Husband and Mum clashing over baby!

[CocoaCravings]

Hi everyone,

Me (25F) and my H (27M) recently moved in temporarily with my parents after having our first baby who's currently a month old due to me wanting family support as I had a scheduled c-section and my H works full time

From day one my mother and H have been clashing over how we raise the baby. There's some bad blood between the two, due to my MIL & SIL. Whenever the in-laws come over they'll make comments about how baby is underfed (baby is in the 77th percentile) or not cleaned properly. The last incident was when my MIL decided to bathe baby at mine and my SIL recorded the entire thing, my mum chimed in and ask they not record baby because it's invasive... this led to a fiery exchange. Now H thinks there is a power imbalance because we live at my mums! And my mum no longer trusts the in-laws. My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF and supplemented with formula when necessary, my mum was stunned by the suggestion. SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job. Also, they recently came over and customised baby's cot with bumpers and pillows - all of which my mum removed immediately due to concerns with SIDS. My H was extremely offended by this as his sister purchased these items (without my know-how btw).

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Hes antisocial and locks himself in the bedroom now with the baby

Any advice on how you'd approach being stuck in the middle between your mum and bonus family ?

Where were you living before? Any chance of returning there because I don’t think any of you are going to be speaking to each other by spring, well, those of you who survive the inevitable massive bloodbath fallout that is brewing, and such a toxic atmosphere will be picked up by the poor baby.

@CocoaCravings you actually gave up your home to move in with your mother?????? are you for real or just crazy????? as for waiting for spring, you need to move out now! get your act together, get a new place arranged and just move!! no more visitors until you have got into your routine with your baby! remember, this is not your mothers baby or your mil's baby!!!

OK, so I see now from your updates why you moved in with your parents, but you have no end in sight yet and I guess that is a problem in itself.

Are you currently shopping around for a place to move into? Getting the wheels in motion there? I would be if I possibly could.

Personally, I think your MIL definitely oversteps the mark taking over so much with the baby when visiting you in your parents' house. Your mum too is rather overbearing (though definitely right about the cot bumpers) so they don't and won't get on.

It's not a sustainable arrangement and I certainly wouldn't want it to continue for the next six months if there was any possibility of avoiding that.

Ok with leg issue you need support whilst your DH is at work.
I'd be inclined to set boundaries with your mum, but also get your DH to set boundaries with his mum and SIL, as for the 'I'll take him for a week and sort him out' I'd have thrown her out!! Cheeky cow!!!
Your mum and it's your rules, bumpers have been no go for years - everyone knows this! If nothing else they can go on the wall, just away from anywhere near the baby - they're a waste of money
Good luck, I've had a knee trauma for 6 months so feel your helplessness!

Did you miss the bit where she said she'd had a traumatic leg injury?

You need to move to a place of your own ASAP. Spring is too far away.

I understand you need some support whilst you're injured. I think having 1 person come to you for a while each day to help would work alot better than all being together and everyone piling in with "help" all the time.

You need to tell them all to back off. Especially the SIL who thinks it's ok to take your baby for a week! Good God no.

You are your baby's mum. Your DH is baby's dad. What you both say regarding baby is what happens.

Take your baby and go home. You do not need other people sticking their oar in.

You and your dh need to move back home and tell everyone to butt out, you'll raise your child the way you see fit and if you want advice you'll ask. Get it sorted now before it gets worse.

Sorry but you sound as if you are 16, not 25. It is your baby and his/her cot, feeding and everything else are up to you, not grandparents (though your mother is right about pillows etc.)

As others have said, you should be practically recovered from your C-section by now - if you aren’t, see your doctor urgently. Go back to your own home and set up your own routines on bathing, feeding etc. Get your DH to support you in saying to both sets of grandparents that they can offer their opinion if you want them to, but the final decision on everything is yours and your husband's. They have absolutely no right to touch the cot or give the baby a bath or anything else like that unless you ask them to. Speak politely but firmly and tell them so. Stand your ground and put some boundaries in place now or you will be suffering from interference for many years to come.

I think you are getting a really hard time here without reason. It totally makes sense you moved in with your mum in your situation, it sounds like such a tough time with your injury and c-section and you are still much younger than many first time mums. Some of these responses are so harsh! Your baby is also only 1 month old so you are still new to this!

I think you need to speak with your husband and agree that you are a team and that you will put on a united front and make decisions together. Maybe acknowledge that you understand he feels your mum is getting to play a bigger role but that is due to the circumstances.

Don't take your mum with you, that would definitely make it worse and will undermine your husband. If the in laws make daft suggestions, try not to criticise them and ask your mum not to either as it will likely make your partner defensive. So thank them for their efforts and then, only if necessary explain why you are doing something different (in many cases you can probably just smile and ignore). However, do stand up for yourself if they make suggestions such as taking him for a week to 'sort him out' (so insulting and batshit) and maybe explain to your husband how that makes you feel.

It is not acceptable that your partner is locking himself in a room with the baby away from you.

Wishing you well with your recovery and the situation ❤️

You need to work this out without either side tbh. People can support by picking up and dropping off laundry/ironing and cooking for you. Unless you physically can’t move I wouldn’t have thought it’s constructive living with anyone.

The sooner you present as strong and confident in how you are raising your child, no one will be able to chime in - from either side.

sets of grandparents will always do things to varying degrees and the other “side” might view this as wrong, so don’t expose them to it? It’s no good for their relationship - if you want them to have one / be around eachother.

Your DH needs to be advocating for you too. It’s totally unreasonable for anyone to declare a baby is so filthy they leap in and bathe them unless they had just done a huge poo everywhere perhaps?

and anyone offering to take your baby for a week is absolutely bay shit and frankly I wouldn’t let them see us. Do they have a history of being overbearing?

Looks like nobody can be bothered to read today OP...

Moving in with your parent sounds like the right thing whilst you're recovering from both a section and a serious injury. Making a plan to move out for as soon as you're able is probably best though, although I'm not actually sure your Mum is wrong here.

Your MIL and SIL sound bonkers and not in a harmless way. Your Mum sounds like she's trying to advocate for you and baby and it's going to be hard for her to ignore things that are happening in her house. Why hasn't your DP spoken up to say no to the water, bathing them, cot bumpers and the suggestion they take baby for a week? You probably need to have serious words with him.

I wouldn't take my Mum to my MIL if they were clashing though and probably best they don't come to your Mums too if you can arrange to meet them elsewhere.

If in laws told me they are going to take DS to 'theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job' they would become the people who never see my child.

Your DH can have a relationship with his parents as she is his mam but you are your child's mam and need to protect your own kid.

This all sounds so suffocating and there’s too many people involved. Can’t you just move back to your own house, assuming you have one, and ask for help from mum/in laws as and when you need it?

Your MIL and SIL definitely sound like they’re overstepping the line with the filming in the bath etc but I can understand why your DH doesn’t want your mum going over to the in laws as well for the day out. Why is that necessary? This is yours and DH’s baby and I can see why he’s getting irritated tbh.

You need to put your foot down with both sets of relatives.

You are the parents. You make the decisions.

How you did not tell SIL to fuck off for that comment I do not know.

Ok so your husband and baby are not your "bonus" family - they're your family. You're a married mother now, so your mother is the extra here.

Your mother is not your baby's parent, so she doesn't get to dictate anything. But your husband is the baby's parent and so needs to step the fuck up - no parent of a newborn should think cot bumpers are safe. Has he done no reading on raising a baby? Safe sleep guidelines are New Baby 101.

You shouldn't need to advocate for your baby vs your ILs, your DH should be doing that for you.

How traumatic is your leg injury that you can’t look after your own baby? You say you’re bed-bound but later say you can get round on crutches. If you can, then surely you can look after your own baby? It’s not as if a month old baby is going to give you the run round! Most early baby care is in the house - lots of sitting down feeding, changing nappies, cuddling, etc.

You need to get your own place. You both sound quite immature, being so involved with your parents. You’re the parents now. Your mum could visit for a couple of hours every day/a few times a week, depending on distance to help with more difficult tasks (difficult due to your leg) if needed.

As for your MIL and SIL, they sound ignorant, but I can understand why your partner is pissed off - because you’re at your mums. Get your own place asap.

There isn’t “a power imbalance” your mum is doing your husbands job and standing up to these quite frankly bonkers women.

This was my impression as well. Leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him “sorted out”? No chance!

Ignore anyone telling you that you should be getting on (as long as there’s no medical side effects that need addressing).

After a horrific pregnancy where I was bed bound and had an emergency C section, it took me about 6 weeks before I could walk down the street.

But I would move back home and have mum visit you. It changes the dynamic if it’s your own turf. You need to get a grip and advocate for yourself as the Mother.

Hes antisocial and locks himself in the bedroom now with the baby

What? He locks himself in with your newborn? Who is also breastfed?

Looking after a newborn often involves walking lap after lap after lap of the house trying to settle them. I think it would be really really hard to look after a newborn on crutches, and I think it's fair enough that OP is getting help.

Another one who missed the bit about OP being in a leg brace and barely mobile!

I also can’t understand people who think newborns should be mixing and subject to an array of germs as soon as they’re born.

Mothers also need time to recover. Gees.

You need to rethink your plans. Move out and get help in with cleaning and childcare if needs be. Hard to imagine how you are going to rehabilitate and get used to motherhood in present circumstances otherwise. How do you get to appointments, is it really going to be 6+ months before you can manage alone?

Get out of there now.
They are all being invasive.