Husband and Mum clashing over baby!

[CocoaCravings]

Hi everyone,

Me (25F) and my H (27M) recently moved in temporarily with my parents after having our first baby who's currently a month old due to me wanting family support as I had a scheduled c-section and my H works full time

From day one my mother and H have been clashing over how we raise the baby. There's some bad blood between the two, due to my MIL & SIL. Whenever the in-laws come over they'll make comments about how baby is underfed (baby is in the 77th percentile) or not cleaned properly. The last incident was when my MIL decided to bathe baby at mine and my SIL recorded the entire thing, my mum chimed in and ask they not record baby because it's invasive... this led to a fiery exchange. Now H thinks there is a power imbalance because we live at my mums! And my mum no longer trusts the in-laws. My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF and supplemented with formula when necessary, my mum was stunned by the suggestion. SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job. Also, they recently came over and customised baby's cot with bumpers and pillows - all of which my mum removed immediately due to concerns with SIDS. My H was extremely offended by this as his sister purchased these items (without my know-how btw).

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Hes antisocial and locks himself in the bedroom now with the baby

Any advice on how you'd approach being stuck in the middle between your mum and bonus family ?

I’m sure the OP can speak up, but it would be very stressful for her being immobile and watching her MIL and SIL taking baby out of the room - to do who knows what. It sounds like the OP’s husband is a wet blanket as far as his family are concerned, so I wouldn’t rely on him to step up.

I have read the thread all the way through.
Either OP doesn't like confrontation and is bed bound and crippled by surgery that happened a month ago OR nobody does anything with her baby without her say so.

She also has a leg injury or did you miss that when you weren't reading the rest? She's trying really bloody hard. Give her a break.

MIL is most definitely not right!!! Can’t believe there aren’t more comments highlighting how dangerous this is!

@CocoaCravings babies under 6 months should not be given water to drink (except under medical supervision). Babies get all the fluid they need via their milk. Their stomachs are so small that giving them water fills them up and prevents them from taking in milk which has the nutrients and calories they need. Giving water can also cause water intoxication which is life threatening.

People will say well I did it and all my children are fine - this is survival bias, just because it didn’t cause harm in those babies doesn’t mean it won’t for others. Much like we now know crib blankets and bumpers are dangerous and should not be in with the baby. When you know better, you do better. Stand up to your in laws, tell your DH to pull is head in, your mother is supporting you in a time of real need while he can’t, he should have your back, not be taking sides between mothers.

I can see why your mum thinks you need her support to visit in laws - she’s worried they’ll hurt the baby with their outdated ideas, your husbands lack of action and your physical vulnerability.

Don't be ridiculous. Images of CSAE are just that, images created for the purposes of sexual gratification.

99% of parents have photos and videos of their child's first bath and other occasions where they are naked, there is nothing whatsoever illegal about that unless the images are intended to be sexually provocative.

You are parents now. So you need to be the parents now. Your in laws (and frankly your dh too) sound like complete idiots. But why are they giving you so many opinions and why is your mum sharing all hers. Do YOU think it’s invasive to record your baby naked? Then YOU speak up. Or don’t if you don’t. It’s not your mums place. Yes you’re tired and recovering and she can back you up in what you say, but she shouldn’t be the one stepping in.
Do you want your mum to go with you? Did you want your mum to remove the bumpers? Tbf i do agree with everything your mums saying but that’s not the point, the point is you need to figure out what you think.
You both sound completely passive to your own parents, and that’s your conflict. It’s not between the mums, it’s between you and dh.

Oh do read the OP's posts.

Why is your husband not standing up for you against his parents? He seems feisty enough when it comes to your mum?

does he not have equal concerns about his mum and sister’s horrendous understanding of safety? It actually sounds like they aren’t very bright as a family😩. Does your husband need some parenting classes? And a backbone maybe?

Op did you and/or dh attend any antenatal classes or did you miss out after the accident and relocation? Might he feel at a loss about what is right for your baby and to defend your decisions?

I think this is a generational thing to be fair, my MIL was all about this when I had my DD, she kept bringing it up and I kept saying no, there's no need to give her water.

But she kept saying it, and saying they even gave it to babies in hospital on the ward in her day. She's a lovely woman and she never pushed it, but she was adamant it was okay and safe to do.. I said it may well be, but it isn't current guidance, especially in breastfed babies, breast milk is all they need, so I won't be giving it her, she shut up about it eventually!

I think this is a generational thing to be fair, my MIL was all about this when I had my DD, she kept bringing it up and I kept saying no, there's no need to give her water.

But her son is only 27.

It wouldn't have been the advice then.

Possibly 10yrs prior when she had her daughter?

It's so incredibly dangerous to be bedbound after a c section you need to be moving as much as possible, I understand you have a leg injury as well but you still need to be moving. Have you not been out of the house for a month?

What a shit show.
To be honest I don’t blame your mum for wanting to go with you as your MIL and SIL ideas of what the baby needs are bonkers and dangerous! You also have a big DH issue if he can’t see that and would rather put your baby in an unsafe situation than stand up to his family. I would be going low contact with them and do not let your baby alone with them!

She had a traumatic injury during her 3rd trimester and can't walk.

The OP had a traumatic injury to her leg during her third trimester and can't walk. That's why she needs extra help from her mum.

You are being extremely rude to the OP, I'm not sure why.

I'm guessing the medical team who operated on her and looked after her in hospital will have noticed she can't walk and advised her accordingly.

So does that mean that MIL and SIL can be as rude as they like and you can't answer back? Does your DH respect your mum? Is he also prohibited from talking back to his in-laws?

It must be hard to show respect to a MIL and SIL who have such dangerous ideas about looking after a baby, particularly as SIL doesn't even have kids of her own. Don't let them have your baby alone.

Normally, I would advise the OP to tell her mum to back off and let DH and OP handle the in-laws, but I’m reluctant to do that in this situation. The stuff the in-laws are doing is potentially harmful and dangerous to the baby. OP currently has physical limitations that can prevent her from intervening if the in-laws take the baby to another room. DH is unwilling to protect the baby because he doesn’t want to stand up to MIL and SIL. DH also seems unwilling to support his wife’s needs over the in-laws’ wants. Someone needs to be putting the baby’s best interests first and that person is OP’s mum.

My advice to OP is that she needs to sort stuff with her DH and get him prioritizing baby’s and her needs. He needs to educate himself on what is safe for baby and how to support OP as Mum. I would get him to couple’s therapy (over zoom if necessary) ASAP. Once in therapy, during a session, I would make an agreement with DH that I would make Mum back off only after he steps up.

OP’s mum shouldn’t go to the in-laws’, but neither should baby and OP until DH steps up. The in-laws shouldn’t be coming to OP’s mum’s house. Until OP is healed enough to move into her own home, visits with the in-laws should be in a public place like a cafe or park. Somewhere they can’t take baby far enough from OP to do anything harmful.

DH shouldn’t get away with claiming his culture dictates deference to in-laws when he can’t manage civility towards OP’s mum. OP has many years of parenting with DH and hopefully marriage to him. She needs to establish that she and DH make the parenting decisions and they equally enforce them with both their families of origin. They both need to ensure their families of origin treat their spouses with respect and civility.

I understand about the bumpers but we have a situation where our little boy started deliberately hitting his head hard on the side of the cot. So we did get tie on bumpers which have helped a bit

Hi all,

Quick update! Taking your advice and postponing the IL visit until I can actually move without assistance. Mums not coming along, and we've had a sit down about boundaries- she apologised and explained she meant no malice- my DH received it well.

As for the ILs, DH had a word with SIL and MIL about THEIR comments on our parenting. My MIL received it well and apologised but my SIL laughed it off claiming she raised him and their siblings so obviously she's got the right/experience. DH told her she can't be around us if she can't respect me and that shut her up nicely!

everyone questioning my recovery. As @BarbaraHoward pointed out, it really is a vicious cycle^ with my section recovery being postponed as I'm not able to get up moving. I will be seeing my doctor about my brace on the 29th so fingers crossed! ^
^
Thanks all^

Your MIL and SIL are dangerous. Why do they keep doing things that endanger the baby?!! And why is your husband just ok with this?

IDK, if it were me I’d rather the husband were out of the picture, and I’d raise the baby with reliable people (your parents, in this case).

Wow so because this was your experience she should be the same?! It took me 9 months to recover from my C-section, I could pick my baby up or bath him due to the flare I had in my body and constantly felling dizzy and faint, I had all sorts going on including thyroid issues and got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. You were lucky not everyone is the same, and I was in my 20s and my doc was useless

Congratulations on your new baby.
This should be a happy time for you and your husband. You must be feeling your pulled everyway.
I think everyone else is contributing to controlling you in some way, and it's making you doubt yourself. Which can't be helping with your recovery or confidence as a new mum.
Take control, you know what's best for your baby, and your baby just wants to be with you.
Don't bring your mum, just go for a while with husband and baby. Saves an argument with your husband. And you'll get a rest and some.peace when you get home. Remember he must be feeling unsettled, he's living at his in-laws with a new baby, trying his best, like yourself, but under the watchful eye of your parents, daily.
Start looking for a place, it'll give you both something to look forward too, look at nursery ideas and colur schemes, try save a bit while youre at your parents.
Get over the hump of Christmas New Year, then spring will be here in no time, and hopefully you'll have recovered.
Spring will be a beautiful time for your baby to be out and about.
Try talk and make a pact, not to argue over the family and always have each other's backs.
If you two are solid, next few months will be a breeze.
and things won't seem so stressful.
Best of luck x

I am so sad to read this. You sound as though you have had a nasty accident which may (or may not) have left you emotionally as well as physically scarred.
You then have had a baby and have put in a plan to ensure you are both cared for.
Your mother in law and sil do sound very strong willed and it seems as though your husband is a little sulky.
I am not surprised that you are asking for advice but I think maybe the answers on here are not constructive.
Are you due an appointment with your health visitor? They have usually heard it all before and are very good at separating the dubious advice from the good, if you have talked it through with a professional you may find it easier to put your point forward in a firm but non confrontational manner.