“Shut up”

[Whywouldyousaythat88]

Today at a self check out, my 4 year old was crying to me over typical kid stuff when the woman at the self check out next to me said “oh shut up, child” loud enough that both myself and my child heard her.

How would you have reacted?

So it’s not about the noise but policing parents? Weird but ok 😂

They wouldn’t be repeating it because I would discuss with them why I said it.

And if they DID repeat it, I’d discuss with them why it was not appropriate. They were perfectly capable of understanding, at that age.

(The worst thing they repeated, and this was purely to wind me up, was poor grammar, e.g. I done, I seen 😂
Absolutely true story. We often laugh about it now. They are 16 and 17.)

My DC didn’t hear any swear words until they were at school.

@Stradlater

Running rings around her dps when they deserve a break, I feel protective of my own adult dc in these situations

@Whywouldyousaythat88 "It’s interesting that we have so much consideration for the elderly generation, but according to this thread the same is not true for the younger.
Can’t imagine telling Nan in her wheelchair to hurry the F up because I’m having a bad day and am late for work! Or getting out and having a go at the countless pensioners taking years to park or reverse in the car parks, holding everyone up."

For someone demanding tolerance from others, you certainly sound pretty ageist and ableist.

Replace 4 year old child with teenager/adult/OAP.
Would it be self-centred to expect the general public to be “tolerant” of them being upset? For whatever reason?

Or would we, quite rightly, be sympathetic and understanding?

Yes, I do understand what you mean but I think there is a general intolerance towards children who are dysregulated. They don’t have the means to contain their emotions and strangers getting visibly/audibly annoyed with them must be very unpleasant.

I think that some adults try to impose completely unrealistic expectations on children. I am referring to adults in general, not you, per se.

Since when did crying become behaviour that needs to be “nipped in the bud?”

No. You do seem to have a very hard time accepting that you and golden child aren't supposed to be the centre of everyone's universe.

If you at least look as though you are paying attention to your wailing child, that you realise it's a horrible noise, and so on, then people are MUCH less likely to say "shut up" They are more likely to think it, but also think, poor kid, well done mum for trying to distract him.

The current trend for nobody ever at all being allowed to be anything than gushing and welcoming to noisy children is baffling.

fWIW: when i'm out with DH and we hear a tantrumming/crying child we tend to fistbump that ours are grown up and have left home. We generally have sympathy unless the parent is in a world of their own. Then we hoik up the judgy pants. Mostly we say nothing, but i have been known to mutter "STFU" under my breath because i am over sensitive to that type of noise.

ETA: I'm not policing your or other ineffective parents. I am judging them though.

Again, who said he was wailing?
And who are you to decide if crying isn’t a valid response if there isn’t something in the shop that you want to buy?

“nothing in a shop good enough for you?”
Good grief! You make him sound like Marie Antoinette! 😂🤦‍♀️

WHY can’t his feelings be valid, if he’s frustrated? Seriously, why?
As adults, we get frustrated. Why can’t children?

Do you have children? It doesn’t sound like it!
My two are 16 and 17 now and very rarely had tantrums.
Maybe because I LISTENED to them and acknowledged/validated their feelings! ( Validify is not a word, btw)

How do you know?
Maybe she’s just a miserable bitch.

Telling children to be quiet is a world away from telling children to SHUT UP!

And fine well you know it.

I’d expect to get a warning if I spoke to a child like that, and rightly so!

I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you mean.

How do you know that the OP wasn’t?

She probably is, tbh.
Childten often act extremely differently in schools and I have spoken to some very bewildered parents, when I tell them that their child is perfect in class! 😂

@Stradlater

You're probably right

That's what I meant

You are more objective as a dgp and parenting styles have changed 😀

I have actually cried in a supermarket queue.
It was the last day of term, before Christmas.

I was absolutely exhausted and ill. Crawling into work every day because there was a class of children depending on me.

I had gone to Waitrose to try and find something really nice for Christmas dinner, we don’t eat Turkey or any meat.
I was prepared to spend extra, that’s why I went there.

There was really nothing special at all. Or even unspecial 😂🤦‍♀️
Not even any desserts that caught my eye.

I was so ill, run-down, exhausted and frustrated that yes, I did cry.
Not full on sobbing, but just silent tears. (I did actually apologise to the cashier and I explained that I was just exhausted and ill.)

Pathetic? Maybe. But I couldn’t help myself.
Just as I couldn’t help myself from crying when I had the ‘flu earlier this year and was so incredibly ill.

My ds cried with frustration when we all got Covid and he couldn’t go on his first, long awaited camping trip. He was 15.
Should he not have cried?

Is there a list somewhere with acceptable reasons/locations?

Yes, we do learn to regulate our emotions but a 4 year old has barely set foot on the planet, at this point.

I have actually found myself getting a bit short with my mum for being impatient/dismissive of my DC when upset/frustrated/annoyed.

We are ALL entitled to feel however we feel. It is not the privilege of adulthood. This is what is annoying me on this thread!

Actually in my older one's case, it would probably be justified 😂. I'm sure their teacher thinks it at least 10 times a day when dealing with him and his classmates.

The thing is... it's not the job of other adults to respond to our children in a child-friendly and emotionally sensitive way. That's our job as parents and, while it's nice when other people do this, it's not something we can expect from them as a matter of course.

That's what I think people mean when they say the OP seems to focus solely on her and her child.

It doesn't matter if the OP tries to validate her child's feelings, if she parents in an emotionally responsive and child-centred way, if she never shuts down feelings or gets annoyed with their expression. She's the parent and that's how she's chosen to parent.

But the OP has no right to expect the same from others. Others are entitled to put themselves first, they're not required to tolerate children that are not theirs in silence because they're learning, it's for the parents to remove children causing a nuisance. All the OP has a right to expect is that people will act acceptably. And this woman didn't shout or swear or threaten or cause a scene or even address a comment to the OP's DC. She simply made an (ever so slightly) rude comment that was overheard.

😂 we might think it, we just can’t say it 😂🤦‍♀️

Oh i wish I could trust that my kids teachers would tell them to shut up when they needed to hear it. Like my parents could.

What an absolutely pointless comment. What does that even mean? Like anybody on this thread has suggested that a child shouldn’t ‘feel’. It’s how they are encouraged to communicate and manage those feelings that is the issue.

Parents who feel that a child’s rage and noisy wailing at not getting what they want in a supermarket is best served openly foghorning around harassed shoppers are modelling the worst kind of self-centred inconsiderate values.

"
I don’t give a hoot if this woman was having a bad day. I have MANY bad days and I have never behaved that way."

So her emotions don't matter but you expect her not to react to your child wailing? The world doesn't revolve around you and your kid. Maybe she was having a fucking horrendous time and it was the last straw. Maybe she'd been bereaved, had an awful diagnosis, lost her job. Kindness works both ways.

So it’s acceptable to be rude to strangers if you’re having a bad day? Good to know.

As are some middle-aged people, some young people etc etc.

That goes without saying!