Husband bullying 4 years old daughter

[rabper]

Hi there,

Wasn't sure whether I should post in marriage/relationships or parenting but this mostly concerns my kids so I am wondering if another parent is going through a similar situation.

My husband has always been disrespectful to me. He has moments where becomes very mean and mostly he shows very narcissistic personality traits, eg belittling me and insulting me, calling me worthless, that I am nothing in front of him etc. We have been on verge of separation multiple times. He has periods of 1-2 months of peace (not a good relationship but just peace at home) followed by meltdowns, and the cycle goes on and on. We have been together 8 years and have 2 kids.

My elder one is 4.5 years old. She is a sweet and lively girl. He was OK to her until my second daughter was born. I really misread him and always thought at least he would be a good father. But he has started to BULLY my elder daughter since my second one was born. There is A LOT that happens but I will just mention things I can remember quickly on top of my head.

• If she does something of his disliking, he stops talking to her. Eg if he asks her to pass on something to him (and kids can be forgetful). Sometimes she's playing or doing something else and if she doesn't listen or delays, he would STOP talking to her. Even when she tries to call him multiple times, for few minutes, he would be sitting there scrolling on his phone and does not answer her, making her very upset and she starts to cry. It's almost a daily occurance.
• He bullies her by calling her cry baby all the time. I leave them for 10-15 minutes and I hear her screaming after a bit because of this.
• Sometimes he responds to her in a very mean way. Eg if she asks what are you doing daddy and he'd respond 'can't you see what I am doing' etc
• There are instances where he says to her 'don't try to be my mother', 'are you blind'
• He deliberately loves my 2yo in front of elder one, while not answering her, asking her to go away, I don't wanna talk to you etc etc that makes her cry even more

I can go on and on. What really troubles me is that she is really attached to him and can't even stay away, so she ends up going to him and then running back to me crying. We have had HUGE fights on this recently. He tells me not to come between them or interrupt. But I have said to him that it's my responsibility to protect my daughter so if you bully her, I would interrupt. And by interruption I don't mean that I argue in front of kids, but sometimes I just remove her from that space/take into another room, or I console her and tell her it's ok etc etc.

He says I am spoiling her by not being strict with her and I am not disciplining her. Which is not the case. I try to communicate boundaries in a firm but gentle ways. I don't think parents need to belittle or insult children especially when they have breakdowns or cry. Instead of consoling or calming her down. He becomes very aggressive with her.

He is very resentful and negative person who keeps grudges even with a 4 year old child. Who does that?
I can write many pages on things that he says to me and what not, but I wanted to know if any other parent has gone through the same situation and what did you do? He is extremely rude and can say very hurtful things to me and her both.

I am 36 yo. I have a good job (100k per year), I have over 110k invested in a house. But I am afraid that even if I separate, and lose my job, how will I take care of the kids alone in this economic situation? My company has been laying people off recently.

TBH I just wanted to shareout and hear from other parents if they are experiencing something similar? How do I protect myself and my daughter? We have talked about it, but he becomes very rude and aggressive. I have known him for 8 years and I know he will not change as this cycle has been going on for some time.

Thank you.

What happens with the records of incidents is the child may be interviewed. The father may be too. He will lie and it’s his word against the child’s (or the ‘hostile to contact’ mother’s.) Much will be made of the child saying she loves her father. He will be given ‘the benefit of the doubt’. The mother will be made well aware that any further reports will be taken as further evidence of parental alienation on her part.

The child then learns that disclosing abuse is a futile exercise and potentially damaging as her father will want to punish her for ‘telling tales’.

The child and mother are effectively silenced. The abuse continues and may increase. The abuser is emboldened to continue with his despicable abuse, safe in the knowledge that he won’t be held to account in any meaningful way.

This is one of the saddest things I have read.

I do think the word abuse and the phrase LTB is used far too much and too easily on here, but what you have written sounds heartbreaking. Your poor poor daughter.

Silent treatment to anyone is awful but a 4 year old? That's not discipline that's very cruel. And showing more love to the other child in front of her is horrendous

You must absolutely hate him? If this is a daily occurrence, that's far too often and I'd absolutely leave and show your girl the constant love she deserves

OP, what do you think you're children are learning from what you're modelling? How do you think this is shaping their self worth and emotional development?

This is their 'normal'. This is what they believe a 'relationship' looks like. Is this what you believe they deserve?

The impact of separation would be a drop in the Ocean compared to the irreparable damage your husband is causing your daughter;I can tell you for free that growing up with a father like this screws you up;I'm 40 and have struggled with depression and anxiety on and off throughout my adult life,have awful rejection sensitivity and have real issues believing in myself;my dad was exactly like your husband.

Leave and make sure your daughter isn't left alone with him.

Is your other child a boy?

Which is why you gather evidence including things noted by your childcare

Hi

my husband who isn’t my oldest two boys dad but is my daughters. He started off always telling my oldest to do things.. if he didn’t do it within 2 minutes he would shout at him. He’s called him names like stupid and really brought him down.
then it got to the point where my so was only in the room and he would moan or say somthing bad. My son is autistic and he’s 15 he only goes to school for 45 minutes as he can’t cope being in a mainstream school, he’s social is very very shy. But even he only does 45 minutes he is doing amazing and looking at going to college/uni as he grades are very high. My husband doesn’t like the fact he does 45 minutes and tells him he should do a full day ect. (My husband has adhd & autism) I’ve explained it to him millions of times why he does 45 minutes… it’s never good enough. It also got to the point when we had conversations it would always end up about my son, so as I mother I’d stick up for him and I knew he was wrong and I was stick of him bulling him.
my husband when on holiday 3 months ago and never came back.. so now he’s my ex. But even know any conversation we have we end up about my son. He’s told everyone he’s a doormat and my to boys don’t listen to him and never have done. We was together got 12 years, married 8 and he never ever said our kids.
he makes out he’s the victim of this all and it’s been very very hard.
my oldest said to me- mommy he never loved me or wanted to change to make our family better… my young memories are with him and he’s just left us 😞 it’s heartbreaking to see them go though this all over again (their dad) isn’t really in the picture.

all we wanted was for my husband to understand what he was doing so we could all try and fix it and be a family again.

now he’s telling me, he never wanted a family and that he just wanted to be on his own. Doesn’t want any responsibility’s either.

😢😔

@Moonlight90 its best you start a new post for advice

I've read some of the other threads here ( having started to to stop the bully from my own daughter's father towards her) and many of the comments were very harsh shaming you for even asking or not leaving immediately... He has clearly been insulting and abusing you too over 8 years .. which erodes your self esteem and will gas light you into making you think you won't cope if you leave or that you deserve that treatment - this behaviour by him is designed to make it so much harder to leave and other mother's should do well to remember that rather heap more judgement on the original poster. @rabper I hope you found the courage to leave eventually. Good luck!