Husband and Mum clashing over baby!

[CocoaCravings]

Hi everyone,

Me (25F) and my H (27M) recently moved in temporarily with my parents after having our first baby who's currently a month old due to me wanting family support as I had a scheduled c-section and my H works full time

From day one my mother and H have been clashing over how we raise the baby. There's some bad blood between the two, due to my MIL & SIL. Whenever the in-laws come over they'll make comments about how baby is underfed (baby is in the 77th percentile) or not cleaned properly. The last incident was when my MIL decided to bathe baby at mine and my SIL recorded the entire thing, my mum chimed in and ask they not record baby because it's invasive... this led to a fiery exchange. Now H thinks there is a power imbalance because we live at my mums! And my mum no longer trusts the in-laws. My MIL also insists we feed the baby water because he's "thirsty" despite baby being EBF and supplemented with formula when necessary, my mum was stunned by the suggestion. SIL suggests we leave the baby at theirs for a week to get him "sorted out" cause we're not doing a good job. Also, they recently came over and customised baby's cot with bumpers and pillows - all of which my mum removed immediately due to concerns with SIDS. My H was extremely offended by this as his sister purchased these items (without my know-how btw).

Fast forward to today, we'll be going over to my MILs house very soon for baby's first proper outing and H wants it to be just us but my mum wants to come along too as I'm still pretty immobile and she doesn't trust I'll advocate for myself and baby at theirs. This has really upset my husband.

Hes antisocial and locks himself in the bedroom now with the baby

Any advice on how you'd approach being stuck in the middle between your mum and bonus family ?

If you are going to be there until Spring you need to set some serious boundaries otherwise your marriage is going to go down the toilet.
No wonder your DH is pissed off, your mum is basically saying she doesn't trust that he has your back and you need her there to look after you. You are 25 not 17, its ridiculous.

Why Spring? I understand you said you had injuries - can you not look after yourself at all or is your mum getting in your head telling you you need her. Do you......seriously? One month old babies are pretty easy to look after, its not like they can run off anywhere.

If I were you I would start looking now, Spring is another few months away, do you honestly want this situation to carry on that long?

Sounds like this baby isn’t being parented by anyone.

You’re the parents. You need to be parenting your own child. If you’re not capable of doing that a month in, then you need to go and see your GP and your HV to get some support.

This is all totally unnecessary. From both your mum and your in-laws.

Move back into your own house and begin setting boundaries for all of them. They can visit you there, assuming that they can behave themselves. If they can't behave themselves then they can't come, any of them.

I know you need support, but that can be given by your mum or anyone else you might choose visiting for a few days now and then. My mum did that each time I had a baby, and I had three.

There is no getting along between mum's on either side because you're not being a parent and saying you'll do what you like and everyone can back off. Everyone's fighting over parenting the baby because you're not. You don't have boundaries or this wouldn't be continuing and they wouldn't be welcome in your home or around your baby until they're told firmly that every single one need to back off unless you ask for advice.

@pinkyredrose we had our own apartment. My due date aligned with the end of our tenancy and due to my leg injury plus c section we made a mutual decision to move in with my parents until my doctor gave me the clear.

Thank you.

This ^^ you haven't moved in for support if there isn't another house to go back to, obviously this was always your intention but it sounds completely suffocating and like your mum is parenting you and your child to be honest.

There isn’t “a power imbalance” your mum is doing your husbands job and standing up to these quite frankly bonkers women.

I would under no circumstances leave the baby with these two idiots. They are the type to dress the baby in trainers bracelets and get their ears pierced.

Good for your mum advocating for you both. However, it should be your husband as well, bet he is a mummy’s boy.
Fwiw I’m in my 50s I never had all that shit in the cot either because of cot death risk. Only an uneducated moron would do that.

Do they have a nursery at their house yet! 😂 that will be the next one.

You BOTH need boundaries, now! You're 25 and 27, not 15!

This is YOUR baby. You are the parents. The opinions of your MIL, SIL and Mum are irrelevant.

MIL sounds completely irresponsible. It's your DH's job to stand up to her, not your Mum's. Why is it your Mum taking off the death trap cot set up when she's gone instead of you saying, "Thanks for the thought, but bumpers are a suffocation and strangulation risk and we won't be using them."

SIL needs to be told to butt out and watch her mouth.

@Procrastinates my intentions were to not overwhelm my husband by caring for a wife in a leg brace who also had a caesarean and a newborn. I thought this would be best but obviously now in hindsight I understand it was the wrong decision.

Firstly if you are still currently immobile following a c-section you need to see a GP. 4 weeks down the line you should be almost back to normal activities, not housebound and needing assistance for everything still.

Secondly, go back home so you and your husband can raise your child together, alone without all these other people involved. Unless there’s some massive drip feed that you’re only 16 years old or have multiple health conditions then you should be able to care for a newborn without all this unnecessary input.

Are you actually bed bound, or can you get about with a wheelchair or crutches?

It does sound as if your mother is right about your husband's inability to advocate for you with his family, if he was objecting to her chucking pillows out of the baby's cot and going along with nonsense like giving her water.

But you really just need to get back to your own place ASAP.

Your in-laws sound abusive, controlling and quite frankly dangerous to the health of your baby. You need to take action sharply to stamp this out immediately.

This sounds utterly overwhelming and stifling. You both need to show you are the parents and take charge. Tell your mum you are fine to visit and don't need her support with your inlaws.

@GoldenPheasant appreciate the advice here

I'm on crutches, I can get about at a snails pace yea much better than before. I just can't do stuff like shower, lay down all too well alone and bend over etc

They do, but it sounds like OP refusing to advocate for herself and her baby has given them way too much confidence to push their unwanted opinions on her. If someone had suggested I leave my baby with them to sort her out because I wasn't doing a good job, they'd find themselves on the doorstep with their coat chucked after them so fast their head would spin, and they wouldn't be invited back.

This is crazy. You need to go home and start asserting yourselves as the baby's parents, reserved than the weird suffocating set up you have.

You risk souring the relationship between all of you is you wait until spring.

Baby is yours and DH. You and he need to make the decisions for baby. For feeding, if you are BF that is enough. If he needs fluids put him to breast as much as possible. Only other thing is cooled boiled water so MiL is right about that.
Bumpers and pillows are a definite no no as can contribute to SIDS so SiL needs to be told that
Filming a bath - don't see anything wrong unless put on social media.
Your Mum has no right to go with you to MiL house. DH is right.
You are obviously quite vulnerable so best thing is for you and DH to talk things over and decide what you want to happen with baby then tell both mothers together and say non negotiable. And look for your own place soon.

If you don’t feel able to cope in your own place could you stay with your ILs? They sound a bit better.

You don't need all these people. You and your husband are enough to look after this baby.

Sounds a nightmare, you have my sympathies!

I really think you need to look into getting your own place asap - Spring is a long way off and this situation doesn't sound sustainable at all.

@MrsSunshine2b you're totally right. I'm trying my best here, but they're all really opinionated headstrong women and I'm non confrontational. Despite this, I'll have the final say he's my baby, it's just not respected. At the end of the day nobody does anything with my baby without mine and husbands say so...it's just the unwanted advice/criticism that's taking its toll...

We moved into with my in-laws for a while when my daughter was 4 months old due to my severe depression and her reflux and allergies.
My pil looked after us so that we had some bandwidth to look after our daughter.
You need a reset. Your mum is there to look after you and cuddle baby. You and hubby have full say on parenting. ILs are there for a change of scene and to cuddle baby.

Sorry but grow up and start looking after you and baby. Just go home. Plenty of women have kids and a x section and manage without this drama.

Oh OP. This sounds like an absolute nightmare. The bit that stuck out as most worrying was SIL and MIL thinking it was ok to suggest they take him to 'sort him out'. Who do they think they are?! I think you need to send a strong message to inlaws and your own mother to back right off. Staying at your mum's is good for some support but she can't be in charge and take over, that is not support.
The sooner you get back to your own place in the better. These people sound incredibly overbearing, take care of yourself.