Husband and Mum clashing over baby!

[CocoaCravings]

Hi everyone,

Me (25F) and my H (27M) recently moved in temporarily with my parents after having our first baby who's currently a month old due to me wanting family support as I had a scheduled c-section and my H works full time

From day one my mother and H have been clashing over how we raise the baby. There's some bad blood between the two, due to my MIL & SIL. Whenever the in-laws come over they'll make comments about how baby is underfed (baby is in the 77th percentile) or not cleaned properly. The last incident was when my MIL decided to bathe baby at mine and my SIL recorded the entire thing, my mum chimed in and ask they not record baby because it's invasive... this led to a fiery exchange. Now H thinks there is a power imbalance because we live at my mums! And my mum no longer trusts the in-laws. My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF and supplemented with formula when necessary, my mum was stunned by the suggestion. SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job. Also, they recently came over and customised baby's cot with bumpers and pillows - all of which my mum removed immediately due to concerns with SIDS. My H was extremely offended by this as his sister purchased these items (without my know-how btw).

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Hes antisocial and locks himself in the bedroom now with the baby

Any advice on how you'd approach being stuck in the middle between your mum and bonus family ?

I’m gonna be honest @CocoaCravings the whole situation sounds way too suffocating. Wanting support is one thing but the way everyone is chiming and is ridiculous. You should’ve just stayed in your own place and gone about it your own way. You could’ve just had people calling as and when you needed their help or as and when they saw fit. Can you not move out and just start doing things your own way? You’re going to have to do it at some stage I’m afraid.

You say that you will do what is right/best for the baby irrespective of who gives the advice.

This should be a happy time and all family members should be doing what is best for the baby.

Filming the baby IS invasive and I hope they haven't posted that anywhere on social media.

Everyone needs to be sat down and told to respect your and your husband's boundaries. You need to find your own place asap.

You are an adult, you don't need your dm in tow.

How long until you plan to move out? Did you move back home for cultural reasons ? It sounds very claustrophobic and I’m not surprised that there’s been lots of arguments.

Your in laws sound awful but your mum doesn't sound much better. You need to step in. You and your DH need to agree what you are happy/not happy with for this baby and enfirce that with both sets of families.

As for going to your in laws with you - instinctively, that sounds ridiculous to me. Your Dh shoudl be able to support you.

Seriously, move back to your own home and stop letting other people run the show.

maybe also have a chat with your doctor about your own recovery- if you’re still immobile after a month it might suggest something isn’t right.

Sounds like everyone is trying to take control other than you and your husband.

move back to your own home, take a couple of weeks to find a routine for yourselves as a family of three then visit relatives but don’t listen to their “helpful” comments.

Yep, sorry but I agree with others here - this sounds way too claustrophic. There are too many people in the mix, and you need your own space to be parents in, setting your own rules and boundaries. MIL and SIL do sound rather overbearing - but at one level I can understand because so does your mum! It sounds very much like a competition that everyone else has declared, and you / baby are the object of it.

You had your baby a month ago and you still haven’t moved back home? Your in laws sound suffocating but so does your mum. She can’t just invite herself over to their house. You and DH need to learn to advocate for yourselves with both sets of parents and probably look to move back home by now

also I agree with a pp- it’s not normal to be immobile still a month after a c section. Has your dr advised what the issue is? I have had 2 and after the second was back driving after a month and out and about with toddler and baby so was v mobile by that point

Why are you still living at your parents a month later? Many many women have babies whose husbands work full time but do not move in with their parents.
Both sets of mums sound bonkers to be honest, you need to move back home and start being responsible for yourself. Your DH has probably had enough living with his in-laws, and his parents are probably feeling pushed out because they will be feeling that the baby is going to know your parents better than them. And so the madness starts.

Seriously, move back home and set some boundaries.

@Brainded i realise this now... we are planning to look for a place once im recovered. Unfortunately, i suffered a traumatic injury during my third trimester which is making my recovery pretty drawn out. We're hoping to leave next Spring

You need to move back home, a month is too long.

You need to be a grown up and move out. This is fucking ridiculous and you're a loon to allow it from your mother and his.

The longer you stay at your parents house, the longer it will take for you and your h to learn how to be a parent. The ILs and your parents are being very controlling and over dramatic. For example you describe your mum’s reaction to offering baby water as something shocking when it was the official advice at one time. She suggested water not whisky lol

Your post is full ‘my in laws did this then my mum said/did that’, but nothing about what you and your husband have said or felt about any of it. The whole situation sounds suffocating. No-one else gets a say in how to raise a baby other than its parents. Your husband is wrong to lock himself in the bathroom with the baby but I’d be upset with the insinuation that he was incapable of looking out for you on a day trip. It sounds like living with your mum isn’t working out, so Id be looking to move back home and settle into life with your baby where you and your husband can learn to be parents without constant interference from all sides.

Can you move home and have your parents visit?

It’s very sad that baby is one month old and this is his first trip out of the house.

So you don't have your own place to go back to and you've just moved in with your mum. It's not temporarily for support and there's no 'back home'.

Christ.

It sounds like you need your incision checking because you shouldn’t still be immobile a month down the line. I really would contact your GP or midwife if you’ve not yet been discharged.

I honestly think both you and your husband need to grow up a little bit as it sounds like both sets of parents are trying to run the show. You are the parents now. Good on your mum for removing the nonsense in the cot and definitely do not give baby any water.

I don’t think taking your mum to your in laws is a good move, just make sure you stand your ground about how you are raising and caring for your baby. It sounds like you are doing a great job and are well informed. Time to find your voice and believe in your own ability. Your confidence will grow the more you face these types of situations.

Why spring?

it sounds like if you don’t move soon then you won’t have a relationship with your husband left. You need to get boundaries in place.

Haven't allowed anything have I, I've taken up for my H on countless occasions and have set boundaries but the issue is now between the two mums. As mentioned earlier, I'm bed bound due to a traumatic leg injury during my third trimes, we lived in a town with none of our family so myself and H both decided to move back to my mums because it would provide us with some relief (we thought) and easiest route for his commute to work. unfortunately, not everything goes to plan. We always had a set return date (March/April) in line with my doctors advice to move back home

Where were you living before you had the baby?

You need to tell everyone to back off. This baby has two parents, it doesn’t need five parents.

Your mum may be correct in terms of up to date safety/feeding/etc advice, but she sounds just as interfering and controlling as your in laws are being.

If you still need physical help, that’s fine. But reframe it first in your head and then out loud to everyone, “we’re fine and in charge and will make decisions for the baby”.

Dont be daft, I said first proper trip. He's taken walks to the park, cafes, supermarkets and around the neighbourhood.