Husband bullying 4 years old daughter

[rabper]

Hi there,

Wasn't sure whether I should post in marriage/relationships or parenting but this mostly concerns my kids so I am wondering if another parent is going through a similar situation.

My husband has always been disrespectful to me. He has moments where becomes very mean and mostly he shows very narcissistic personality traits, eg belittling me and insulting me, calling me worthless, that I am nothing in front of him etc. We have been on verge of separation multiple times. He has periods of 1-2 months of peace (not a good relationship but just peace at home) followed by meltdowns, and the cycle goes on and on. We have been together 8 years and have 2 kids.

My elder one is 4.5 years old. She is a sweet and lively girl. He was OK to her until my second daughter was born. I really misread him and always thought at least he would be a good father. But he has started to BULLY my elder daughter since my second one was born. There is A LOT that happens but I will just mention things I can remember quickly on top of my head.

• If she does something of his disliking, he stops talking to her. Eg if he asks her to pass on something to him (and kids can be forgetful). Sometimes she's playing or doing something else and if she doesn't listen or delays, he would STOP talking to her. Even when she tries to call him multiple times, for few minutes, he would be sitting there scrolling on his phone and does not answer her, making her very upset and she starts to cry. It's almost a daily occurance.
• He bullies her by calling her cry baby all the time. I leave them for 10-15 minutes and I hear her screaming after a bit because of this.
• Sometimes he responds to her in a very mean way. Eg if she asks what are you doing daddy and he'd respond 'can't you see what I am doing' etc
• There are instances where he says to her 'don't try to be my mother', 'are you blind'
• He deliberately loves my 2yo in front of elder one, while not answering her, asking her to go away, I don't wanna talk to you etc etc that makes her cry even more

I can go on and on. What really troubles me is that she is really attached to him and can't even stay away, so she ends up going to him and then running back to me crying. We have had HUGE fights on this recently. He tells me not to come between them or interrupt. But I have said to him that it's my responsibility to protect my daughter so if you bully her, I would interrupt. And by interruption I don't mean that I argue in front of kids, but sometimes I just remove her from that space/take into another room, or I console her and tell her it's ok etc etc.

He says I am spoiling her by not being strict with her and I am not disciplining her. Which is not the case. I try to communicate boundaries in a firm but gentle ways. I don't think parents need to belittle or insult children especially when they have breakdowns or cry. Instead of consoling or calming her down. He becomes very aggressive with her.

He is very resentful and negative person who keeps grudges even with a 4 year old child. Who does that?
I can write many pages on things that he says to me and what not, but I wanted to know if any other parent has gone through the same situation and what did you do? He is extremely rude and can say very hurtful things to me and her both.

I am 36 yo. I have a good job (100k per year), I have over 110k invested in a house. But I am afraid that even if I separate, and lose my job, how will I take care of the kids alone in this economic situation? My company has been laying people off recently.

TBH I just wanted to shareout and hear from other parents if they are experiencing something similar? How do I protect myself and my daughter? We have talked about it, but he becomes very rude and aggressive. I have known him for 8 years and I know he will not change as this cycle has been going on for some time.

Can I ask why would you lose your job? That might impact the advice?

I would also be speaking to women’s aid to get some advice.

You need to leave him and protect your child. He’s a toxic c*nt who has clearly already damaged her (hence her attachment issues to him) and will damage her more. Get out.

You are doing both your daughters a massive injustice by staying in this marriage. The fear of losing your job is not a reason, most women who end up as single mothers are not earning that and they manage. Leave him, otherwise both your kids are going to be screwed up. Plus what do you think you are teaching them about relationships? Be a good role model to your daughter and leave your awful husband.

You protect your daughter by separating. This is a very very clear LTB situation. You even have a very well paid job! He is abusing your daughter and by staying you are complicit with the abuse.

How do I protect myself and my daughter?

You leave. You protect your daughter by removing you and her from this situation. You yourself have said he won't change. Don't give her more years of being miserable at home.

This is so heartbreaking. I felt so sad for your little girl reading this. No child deserves this and I fear it's really going to set her up for a lifetime of emotional damage if this continues. I think you know what needs to happen and you quite rightly suggest he won't change. I don't think anyone can unpick why your partner is acting like this but like you say it is bullying and it sounds like he derives pleasure from being cruel. Please do what you can to leave this man and protect your children. Document absolutely everything in terms of his behaviour in case you need to rely on it as evidence further down the line.

Sorry to read what is happening. I don’t think there is a solution apart from leaving

And, in the question of “what if” - you will handle it and figure out a solution even if your circumstances are tighter - and your DD will be much, much happier

how do you protect them? you leave him, that's how.

Then you model love, affection, kindness and care ALL the days they're in your care to make up for the crap they have to put up with during time with dad.

That's how i dealt with it. Mine are 18 and 15 and don't enjoy time at their dads, but its only 4 days a month, they're here the other 26/27 and safe, and loved, and respected.

You leave, that's how you protect your dc.

As far as your job is concerned, you buy/rent a smaller house and pay for a nanny or childcare. I was a single mum to 2 dc and it was hard, but I managed my career and to look after both dc.

Leave, note all the things he has done/said down, get a good solicitor so he will not ever be alone with her. What awful things for her tobhear from her dad. Don't teach her that this is acceptable behaviour

Protect your daughter, now. He is abusive, he is actively abusing her. Leave him, and take the children with you. Immediately. Put your children first.

Do the right thing, no matter how difficult it may be. It's very serious and you must stop your children being abused, you must put your children's safety and emotional wellbeing front and foremost. He's an abusive bully and you are enabling it to continue by taking no action. That poor little girl. And also it is damaging your younger one too, being the golden child. I really don't see any other option except leaving with the kids.

Our duty is to protect our children. He has failed that massively, but you don't have to also fail at that. Please leave and then deal with the fallout from a safe distance. Surround yourself with anyone who can help you, don't tell him anything, pack and leave.to anywhere, hotel, rent a place, stay at friends or family, anything would be better for your children than this mental torture.

I'm so sorry OP.

You need to make a plan to leave. I'm also a single parent and on a much lower salary than you, and we manage OK.

I really sympathise, we have 2 children but my exh clearly favours our youngest. It's awful.

How did separation impact your kids? Did you ever think it impacted their self esteem or overall?

I weep for your daughters. Why don't you?

That's not bullying, it's cruelty. Leave him.

Op. I can't even believe you need to ask how you protect her. He's emotionally abusing her. You either tell him to leave or you leave with the kids. No two ways.
The fear of losing your job should not be the determining factor of why you choose to stay with this abusive bully.

My friend describes her upbringing sounding just this. The deliberate silent treatment, sometimes would go on for days, the constant feeling of not being good enough, the playing off between siblings.

My friend who is a beautiful person suffered from alcoholism from the age of 16 - 45. She ended up in hospital numerous times. She has experienced set back after set back, poor boundaries with men included because she "just wants to be loved" she allows herself to be treated like crap.

Sorry but you need to protect your daughter from a future like that.

Please stop exposing your dc to emotional abuse. Protect them

How did separation impact your kids? Did you ever think it impacted their self esteem or overall?

It was difficult but staying with my husband would have impacted him a hell of a lot more......forever. 10 years on and he's fine and I know that had I stayed he would most definitely not be fine.

My god, Op. Why are you allowing him to openly abuse your child? What you do is kick him out or you leave with your kids. Your poor lg isn't attached to the "father" but sadly and tragically just trying to make him love/like her. It's disgusting that you watch on while he abuses her. If you stay with this vile specimen, she will be massively screwed up (as will her sister to a lesser degree) and she will blame you when she's older for not protecting her. If you stay with him, she'd be right. What happens if the cruelty and abuse escalates and/or he starts physically assaulting her? Isn't your instinct to protect your children?

I’ve been in this situation and please leave. You’re asking about the impact on your children? They’ll be happier, safe and feel so much more secure within them selfs.
Write every single thing and situation that’s happened down and keep it safe. Either go see a solicitor or wait and let him initiate contact. It’s been nearly nine months and my children are so much more happier and content. Money doesn’t matter it helps but your children’s happiness and childhood is in your hands. Men like that like to feel superior and won’t go up against an adult so they pick someone vulnerable so they go for a child who they can scare and intimidate and upset to feed their ego. It will only get worse

Your ‘D’H is a toxic POS. Bin him and run with your precious daughters.

My ds1 does have low self esteem but that's not necessarily related to the split. It may or may not be related to the favouritism.

My ds2 isn't affected as far as I can tell.

The only reason ds2 is happy going to his dads these days is because he has an xbox which the kids are allowed to play on for 12 hours a day. 🙄 Ds1 isn't fussed and never has been.

About a year ago I had to take ds2 to A&E in the evening to get his chin glued. Ds1 had to come with us. We had to wait ages so in the end I asked Ds1 who he wanted to come and pick him up so he didn't have to wait with us - gave him the option of his grandma (my mum), his dad, or a friend. He asked for his grandma. Says it all really.

I agree with what everyone else is saying, this sounds more like abuse than bullying and he’s clearly an abusive husband to you.

Obviously getting your children away from this man as much as possible so he does the least amount of damage is the priority here. But I think you need to consider the whole picture. What if he goes for 50:50 or resident parent? Then he has access to your daughter when you’re not even there to protect her. And nasty husbands rarely go through a divorce quietly and compliantly.

seeking advice from women who have been through the same thing will hopefully help you to navigate this as it seems like it needs to be carefully planned so you can protect your daughters as much as possible.

I would have thought that staying with a bully of a father would be far more harmful to a child's self esteem. Do you think he would want 50/50 care of the children? I mean really want it - he might ask for it initially, but do you think he would really want it? I ask because it would be best for your daughter to have as little time with her father without your presence as possible.