Husband and Mum clashing over baby!

[CocoaCravings]

Hi everyone,

Me (25F) and my H (27M) recently moved in temporarily with my parents after having our first baby who's currently a month old due to me wanting family support as I had a scheduled c-section and my H works full time

From day one my mother and H have been clashing over how we raise the baby. There's some bad blood between the two, due to my MIL & SIL. Whenever the in-laws come over they'll make comments about how baby is underfed (baby is in the 77th percentile) or not cleaned properly. The last incident was when my MIL decided to bathe baby at mine and my SIL recorded the entire thing, my mum chimed in and ask they not record baby because it's invasive... this led to a fiery exchange. Now H thinks there is a power imbalance because we live at my mums! And my mum no longer trusts the in-laws. My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF and supplemented with formula when necessary, my mum was stunned by the suggestion. SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job. Also, they recently came over and customised baby's cot with bumpers and pillows - all of which my mum removed immediately due to concerns with SIDS. My H was extremely offended by this as his sister purchased these items (without my know-how btw).

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Hes antisocial and locks himself in the bedroom now with the baby

Any advice on how you'd approach being stuck in the middle between your mum and bonus family ?

But there are various ways to settle them, including cuddling and rocking, putting in a ‘bouncy’ chair (I had a great vibrating one that calmed them), etc. I have 3 children and only one of them required actual walking round the house.

But that one did require walking around the house?

She said she can’t bend down atm

Live with your mum for help but you need to put boundaries in place for all of them .
It's madness.
You and your dh need to start taking control.
No bumpers and such in a cot . That's common sense.
And definitely don't let them take your child for a week.
But also don't let your mum come between you and your dh. The first year with a newborn is very hard on any relationship.

OP you know what I would do? I would ring my health visitor, for a start ,you do not need this stress as a new mum. Get your husband to find an apartment and sort it out and get the hell out of where you are. I am sure there is support on offer from the district nurses etc you could access to manage your baby in your own place. I appreciate this will be scary and trying but if you dont do this you are at risk of loosing your dh too. Get out, get a bungalow if needs must but you need to put on your big girl pants here. It sounds a horrible atmosphere to bring a baby up in as a new mum. I am sorry things are as they are but come on lovely get real for yourself,your dh and your baby. I wish you well

I had IL and DP who were very opinionated - it was difficult because they didn't see us as grown up parents and we had to enforce boundaries much easier to do as we weren't in their space but our own.

I think your DMum sounds like she is taking over - her role as Mum to you will be engrained and very natural to her but it's pushing your DH and you out - and IL - MIL and SIL perhaps feel pushed out more and are reacting worse - then you Mum is getting involve making your DH feel more pushed out.

I get you aren't very mobile and are stuck under your Mum roof but only you can change this dynamic you've set up.

Your DH clearly had enough of it - and you seem to be shrugging and playing little girl running to Mum's skirts crying everyone else is being mean to you making your Mum more protective and encouraging her to take over even more.

Easier way to re-set dynamic would be moving out - but if you can't yet do this for physical reasons then you need to find a backbone and a voice and make clear you and DH are the parents here. If you wait till spring you may well have serious ongoing problems in all your relationships.

It's difficult because it sounds like your husband isn't really on your side with this, so I understand why your mum wants to go too.
Your MIL and SIL do sound very controlling. The idea of taking the baby for a week is very worrying and inconsiderate and frankly ridiculous. Out of the question. A baby should be with their mother at all times.
What is your opinion on all of this?
I feel like it would be best if you moved back home, and have people visit. Then it's on your timeline. But your husband needs to advocate for you.
If you're not happy with how relatives are treating your baby, you must speak up. This is your baby.
Obviously do not give the baby water.

Your mom is trying to help you, she's a mom and is concerned for you especially after the actions of MIL & SIL. How dare they bath your baby and film it - and suggest taking it away from you to get the baby sorted. And how dare they criticise the weight and cleanliness of your baby. Why did your DH not throw them out the house? I'd be doing real mamma bear if someone was treating my daughter like this. She's absolutely correct regarding he bumpers in the cot by the way

To be frank it doesn't appear to me as if your DH is advocating for you against his mother which is why your mother is stepping in. I could be wrong. I think you need to have conservations with DH regarding his families boundaries

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Why don't you trust your husband? It is absolutely inappropriate for you mum to invite herself along and it speaks volumes about how your mum perceives your husband, and how you seemingly are not bothered by it.. he is right to be incredibly upset by the insinuation that he will allow his child to come to harm, cheeky cow.

You need to grow a backbone here I'm afraid, your mum is absolutely right to advise you about sids and some of the other things that the in laws don't seem bothered by, but it is NOT HER PLACE to tell them not to video her, or override their decisions, it is YOURS and YOUR HUSBANDS duty to look after your child and deal with any issues of safety that the in laws are instigating, it's difficult because she is doing you a massive favour but she needs to back off with regards to the in laws and you need to step up and handle them better.

If you don't trust your husband not to advocate for your baby then you will always have problems with the in laws.. no matter where you live.

Please tell your mum to stay at home and let you and DH take your baby to his parents house for the afternoon

Seriously please let your MIL have some time with her grandchild without your mum there interfering

I'm with your mum on this.
Your ILs are suggesting outdated and even dangerous things, and suggesting you leave the baby at theirs for a week is bat shit crazy.

You don't have a mum vs husband issue. You have a husband & IL issue.

But presumably she can sit in a chair and hold baby? She’s got a bad leg, she’s not totally incapable.

BUT I do not mean that the baby goes to stay with them without you or your DH

just that mil gets some time to bond with the baby WITHOUT your MUM interfering

Unreasonable to take mum to visit inlaws. She gets plenty of time with baby. Your dh probably wants some time with his own family and break from your mum too (although very generous of her to let you stay there).

Ignore any criticism let gran (mil) and aunty (sil) feel included for the visit. Even if they have opinions other than changing a nappy or feeding a bottle what can they actually do that your mum needs to advocate for you?

Exactly. Mothers who use wheelchairs have special equipment if needed and are shown ways to do tasks comfortably and safely.

That’s 6 months away! Jeez, how on earth will you stand it for that long?!

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Your Mum being worried is understandable - but your allowing her to undermine your DH and assume the worst of him is going to cause long term damage to your relationship - and frankly encourage your DH to think his family are more right as you set up this us vs them dynamic.

You role here is to say - it's lovely Mum you want to support me but I will look after myself and speak up - and DH will look after me any problems we'll leave. I'll probably be very tried afterwards so if you could help DH then I'd be really grateful.

I don't think you Mum is deliberately causing problem but she been Mum for decades now and its an ingrained role and you aren't giving her cues that you are now a Mum and you are an adult and you can handle this. Plus you are telling your DH that frankly you don't trust him and what he want is less important than what your Mum wants then wondering why he's upset.

Frankly the problem with all this mess you -you not stepping into new Mum role and yes your situation make that harder - but not impossible,

Your mum sounds lovely and in-laws interfering and wrong. You sound like you made the best decision in the circumstances but that has now backfired due to others being unreasonable. I hope it improves.

As someone who suffered a traumatic spinal injury at 25, do not wait until spring to find your own place. Start looking now and aim to move out within a few months. At this age you’re a healing machine and will likely surpass their estimates. It sounds like your marriage is in jeopardy if you stay and the longer you let your mum take the lead, the harder it will be for you to reassert yourself. You, your husband, and the baby need your own space.

recently moved in temporarily with my parents after having our first baby who's currently a month old due to me wanting family support as I had a scheduled c-section and my H works full time

Reading the thread-I thought that ‘moved in temporarily’ would mean you are staying for a week or two! So, actually, you have given up any sort of accommodation and now live with your parents??

This is so claustrophobic on all counts!

We always had a set return date (March/April) in line with my doctors advice to move back home

You are seriously planning to stay in this situation until Easter?! I think for the sake or your sanity and your marriage, you need to move out in the next few weeks. Find a ground floor flat or a bungalow to rent.

If you were in your home, with your mil and sil demanding to sort your baby out, trying to feed a potentially underweight baby water, filming the baby undressed, and your dh was huffing about you taking the cot bumpers off and prioritising SIDs research over his dsis’ feelings, the advice would be to go home to your dm until you were recovered.

Your sil and mil sound rude, obnoxious and ignorant. I would suggest you stop inviting them to visit in your dm’s house.

Then tell your dm to let you and your dh handle his family, and make it clear to dh that he needs to step up, and that includes getting himself informed on current health advice.

Don’t bring your dm into their house. It will be easier for you and dh to hold boundaries if there isn’t a granny war going on around you.

keep them separate. If that means mil and sil don’t see baby as much, that’s just how it is for now. If dh wants to change that he needs to seriously step up, get a home sorted and be competent and capable as a husband and father. But for now mum’s and baby’s welfare takes priority

If you are thinking of moving back to your city in the spring, that's about 6m away. As a compromise why don't you look for a flat in the same city as your parents where they can pop over in the day, drive you about it needed, but also gives you some space and time to learn to be a mum without anyone taking over.

Newborn is the easiest age to be immobile, especially if baby is breastfed. They can't run away from you and her into dangerous mischief. Yes, some are soothed by being paced but that doesn't mean it's essential.

No one should be taking your baby for a week. No one should be insisting on anything. Your mum shouldn't be accompanying you and your husband to your in laws. That's massively overstepping. They are ALL treating you both as children rather than the baby's parents. Whether that's because they are overbearing or because you are being passive about it doesn't really matter - what's important is that this stops now. You seize back control and you and baby's dad become the primary carers. If that means parenting from your bed or hobbling round on crutches what your husband leaves you a packed lunch, then it's only temporary.

Your in-laws are overbearing, but you don’t live with them, your DH had to live with your mum who is equally overbearing.
Wanting to chaperone you on a visit to your in-laws when your DH us with you is nuts and I can totally see why that would bother him.

To be fair to your mother, literally everything your MIL/SIL have tried to do is either pretty invasive or downright dangerous assuming your baby is under 6 months? My suggestion would be to push back yourself on these things - you shouldn’t need your mum to do that for you.

This is weird. Why does your mum seem to be the baby’s mum in this situation? Why is she getting involved on your behalf? She shouldn’t be telling MIL what to do, no - of course that will cause tension. If something bothers you then speak up. It’s not your mums baby