Husband and Mum clashing over baby!

[CocoaCravings]

Hi everyone,

Me (25F) and my H (27M) recently moved in temporarily with my parents after having our first baby who's currently a month old due to me wanting family support as I had a scheduled c-section and my H works full time

From day one my mother and H have been clashing over how we raise the baby. There's some bad blood between the two, due to my MIL & SIL. Whenever the in-laws come over they'll make comments about how baby is underfed (baby is in the 77th percentile) or not cleaned properly. The last incident was when my MIL decided to bathe baby at mine and my SIL recorded the entire thing, my mum chimed in and ask they not record baby because it's invasive... this led to a fiery exchange. Now H thinks there is a power imbalance because we live at my mums! And my mum no longer trusts the in-laws. My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF and supplemented with formula when necessary, my mum was stunned by the suggestion. SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job. Also, they recently came over and customised baby's cot with bumpers and pillows - all of which my mum removed immediately due to concerns with SIDS. My H was extremely offended by this as his sister purchased these items (without my know-how btw).

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Hes antisocial and locks himself in the bedroom now with the baby

Any advice on how you'd approach being stuck in the middle between your mum and bonus family ?

This.

Taking bath photos - no.

Buying lots of dangerous bumper rubbish for the cot - hell no.

Saying give the baby to them to sort out because you're doing crap - fuck no!!

What was DH saying to all this batshittery? Surely he can't be agreeing with any of that? If he is that's probably why your mum wants to come with you, because she doesn't want to see her daughter bullied by these idiots and her son in law too wet to say anything.

No - it means naked. Check the legislation if you want. I'm surprised most posters don't know this is illegal

You all sound insufferable

The law relates to indecent images, not explicit ones. Indecent does mean they need to be of a sexual nature. At the mildest end of the range this child be suggestive poses but it's not going to be just nudity alone, especially if the context (ie baby in the bath) is totally unsuspicious.

I'd never send photos of my kids naked, it's not appropriate and you lose control, but like most others I have many pictures of them playing in the bath etc. Thats perfectly fine.

To those who are attacking me on my mothering and for my age... I had a c section barely a month ago and a serious leg injury. My body has been through more than I ever thought possible all in such a short time. Im a FTM and navigating all things parenting with my husband. Choosing to move in with my parents is not a sign of immaturity, it's a decision based on the reality of my needs at THAT time. I prioritised my recovery to be the best mother I can be. My husband's job involves 12 odd hour shifts. If accepting help from my parents is me "not coping" then so be it. Obviously now the living situation has become sour with my IL/H clashing so we'll be prioritising moving out soon as.

Its not fair on your DH. Imagine if you were living at his DPs? And you had to put up with his family?

I'd suggest you are risking your marriage and family unit if you stay much longer than another few days.

There must be a way to survive at home without all your family cloying around you?

I feel very sorry for your DH. He's stuck in the middle of all of this and being pushed from pillar to post.

The longer you stay, the more you risk the relationships of the whole family dynamic. Your DH will hate your family by the end. They'll hate him. You'll hate his family and so on.

Get out of there. ASAP.

Sadly? This isn’t a random happening! If you’re not happy about it, put a stop to it! Where are you when your partner has locked himself away with baby? Why are you letting your partner bully you? You sound very passive - and that’s no good for you or your baby. She needs you to advocate for her!

It sounds like you’re in a very difficult situation with your health and family, and you’re also getting a hard time on here from people who haven’t bothered to read your updates about your health. Well done for looking after your baby despite everything you’re going through yourself, that’s incredibly hard to do, so you and your h should both feel proud of yourselves.

It’s also hard being surrounded by such strong characters who all want to be involved and who don’t have a habit of respecting you both. It sounds like you and your husband need to take some time to work out and agree together what you do and don’t want for your baby, and then you’ll feel stronger together and can act as a team against all the interference and counter- interference.

Good luck. It’s tough, being new parents is always tough on a relationship, and you’ve both got all this extra stuff to cope with too. Hopefully you can look back at this time together and laugh about all the craziness, and it will make it feel even sweeter once you have your own place again and get your mobility back.

I completely agree with your mum about everything to be honest, the filming, the cot bumpers, his family sound horrible and critical of you as well.

I'd point out to your mum that she's causing you stress when she openly criticises dh's family though, because then dh gets upset and then you have to deal with him being annoyed. Then she might be a bit more tactful in future to avoid stress falling back onto you.

And I agree with pp's that when you move out again it should help things between your mum and Dh.

Sorry, I hadn’t read about the leg injury when I posted earlier. You have a lot on your plate. Your Mum is trying to help but to come with you to in-laws' house is taking it too far and will only cause further problems. Talk to her and ask her to tone it down, and talk to your DH and tell him he needs to stand up for you and tell his mother and sister to back off. It’s not their baby and unless the baby is at serious risk they should mind their own business. I'm sure they wouldn't have wanted their mothers-in-law or sisters-in-law interfering with the care of their own babies.

@BreatheAndFocus I really am trying to. I spend most my time in the bedroom too in my current due to health so you know. My family, my husband and baby are my priority. I have consoled him, apologised on his behalf etc etc. I've asked my mum to reel it in countless times. It's an issue between the two grandmas and my SIL. I just haven't got it in me to referee grown ups at this point so I will be moving out soon as I can

Thank them all for their advice and tell them you will be following the recommendations of the midwives and health visitors as they have the most up to date info. It shouldn't be a clash between any of them. You as the mum should be informed on all the best practise and taking the lead.

I will be moving out soon as I can

I think that’s the only solution. Get yourself on Rightmove asap!

If we called a C section what it is - major abdominal surgery then maybe people would be less inclined to be so flippant about it. You’ve had major surgery, gone through pregnancy and a bad leg too. Some women can be so nasty instead of supportive, I find motherhood can be a competition to some and all the ya ya sisterhood goes out the window if they had a better time than you did. Same as the ‘pregnancy isn’t a sickness’ line that gets wheeled out by women who’ve had a simple pregnancy.

I hope it gets sorted for you. But you do need to assert yourself as Mother especially if you’re breastfeeding. Breastfeeding requires a lot of skin to skin to stimulate milk flow, not everyone else’s grabby hands all over your newborn trying to have their 5 mins of fame. Find your mother roar and bloody use it.

As a side note, it’s weird to film a baby in the bath who isn’t yours. Sorry but it is and I’d hit the roof.

Also, no water before 6 months:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/weaning-and-feeding/drinks-and-cups-for-babies-and-young-children/

A common misconception with breastfeeding is that baby is hungry or thirsty as they keep wanting boob. It’s normal and you should google ‘cluster feeding’ and maybe ask your HV for more breastfeeding literature so you’re armed to counter your MILS outdated and seemingly dangerous methods.

Oh I'm sorry that my post-surgery bedbound self isn't living up to your standards of motherhood. How terribly "wet" of me to let my husband and mum take baby while I'm quite literally recovering from being cut open and dealing with a leg that doesn't exactly work right now. Next time I'll limp around the house and make them all a cuppa with a newborn strapped to my chest t to prove I haven't "forgotten" I'm a mother...

But ta, thanks for the advice, really thoughtful.

God yeah the thoughts of trying to use crutches after my sections.

Some of these posts are unduly harsh on a woman who's adjusting to her first baby (a month in I didn't know what way was up) and recovering from a significant injury.

Well said.

Your MIL and SIL sound awful but you can't take your mum to visit them, that's really off. Go and advocate for you and the baby. Tell your DH ahead of time what your boundaries are.

I think the MIL and SIL are being entitled and unhelpful and it seems like your mum is a lot more up to date with baby safety and is actually helping in a way that helps you.
However, I think taking your mum is an overstep. It’s not going to do anything for family relations and the issue here is your husband not advocating for you at a time when you’re feeling vulnerable.
I think you need to have a conversation with your husband and explain why you felt you needed to take your mum, and that it isn’t necessary if he does X Y and Z. He needs to decide what he’s going to say in advance and anticipate them pushing it. If he cannot give you the reassurances you need then back to plan a.

I think it would be best for you, your husband and baby if you all moved back to your own place and raise the baby without anyone else. Thank your mum for her help, but have a couple of weeks without her, your inlaws or anyone else sticking their oar in.

I had an emergency c section under general anaesthetic and was paralysed down my left side.
Most people reciver from a c section within a few weeks and by 6 weeks you're basically recovered.
Letting everyone argue and shout about what to do for baby is why I say you've forgotten you're the mother, why is everyone else even having opinions just tell them what you're doing for your baby

It's an issue between the two grandmas and my SIL. I just haven't got it in me to referee grown ups at this point so I will be moving out soon as I can

Probably the best plan but if you need a break in meantime could you DH and baby do a weekend in hotel - not sure how mobile you are.

We had a prolonged stay due to house sale with DH family - and it was a huge strain trying to be grateful and easy house guests and not get undermined on parenting - we had few break in hotels with kids and a holiday I think otherwise we couldn't have coped.

I took to going to bed early as it was a huge strain - they aren't my family and it wasn't all comfortable to be around them or them me - we were all on best behavior.

Also we both found it hard with our parents constantly offering advice and helpful hints when our kids were babies - well meant but draining to be at end of - felt like constant fault finding.

You've obviously had a really tough time, and moving in with parents sounds like it was a really sensible decision - except that they all need to back off and let you do things your way.

Perhaps get them to sit down and explain that, while you are eternally grateful for their help while you've been so immobile, you'd like to be able to develop your parenting skills and independence. You'd like to be given the space to make your own decisions, without either set of grandparents offering unsolicited advice.