well behaved, though she has her moments. We have cuddles, we talk about feelings.I don't teach her that her feelings trump everyone else's. Other people are allowed to feel annoyed too, if her behaviour is annoying. I teach her about appropriate behaviour in public places.

I don't know anyone whose children don't contact them, or who doesn't have contact with their own parents. Maybe it's normal in the circles you move in.
My parenting is similar to most of my friends and the parents of my daughter's friends. None of us are "archaic", we're all educated people, we've all read the parenting books but we're also realistic about how things work in the real world.
You, on the other hand, sound like the kind of parent people roll their eyes about behind their back.

Although the lady was rude with her words, I can understand someone being incredibly frustrated hearing a child "understandably sobbing" over not finding something to buy and the parent doing nothing. If my DC cried over not buying something they didn't need after circling a shop trying to buy something for the sake of it, I would not be pleased. One of them did this once and we had a talk about their privilege. They were certainly not encouraged that this was an acceptable response. I think it is important to have this conversation rather than encouraging this as acceptable. They frequently help with children's charity events (out of choice after discussing why they're so important) & DD has recently asked to donate hers to a children's children gift collection. This is the response I want to encourage, not tantrums over not finding another thing to buy for the sake of it.

Anyway, I'm out. You really seem to struggle with reading comprehension, or taking on board any feedback, even though you asked for it. Good luck with your parenting, you'll need it.

I'd assume like my toddler she hasn't managed to control her emotions yet. Providing she didn't say it directly to my chi ok d I would ignore it.

It just gets worse and worse 😂.

You can parent how you like, OP, but the whole world doesn't revolve around you and your children.

If they annoy people in public, some people might make that clear.

Stop confronting random strangers who haven't even spoken directly to you or your DC because they have the audacity to express aloud that they're not enjoying being around you guys.

Great post.

Good luck, OP.

If my children’s normal human emotions annoy some miserable people then yes, some of those people will be rude towards them.

Corrected that for you.

A child sobbing quietly to its mother, not having a tantrum, in a situation lasting a couple of minutes shows the woman who told him to shut up in a much worse light than the child and OP.

Even if a child was having a full blown tantrum at a self-service check out, I'd just be relieved that I didn't have to do anything about it, I'd feel sorry for the parent and I'd scan my shopping as quickly as possible and leave the situation unscathed.

People are holding a 4 year old child to much higher standards than a grown woman.

But the woman didn't tell him to shut up. If she had, I think I'd be on the OP's side.

And this is one of the reasons why I never told my two DS not to cry, or that they had to man up, be brave.
Or other shit like that.

I taught my sons to be able to articulate their emotions.

I know I’ve already replied to you on this thread. There are still more C U Next Tuesdays, it would seem.

The OP's child is a boy.

Part of parenting is preparing children for this reality and teaching them about appropriate behaviour in different situations.

At an appropriate age. Which is not four.

@MaidOfAle Four is absolutely an appropriate age to start guiding children on how to behave in different situations. For example, when I take my daughter to a restaurant, public transport or the shops, I remind her of the expected behaviour - ie we don't run around and we use indoor voices. I don't expect her to get it right every time at this age, but I keep reminding and guiding. You can still acknowledge feelings while doing that.
Depression and suicide often involve significant childhood trauma and/or hereditary mental illness. It does not happen because of being told off about kicking off in the shops when you don't get what you want. Some of the replies here are wild.

@thepariscrimefiles Nobody comes out of this situation looking well really. I'm not saying the woman's reaction was right. But neither was the OPs. Also I doubt he was "sobbing quietly", more likely wailing at full volume for an extended time to get that kind of reaction. In my experience, "gentle parents" downplay and excuse a lot of behaviour, so the crying probably wasn't the only thing going on.