Husband bullying 4 years old daughter

[rabper]

Hi there,

Wasn't sure whether I should post in marriage/relationships or parenting but this mostly concerns my kids so I am wondering if another parent is going through a similar situation.

My husband has always been disrespectful to me. He has moments where becomes very mean and mostly he shows very narcissistic personality traits, eg belittling me and insulting me, calling me worthless, that I am nothing in front of him etc. We have been on verge of separation multiple times. He has periods of 1-2 months of peace (not a good relationship but just peace at home) followed by meltdowns, and the cycle goes on and on. We have been together 8 years and have 2 kids.

My elder one is 4.5 years old. She is a sweet and lively girl. He was OK to her until my second daughter was born. I really misread him and always thought at least he would be a good father. But he has started to BULLY my elder daughter since my second one was born. There is A LOT that happens but I will just mention things I can remember quickly on top of my head.

• If she does something of his disliking, he stops talking to her. Eg if he asks her to pass on something to him (and kids can be forgetful). Sometimes she's playing or doing something else and if she doesn't listen or delays, he would STOP talking to her. Even when she tries to call him multiple times, for few minutes, he would be sitting there scrolling on his phone and does not answer her, making her very upset and she starts to cry. It's almost a daily occurance.
• He bullies her by calling her cry baby all the time. I leave them for 10-15 minutes and I hear her screaming after a bit because of this.
• Sometimes he responds to her in a very mean way. Eg if she asks what are you doing daddy and he'd respond 'can't you see what I am doing' etc
• There are instances where he says to her 'don't try to be my mother', 'are you blind'
• He deliberately loves my 2yo in front of elder one, while not answering her, asking her to go away, I don't wanna talk to you etc etc that makes her cry even more

I can go on and on. What really troubles me is that she is really attached to him and can't even stay away, so she ends up going to him and then running back to me crying. We have had HUGE fights on this recently. He tells me not to come between them or interrupt. But I have said to him that it's my responsibility to protect my daughter so if you bully her, I would interrupt. And by interruption I don't mean that I argue in front of kids, but sometimes I just remove her from that space/take into another room, or I console her and tell her it's ok etc etc.

He says I am spoiling her by not being strict with her and I am not disciplining her. Which is not the case. I try to communicate boundaries in a firm but gentle ways. I don't think parents need to belittle or insult children especially when they have breakdowns or cry. Instead of consoling or calming her down. He becomes very aggressive with her.

He is very resentful and negative person who keeps grudges even with a 4 year old child. Who does that?
I can write many pages on things that he says to me and what not, but I wanted to know if any other parent has gone through the same situation and what did you do? He is extremely rude and can say very hurtful things to me and her both.

I am 36 yo. I have a good job (100k per year), I have over 110k invested in a house. But I am afraid that even if I separate, and lose my job, how will I take care of the kids alone in this economic situation? My company has been laying people off recently.

TBH I just wanted to shareout and hear from other parents if they are experiencing something similar? How do I protect myself and my daughter? We have talked about it, but he becomes very rude and aggressive. I have known him for 8 years and I know he will not change as this cycle has been going on for some time.

Staying with him is allowing him to continue bullying your child. Speak to a financial advisor and a solicitor, gather evidence of him being horrible-- maybe bring DD to speak to a counsellor who could provide a statement. Start now.

My parents not separating impacted me overall.

I think they are probably being more damaged by you staying together.

How on earth would separation impact your children more than staying with a highly abusive father? Your daughter's self esteem will remain at rock bottom if you stay with him. Can't you see that?

“ men like this usually always move on quickly and forget about their old family.”

Sadly that’s not been the case in the situation I’m close to. He’s become increasingly worse and demanding and getting more overnight contact.

If you don't end this you are complicit in the abuse of your four year old daughter. You need to do something about this TODAY!!

See, this would be my concern. But the mother will get blamed either way - either because she didn’t leave or because she did leave and the child got it worse

I can't understand why you had children with him after at least four years with him knowing what an absolutely vile man he is.

Saying with him now would show a lack of welfare for your children.

He's nasty and usually nastiness escalates over time.

I think staying with him & him treating her the way he currently is, will impact her self-esteem WAY MORE.
As is evidenced already.

This.

I think separation would have a positive affect on your older child.

BTW, who is the child here - the 4 yr old or the grown adult man

Nothing impacts a child's self esteem as much as relentless abuse and bullying from a parent. Your poor poor child. You need to step up and present her NOW or you are complicit in this Campaing of abuse.

It breaks my heart to read this. Your poor children. Please get them away from them before he does some real damage.

I was your daughter. My parents were you and your partner. I prayed, PRAYED, my mum would take me away from him, just get a divorce. She didn’t for years, and he utterly destroyed my happiness and my confidence as a child. She could’ve left, but kept me in that situation. I still resent her for that.

@rabper What is deeply concerning here is that he is ''training'' your older daughter {all four years of her} to make dysfunctional relationships with cold and abusive men in the future when she is an adult.

Please leave if possible for her wellbeing, if not yours.

He sounds horrible.

Well it's definitely not going to have a more negative impact than staying with this person.

It sounds like you have 3 children.
He's never grown up, he sounds like a really mean person and I can't see he would ever change. He's cruel.

Your poor daughter. You cannot allow her to be bullied by her own dad! That's disgraceful of him, but you also for not putting a stop to it.
Absolutely leave him.

The bullying will impact your DD’s self esteem more than you separating. It will have lasting effects.
With all due respect Op, grow a backbone and do what’s right for you and your girls. Do you want them growing up in this environment and thinking that this is the right way for a male to treat the females in the family?
I can’t believe what I’m reading sometimes. I have no words.

Get your children out of there, and don't give him unsupervised access.

But your children have seen that you did your best and tried to get them out instead of letting it continue.

My mum took me away from my dad as a child. It was difficult but the main thing that’s stayed with me is that my mum put us first, and that means so much.

You MUST leave. If you stay you're enabling the abuse. This is what my 'mother' did and I never forgave her. I grew up being abused. Over ten years zero contact and I will never have anything with her ever again.

You need to step up and protect your children.

Leave, don't tell him.
Get everything organised and leave as quietly and quickly as you can.
Your daughters may struggle initially but long term they will be so much better off.
I am talking as someone who left 6 years ago.
My life is calmer and better on every level. My children have had struggles but are doing great.
You have the means and can find a way.
If May seem overwhelming now but I promise you a better life is waiting for all of you. You just have to be brave enough to take those first steps x

Staying will affect them deeply and for the rest of their lives. Staying is not protecting them.

She will probably be accused of ‘parental alienation’ . It happens all the time with these sort of men if they are pushing for contact and see it as a way to keep the abuse going.