Husband and Mum clashing over baby!

[CocoaCravings]

Hi everyone,

Me (25F) and my H (27M) recently moved in temporarily with my parents after having our first baby who's currently a month old due to me wanting family support as I had a scheduled c-section and my H works full time

From day one my mother and H have been clashing over how we raise the baby. There's some bad blood between the two, due to my MIL & SIL. Whenever the in-laws come over they'll make comments about how baby is underfed (baby is in the 77th percentile) or not cleaned properly. The last incident was when my MIL decided to bathe baby at mine and my SIL recorded the entire thing, my mum chimed in and ask they not record baby because it's invasive... this led to a fiery exchange. Now H thinks there is a power imbalance because we live at my mums! And my mum no longer trusts the in-laws. My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF and supplemented with formula when necessary, my mum was stunned by the suggestion. SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job. Also, they recently came over and customised baby's cot with bumpers and pillows - all of which my mum removed immediately due to concerns with SIDS. My H was extremely offended by this as his sister purchased these items (without my know-how btw).

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Hes antisocial and locks himself in the bedroom now with the baby

Any advice on how you'd approach being stuck in the middle between your mum and bonus family ?

Your mum isn't wrong about her criticisms of the inlaws' behaviour (water, filming, fluffy things in the crib, etc), but it isn't her place to stand up for the baby. It's yours, OP.

And your husband needs to back you against his family who is wrong in these matters.

You missed the bit they don't have a home then.

But if she had no family like a lot of people to rely on she would cope. Any adults who break their leg or have surgery etc don't end their tenancy and move back to their mums for 6 months. She has a husband, her mum can visit, I'm sure she has friends who can also help out.

It all sounds way too much. Not sure why you needed to move back in with your parents. In the real world we just cope, that's what being a parent is. I lost the use of my leg after a traumatic labour after having my third DC. Husband worked away and still I coped, just slower than normal. This atmosphere will be unsettling your DC and won't do anything for your marriage. Move out for the sake of your own little family.

It's nothing to do with any of them. SILs comment about having baby for a week to sort them out. Hope it was a joke. So patronising if not.

You need to stop being so passive. Move out and let them visit when you need the help.

Sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Will your husband look after you & the baby, stand up to his mum if necessary?

If not then take your Mum.

Re the baby being filmed in the bath-presumably you & your husband weren't around to tell them not to?

The stuff in the cot-did she literally chuck it out in front of them?

Why not leave it for you/your husband to do?

Or were they about to put baby in the cot & leave them?

Honestly, my "kids" are a similar age to you & your husband & the no pillows was a thing for them!

And guidelines for water was not under 6months iirc.

ETA
SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job.

WTAF???

They sound dangerous!

You need to get your own place again asap and see if your Mum can come round for an hour or two during the day to help you. Go to your ILs without her, it's just inviting another argument if she's there.

@CocoaCravings your in-laws sounds like nightmares but on them filming your baby in the bath - that's actually illegal!!!! Possessing any image or video of an under 18 naked can get you prosecuted. I can't believe they think that's appropriate re baby's privacy - it's literally against the law

This.

I also find it very concerning that your DH is locking himself and the baby away?! Is he stopping you from seeing baby?

Is this really the case? I'm sure 1000000s of parents have photos of their child naked as a baby

My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF

This terrified me to read. I didn’t expect to be on your mums side at all, but after reading this I 100% am. You do not give babies water. They get all the hydration they need from milk, whether that’s breast or formula. The fact that your baby is breast fed is irrelevant. Giving water to babies under 6 months is dangerous, it puts them and their tiny kidneys at risk of water intoxication and nutrient loss.

Don’t even get me started on the bumpers 🤦🏻‍♀️
My child is 18 and even I know you don’t put bumpers and pillows in a cot.

Your MIL sounds like she’s from the bloody dark ages, she literally hasn’t a clue how to care for a baby.
Yes your mum IS being overbearing (but from I’ve read, I can’t really blame her-she clearly knows what she’s doing and she’s terrified of the danger your clueless in-laws keep putting your baby in) Your DH needs to grow a pair, listen to you and tell his DM and sister to keep their interfering noses out!

Yes - it's even illegal if a child has a naked image of themselves, which is a mad quirk of the law.

But yes, these in-laws aren't the parents so they don't have any defence. They could definitely be prosecuted for it

Your Mum knows her stuff and the in-laws are awful and giving dangerous advice. Your Mum wants to go to theirs to protect you and her grandchild from their damaging disrespectful attitude to stop either of you coming to harm because your husband won't protect you! Your poor Mum and you need to have a serious word with your DH.

No it's not.

If you're saying such a daft thing then can you please prove it by linking to the relevant legislation.

It is. Here's the relevant legislation - which you can find by Googling. Explicit is any image of a naked under 18

It's a criminal offence to create or share explicit images of a child. However the law is intended to protect children and not criminalise them. If sexting by a young person is reported to the police, they will make a record but depending on the circumstances they may decide not take any formal action.

Practise the phrase ‘thanks for your advice but we’re happy with what we’re doing’ and don’t engage.

YOU are the mother, they are the grandparents.

Is your mum right and you wouldn’t advocate for yourself at their house? Then I’d say you have a DH issue as he needs to ensure you’re well and comfortable and if he won’t you’ve got bigger issues.

You and DH need to be a team, not closing sides

Is it possible to get a place near your mum and easy for yoyr husband to get to work? Then your mother, mil and SIL can all help by shopping, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking. You can look after your baby and all these super interfering helpful relatives can do all the heavy work.

This isn't entirely true...

If a baby is formula-fed, they can be given small sips of cooled, boiled water however this should only be as a means to ease things like constipation.

This was the advice to me from 111 when my DS was under 6 months and very constipated. When I questioned them, they said 'formula is made with water, it's ok'. And it was. But must be done cautiously.

Lol, so google not the actual legislation then 🙄

I can't say I'm surprised.

Explicit in this case means sexually explicit. Being naked is not the same as being sexually explicit, especially as a child.

They want to take OPs baby from her how are they 'better'?

SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out"

Thank you!❤️
@Heavier
@itsjustbiology
@Ames74
@Susi764
I really appreciate the confidence booster! I'm still learning and it's been curve ball after curve ball. It all sounded better on paper, but absolutely agree we'll be house hunting sooner rather than later.

I think you and your DH need to stay in your on place and everyone else need to back off

Exactly, being told to do it sparingly, under medical guidance, to ease a medical condition, is worlds apart from giving a 4 week old baby water “because she’s thirsty”
The reason MIL gave is very dangerous territory.
Water intoxication can easily lead to hyponatremia in a newborn. The survival rate in a healthy adult is as low as 50%

Sorry, for those who asked about my husband and baby locking themselves away. Whenever baby needs food, I'm there always. It's just sadly, he no longer interacts with my parents as much nor spends time in the lounge.