Husband bullying 4 years old daughter

[rabper]

Hi there,

Wasn't sure whether I should post in marriage/relationships or parenting but this mostly concerns my kids so I am wondering if another parent is going through a similar situation.

My husband has always been disrespectful to me. He has moments where becomes very mean and mostly he shows very narcissistic personality traits, eg belittling me and insulting me, calling me worthless, that I am nothing in front of him etc. We have been on verge of separation multiple times. He has periods of 1-2 months of peace (not a good relationship but just peace at home) followed by meltdowns, and the cycle goes on and on. We have been together 8 years and have 2 kids.

My elder one is 4.5 years old. She is a sweet and lively girl. He was OK to her until my second daughter was born. I really misread him and always thought at least he would be a good father. But he has started to BULLY my elder daughter since my second one was born. There is A LOT that happens but I will just mention things I can remember quickly on top of my head.

• If she does something of his disliking, he stops talking to her. Eg if he asks her to pass on something to him (and kids can be forgetful). Sometimes she's playing or doing something else and if she doesn't listen or delays, he would STOP talking to her. Even when she tries to call him multiple times, for few minutes, he would be sitting there scrolling on his phone and does not answer her, making her very upset and she starts to cry. It's almost a daily occurance.
• He bullies her by calling her cry baby all the time. I leave them for 10-15 minutes and I hear her screaming after a bit because of this.
• Sometimes he responds to her in a very mean way. Eg if she asks what are you doing daddy and he'd respond 'can't you see what I am doing' etc
• There are instances where he says to her 'don't try to be my mother', 'are you blind'
• He deliberately loves my 2yo in front of elder one, while not answering her, asking her to go away, I don't wanna talk to you etc etc that makes her cry even more

I can go on and on. What really troubles me is that she is really attached to him and can't even stay away, so she ends up going to him and then running back to me crying. We have had HUGE fights on this recently. He tells me not to come between them or interrupt. But I have said to him that it's my responsibility to protect my daughter so if you bully her, I would interrupt. And by interruption I don't mean that I argue in front of kids, but sometimes I just remove her from that space/take into another room, or I console her and tell her it's ok etc etc.

He says I am spoiling her by not being strict with her and I am not disciplining her. Which is not the case. I try to communicate boundaries in a firm but gentle ways. I don't think parents need to belittle or insult children especially when they have breakdowns or cry. Instead of consoling or calming her down. He becomes very aggressive with her.

He is very resentful and negative person who keeps grudges even with a 4 year old child. Who does that?
I can write many pages on things that he says to me and what not, but I wanted to know if any other parent has gone through the same situation and what did you do? He is extremely rude and can say very hurtful things to me and her both.

I am 36 yo. I have a good job (100k per year), I have over 110k invested in a house. But I am afraid that even if I separate, and lose my job, how will I take care of the kids alone in this economic situation? My company has been laying people off recently.

TBH I just wanted to shareout and hear from other parents if they are experiencing something similar? How do I protect myself and my daughter? We have talked about it, but he becomes very rude and aggressive. I have known him for 8 years and I know he will not change as this cycle has been going on for some time.

Your daughter's self esteem will be far more affected by living with an emotionally abusive father. You need to leave for her protection and I absolutely promise he will do the same to your younger daughter too.

Reading this broke my heart. Please please leave him. As the daughter of a narcissistic father trust me it's not worth the what ifs. I still suffer greatly from the effects of the emotional abuse handed down to me. Unfortunately I don't know how the court system works and if you'd likely be able to keep this man away from your daughters. I guess that's where seeking legal advice and contacting women's aid would be a good start. Poor little girl.

What's more important? An unknown threat to the finances or your bairns mental health? Dude, this child is going to grow up riddles with anxiety and attach herself to abusers as partners. Protect your child.

To all of those saying leave him - how would op then control what he said or did to the elder child if they have e.g. 50/50 custody of them? He sounds like the type of man to deliberately make ops life harder even if that means he has the kids 50/50 when he doesn’t actually want them. That poor child could be verbally/emotionally abused and gaslighted and OP would have no way of intervening.

It will have an impact on them, of course it will. But far less of an impact then being abused by their father and their mother allowing it.

Trying to look at the situation objectively. Separation could impact self esteem but living with a "father" like that definitely will. Why stay in a situation with a known impact due the risk of a might. And for what it's worth leaving is much more likely to improve her feelings of self worth, attachment, mental health etc. If anyone else was treating her like that would you stay?

Why are you allowing your husband to abuse your child?
LEAVE!!!

I think to ask is what impact do you think living with a man like this will have on her confidence and self esteem?

I was the daughter in this scenario. It's heartbreaking and scarring. I have to work so hard at having 'normal' relationships. Please leave. Your kids mental and physical wellbeing (because he will turn violent) is more important than maybe one day losing your job. You will all be happier living on benefits with toast for dinner, trust me.

In the meantime, document absolutely everything. Take pictures of important documents. Write down timestamps and descriptions of how he behaves. Do it safely of course. There are apps you can download that store photos etc, but look like a calculator app.

Being blunt, you are currently aiding his abuse. Once at school, this may well be noticed by authorities. It is possible that children are removed from the home and you (rightly or wrongly) will be seen as complicit and have to prove yourself. Stop choosing your husband over your children, because job excuses is just that - excuses.

He probably won't want 50/50 let's be honest. He may say he does but the likelihood is it won't happen. I have ni experience of this type if situation but surely Op could tell a court that he's abusive?

How can you be worrying about what a separation will do for her self-esteem when you’re watching her being bullied every day. What do you think that is doing for her self esteem?

Get out get out get out

this isn’t a question really is it? You HAVE to protect your daughters from this piece of shit

my dad treated me like this and 20 years on I’m still scarred by it

I am weeping for your poor four year old child. Why aren’t you.

I cannot state this more clearly - you need to leave this man. I know two people who had similar fathers who were both very close to me, and the damage that it’s done to them is just awful.

Your poor poor little girl. A helpless small child, desperate for Daddy’s love and attention, yet he thrives on this and gets his kicks from giving a FOUR YEAR OLD the silent treatment, to torment and torture her, all to boost his ego. Power play and emotional abuse towards a helpless four year old.

Get out now. You have no idea the damage this will do.

You have got to be kidding. This actually made me angry OP. You have no idea the situation you have kept your kids in!? Divorce is inevitable, at some point, because your relationship sounds horrific. Your choice is now or when they are older - when they are more attached to their dad (it's a response to abuse btw), can be manipulated against you, and choose to go live with their abusive dad. It happens, it happened to me as a kid. Don't put them through that. My self esteem is shot but my parents separation is the least cause !

if I separate, and lose my job,

You can take out policy / insurance for job loss.

My dad was like this
I wish my mother left earlier so do my siblings.
It totally fucked me up and i spent a huge amount on therapy to get any sense of closure and normality.
I also had huge amounts of unprocesse anger with my mother throughout my 20s and beyond that she failed to protect me. One sibling is NC with her now because of it

The longer you stay the more assets you have / the more he'll want to take and the harder it is to get out.

Honestly start getting your shit together, see some lawyers and leave.
You are in a strong position right now. Today.

Even if he continues this shit when you separate and insists on access.... your dd will be suffering EOW and have a safe space with you 80-90%of the time rather than being abused or at risk of pending abuse 24/7 (the waiting for the other shoe to drop was actually almost as awful as the abuse itself).

Once she hits 10 or 11 she will hopefully hust refuse visitation

Also dont dismiss ot underestimate the abuse and damage to your youngest and their sibling relationship

Op, you are doing more damage to your children staying in this relationship. You earn a very good wage and so you will be ok. This is not sustainable.

I don't think calling it bullying is a good idea. It's abuse. He's abusing his child.

@rabper what a horrible cruel dad he is!!! You surely have to get rid of him! it is far better to have one happy parent than two unhappy parents in the childrens' lives. take it the house is jointly owned 50/50? what kind of job does he do? do you really think he would want access to the children? it looks like he has no time for them and in that case I would work as hard as possible to look after them myself.

mine are much happier and more stable, largely because they're not around shouting/arguing, or in the presence of someone who's mouth/temper made them flinch in fear, or dealing with mum (me) being an emotional wreck because i was being abused by their arsehole of a father.

What do you imagine the impact on your children’s self esteem will be, overall, if you stay in a relationship where you are passively condoning his psychological abuse?

I wouldn't normally say this based on so little information, but you need to leave this man for the sake of your DD, as soon as possible.

He is harming your DD in a heartbreaking fashion - she is desperate to please him, and he is manipulating her. It's not just bad, it's deliberately cruel.

Splitting up is difficult, but young children recover quickly from this. It's worth the financial risk.

My daughter's friend's dad is exactly like this. She's 11.

He is awful to her and her sister continually (his latest thing is telling her that he's going to send her to boarding school as he can't stand her being at home).

It impacts her through her behaviour with her friends. She is massively insecure which pans out through bullying. She'll play with a child of her choice but make my daughter stand and watch them so if the other child decides to go elsewhere she has a back up- if my daughter tries to go elsewhere she threatens to tell the teachers she's being excluded from friendship. My daughter deals with it now but it's been going on for years and it's obvious it comes from her abusive dad and the impact it has one her.

How can you stand by and watch your kids be abused?? Do better. They need you to do better

@rabper I can't believe you are asking this ^ However much that your kids are impacted if you separate they are already being SEVERELY impacted by their Father's behaviour - and that applies to both of them as either their Father will start on DC #2 as they get older OR he will treat DC2 entirely differently and set up DC#1 to resent DC#2

Please, for their sake Leave this guy. Whatever happens Nothing will be worse for your children than staying with this abusive man. You have a good salary. If you get made redundant you will manage, once you are out of the house and are settled somewhere else.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't read all your post. I already knew what I needed to say.
I left my ex husband the second he turned his bullying and emotional abuse on the kids. Literally within the first instance I was aware of, I had started the divorce application within a week.
I didn't know how I would cope, financially or emotionally. But I knew I could not let my children grow up living with a parent who treated them like that.
But you know what, I did manage. I've had my moments, but I still have my house, my sanity, and more importantly, the kids are happy and settled and they know their worth.
One no longer has anything to do with their father, one sees him once a month. I left those decisions totally up to them.