“Shut up”

[Whywouldyousaythat88]

Today at a self check out, my 4 year old was crying to me over typical kid stuff when the woman at the self check out next to me said “oh shut up, child” loud enough that both myself and my child heard her.

How would you have reacted?

It is not so much how she said it but how she said it. Since we were not present it is difficult to judge.
We all have been in a situation when a child was having a massive tantrum and the parent nearby doing naff-all about it. In those circumstances, I don't have any issues if someone else reprimands the child. Someone needs to teach them good manners, right?

Perhaps the old woman was 'just mouthy' when younger, now she is "verbally abusive" (OPs words) - just remember that when you're old...

🤣🤣🤣

Oh dear my post has been deleted. Is that now an offensive term?! I shall rephrase: incredible that on a parenting forum there appears to be so many posters who display a lack of empathy towards a small child. Modern parenting techniques are very different to the ‘seen and not heard’ attitudes of the past and thank goodness.

She shouldn’t have to go to an adults only holiday resort (a place she probably can’t afford to go to anyway, if she’s working in Tesco) to get some peace and quiet

I don’t know… I’m very aware of when my child is being an annoying brat, as they’re annoying me the most, probably!

Putting it back the other way for you, you've said she didn't know what was going on on in your sons life, maybe he'd had a bereavement, additional needs, etc- well maybe she had, maybe she had a processing disorder and you allowing your son to keep crying because it's healthy to do so in your opinion, was upsetting her, or is it only valid if the neurodiversity is part of a child, not an adult?

We expect neurodivergent adults to be able to manage their sensory limitations. Children can't: as children, by definition they have no agency. Children can't choose to wear earplugs or "click and collect" or leave and come back later; adults can.

More hyperbole.
Where was it said that the child was in a rage? Or wailing?

The child is 4 YEARS OLD. FFS.

And you know EXACTLY what I meant. Children should be seen and not heard, eh?

I’m so sorry 😔 that just makes me really angry and sad on your behalf.

Nowhere near on the same scale, but I remember if I was in a bad mood as a young child, my mum and dad would say things like,
“You could tie a knot in that lip!”

All that did was just enrage me further!
And I was a very loved child!

I expect they were just trying to laugh me out of it but it had the opposite effect.

When my DC were young, I was very careful to allow them to experience and label their feelings. I did not “indulge” them, as some posters here would say.
Instead, I discussed their emotions with them and gave them the security to feel angry, sad, frustrated etc.

I’m sorry that you were treated this way.

We had a big talk about how rude it is to tell people to shut up and how he’s not going to do that

So when did you have the big chat? And did he find his pocket money items?

I remember being a tigress mum but wouldn't have said anything. I remember as a child, adults would have felt fine to say these things! 😄

I've read most of this thread.
IF OP did zero around this customer to placate her child she is unreasonable
At the tills other customers can't avoid you like they might in an isle.
It's the look of the thing, just whispering, 'look it's ok, try to calm down and we'll sort it once we're outside'
I've told my own child several times that other people want to shop in peace

I wouldn't be the woman saying shut up I certainly wouldn't be the mum calling her out! I'd have turned to my child and said 'we need to leave as your being disruptive'

I finally definitely wouldn't define the phrase
'Shut up' as borderline verbally abusive

Also agree with the PP who said think of the poor teachers with 30 kids who have been reinforced to express themselves with twining when they couldn't what they wanted!

I have also never used the word tantrum because incessant twining is sometimes worse as they are (in my experience) forcing out the noises through choice not lost control in a tantrum

I've had experience of lots of poor behaviour from my lovely but sometimes difficult DD (the explosive child from the book!) I've very rarely ignored it once it's lasted more than 5-10 seconds

This is spot on, OP. This thread is full of people who don't consider children to be people. I mean I know they are the majority (just look how they themselves turned up, continuing the cycle). But it always amazes me to see it so clear and out loud...
I think you did absolutely the right thing, and I understand perfectly the sense of unfairness the situation left you with. But you keep doing what you're doing, breaking the cycle: it's hard and sometimes very lonely, but it's the right way. We wouldn't want the alternative so, upwards and onwards always!

@thepariscrimefiles

She didn't shout at the child. FFS.

The issue isn't really whether it's ok for children to express their emotions or whether it's ok for the OP or other adults to say "shut up!" to their children, it's whether the OP should have confronted this woman. And that's a totally different question.

It is expected of parents (and teachers, perhaps even to a greater extent) that they should behave in a child-centred way to the children in their care and therefore "shut up!" isn't really language you'd expect to hear from them. It's not good parenting/professional, although personally I wouldn't judge the occasional lapse by a fed-up or harassed parent or teacher very harshly.

This woman was neither a parent or teacher or other childcare professional. She was just a member of the public. She's not required to act in a child-centred or nurturing way towards the OP's child. What she said was neither threatening or intimidating, just mildly rude so imo the OP was out-of-order entering into a public confrontation over an offhand comment that was not addressed directly to her or her child. Eye-rolling and moving on would have been the appropriate response.

Imo the "shut up" woman started the 'public confrontation' when she was rude to the OP's son and should have expected some come back from the OP when she said it.

How would you feel if you were complaining about something to your partner or a friend when in a shop and a random woman told you to "shut up"? I'd say something back to that person, I wouldn't just roll my eyes.

It's not about being child-centric. You don't tell random people (regardless of age) to shut up! And certainly not without expecting some sort of response back from them.

Exactly. I’d love to see how these people would react if they were told to shut up for being upset!

She didn't tell the child to shut up.

I was once on a train with my older child, who could be a handful as a toddler, and he was being a bit moany and emotional and acting out. I heard one on the passengers at the table behind us say audibly "What a nightmare!"

I have to say it made me giggle and I thought "thankfully mine not yours".

The way you're reacting is probably because you're stressed, as are a lot of people.
Maybe if she'd bent your child over and given them a spanking I'd have been on your side, but a muted comment just tells me how she feels about it, which is fine.

If she’d touched my child I’d be getting the police involved, not having a brief chat.

Why do people start threads asking for opinions, then dismiss or attack everyone who doesn't agree with them...you obviously thought you were in the right, so just crack on.

From the way you talk, it sounds like you follow the gentle parenting approach. I can tell you now, you're going to have problems. Every parent I know who parents this way has had complaints from nursery/school about their children's behaviour, fall outs with friends and family members who won't tolerate certain behaviours in the name of "validating feelings" and they get tuts/glares/their children spoken to in public places because of the way they're behaving. People talk about them.

And yes, I have a child too, she's also 4. I get it, sometimes they get upset or melt down, and I'd have done the same in trying to scan my things and get out of there as quickly as possible. Often, trying to stop the crying in the moment just escalates things, so it's best to let them get on with it and just try to get away fast. To onlookers, it looks like the parent is doing nothing.
I don't think you did anything particularly wrong up to that point, but it's what you did afterwards and how you're responding on here that comes across as quite entitled.

Since you asked what others would have done - I'd have ignored the woman, or said something like "Sorry?" and shaken my head before walking away, depending on how I was feeling that day. She was rude and grumpy, but there are all sorts of people out in the world, I wouldn't have given her as much headspace as you're doing.

However, I'd have spoken to my child afterwards. I'd have said something like "that lady was a bit mean but you were being very loud. That annoys people. We need to be quiet in the shops. I know you were sad about not getting a toy but we can get one from another shop". Then we'd have hugged it out and moved on.

Personally, I want to help my child learn resilience and how to function out in the world. That involves learning that certain behaviours get a negative reaction, and learning how to behave in public. Validating them sobbing and making a racket in a shop because they couldn't get a toy right this minute, then getting into a confrontation with a stranger who said something a bit cranky is not going to help them do that.

But, you do you.

Great post .

Did you purposefully ignore the repeated posts where I stated my kid wasn’t causing a “racket” but was sobbing to me with sadness?

Absolutely not a chance in hell I tell a 4 year old that their crying is “annoying” to others and they should refrain from it in public. What kind of message does that give them? It is ok to cry, good in fact, and I tell my children that all the time.