MIL says I molly coddle my DC

[Stephanieava]

I think I just need a rant more than anything

The in-laws live abroad in Spain. Make little effort, a facetime call every 2-3 weeks or so

But on the last call my MIL had the cheek to say she thinks we molly coddle our DC (turned 2 in July). They started to have a tantrum on the call (edited by MNHQ) & i took a minute to correct them ‘I know you want some crisps right now darling, you can absolutely have some after dinner not a problem. Would you like them in a bowl or on a plate?!’ - you know that sort of redirection. Works an absolute charm everytime

Well MIL was just like ‘oh my god just say NO!!’

And then text my husband after the call to say we need to be firmer. She makes these kinds of comments on almost every call & it annoys me when I think… they abandoned my husband at 16 to move away to a council house hours away. Left him sofa surfing for 11 months. Now they’ve gone to live in spain cause it’s cheaper. Which of course they’re entitled to do

The thing is, our son wouldn’t know her if she passed him in the street. She has absolutely no idea what he is like

He is the kindest, sweetest, clever little boy. Who of course has the occasional melt down but we deal with it in the way we see fit

My mum also comments sometimes on the way we parent, thinks we’re a bit namby pamby so she says, but he is honestly an absolute dream. Knows he’s loved & feels safe. Something me & my husband both said we felt lacked from our own upbringings

Actually don’t know what the point of this is tbh haha but just felt like i needed a rant!

i’m a millennial (born 89) and just feel the older generations (not all, some are absolutely amazing) really judge us on the way we’re trying to do things now

Detach, detach, detach. Nod, smile, count backwards in your head, you have a lifetime of interfering ahead. And rant on here of course, perfectly fair!

So relationship so with them is pretty much entirely virtual?

ai wouldn’t give them another thought op and make yourself scarce when they call

oh and your dh could of course say something to them 🤷

Sounds like you're having phone problems for a while! What, no FaceTimes? What a shame!

Also, could you not use the redirection tactics on her? "Oh yes, what a good point. I'll remember that for next time! Oh do you remember the time when insert random thing"

oh

you’re the one with the twat of a dh

Depends if you never say ‘no’ to your DC then that isn’t great as they’ll think all they have to do is have a bit of a shout and they’ll get what they want.

Why did he tell you?! He should've shut that down and not burdened you.

I'd be telling him you're not putting yourself through these calls anymore.
Why are you even doing them?

”Did I ask for your opinion, Parent of the Year?”

Apologies, I totally missed the bit where they moved away and left DH at 16! Yeah, I’d just stop the calls, so they actually speak to your DS or just you/DH?

Well, hopefully they'll stay put in Spain, a nice long way away. And I think you'll find you're having problems with your wifi - it keeps cutting out in the middle of their Facetime calls...

Your mum says the same?

Why isn’t DH facilitating the calls? It seems a bit pointless and a waste of your DCs time to develop a relationship with people he doesn’t see.

My MIL told me I was being manipulated by DD. She was 3 weeks old. You just need to ignore these people.

I would have rolled my eyes so hard at the 'would you like them in a bowl or on a plate' tbh you sound a melt. Also yabu to use the word Paddy like that, bit racist.

"Mind your own business" is probably the best response to her. It sounds like she was hardly a mother of the year candidate.

That said, I think rewarding your dc, albeit in the future, for a tantrum is probably not the best approach.

You might also want to consider the poor example you are setting your dc by using racist terms like "to paddy".

It's nothing to do with the in laws they sound annoying.

But do you really never say no to your kids? Why would they have crisps after dinner? Can they have crisps after every meal if they want?

I'm wondering if you're sliding into permissive parenting here. It's really useful for sometimes just be able to say 'no, not today'. How is a teacher ever going to manage your child if they can't cope with the word no? Why do you feel you can't say no to them?

Argh please don't use the term 'paddy'.

1. ignore your in laws comments
2. don't avoid teaching your child the word No, make sure they know boundaries and that you are in charge.

thanks guys! No of course i don’t avoid saying the word no, when it warrants it & he’s being a bit of a turd I’ll absolutely use it 😂in all honesty he is pretty well rounded & we communicate very well with him, as he does us. So we tend to avoid massive meltdowns where tellings off are warranted. He’s just a chilled lad! The complete opposite to me as a child haha

The crisps after dinner thing was because I said earlier in the morning (after breakfast) that he could have some later that day, so was sticking to my word

It’s always the 3 of us on the FT calls, my husband did respond to her text & told her to behave

I wouldn't answer the FaceTime next time. Oops I dropped my phone down the toilet and my mic isn't working now will work for this.

If you worded it exactly as you said in your OP I’d have rolled my eyes too, why on earth would your ‘darling’ need crisps in a bowl or a plate after they’d already eaten dinner? That’s not redirecting that’s just giving unnecessary snacks after dinner, and sounds really wet.

@Changingplace you sound delightful! Because he wanted some & it wasn’t an issue for me that he had a small bag, just after his dinner… which he still demolished 👌

If those are your exact words then I agree with MIL. No further comment or I will get banned.

However there is no need for you to be on those calls anymore. It's for DH to facilitate, and he can choose to have DS with him or not. Be busy at those times in future, and if you aren't there then I suspect DH will start limiting those calls too.

I would also roll my eyes at plate or bowl too. I also agree with others that paddy is a really offensive term. Really interesting that although you say your mum thinks you are too soft too, you only direct your annoyance at your mother in law. That is very telling and reflects badly on you.

As far as MIL is concerned, just ignore her. It's none of her business and her views are completely irrelevant.

Or simply say that you have different parenting styles but since she lives abroad, she doesn't need to worry about it. Then move on.

When I read what you'd said to your son before I got to the bit when MIL said just say no, I was thinking in my head "for god's sake woman, just say no!". I am probably around your parents and MIL's age so I totally get why she said that.
However I probably wouldn't say it right out loud like that, but I would think it in my head, and at some other time mention it's perfectly ok to say no to a child, and you don't always have to give a reason or explain or cajole, no on its own is fine.
I have a very close relationship with my adult children and I know they've always felt safe and loved, despite me saying no quite a lot during childhood. You do sound a bit namby pamby to be honest.

Er What's wrong with a snack after dinner? 🤣