Hi there,
Wasn't sure whether I should post in marriage/relationships or parenting but this mostly concerns my kids so I am wondering if another parent is going through a similar situation.
My husband has always been disrespectful to me. He has moments where becomes very mean and mostly he shows very narcissistic personality traits, eg belittling me and insulting me, calling me worthless, that I am nothing in front of him etc. We have been on verge of separation multiple times. He has periods of 1-2 months of peace (not a good relationship but just peace at home) followed by meltdowns, and the cycle goes on and on. We have been together 8 years and have 2 kids.
My elder one is 4.5 years old. She is a sweet and lively girl. He was OK to her until my second daughter was born. I really misread him and always thought at least he would be a good father. But he has started to BULLY my elder daughter since my second one was born. There is A LOT that happens but I will just mention things I can remember quickly on top of my head.
- If she does something of his disliking, he stops talking to her. Eg if he asks her to pass on something to him (and kids can be forgetful). Sometimes she's playing or doing something else and if she doesn't listen or delays, he would STOP talking to her. Even when she tries to call him multiple times, for few minutes, he would be sitting there scrolling on his phone and does not answer her, making her very upset and she starts to cry. It's almost a daily occurance.
- He bullies her by calling her cry baby all the time. I leave them for 10-15 minutes and I hear her screaming after a bit because of this.
- Sometimes he responds to her in a very mean way. Eg if she asks what are you doing daddy and he'd respond 'can't you see what I am doing' etc
- There are instances where he says to her 'don't try to be my mother', 'are you blind'
- He deliberately loves my 2yo in front of elder one, while not answering her, asking her to go away, I don't wanna talk to you etc etc that makes her cry even more
I can go on and on. What really troubles me is that she is really attached to him and can't even stay away, so she ends up going to him and then running back to me crying. We have had HUGE fights on this recently. He tells me not to come between them or interrupt. But I have said to him that it's my responsibility to protect my daughter so if you bully her, I would interrupt. And by interruption I don't mean that I argue in front of kids, but sometimes I just remove her from that space/take into another room, or I console her and tell her it's ok etc etc.
He says I am spoiling her by not being strict with her and I am not disciplining her. Which is not the case. I try to communicate boundaries in a firm but gentle ways. I don't think parents need to belittle or insult children especially when they have breakdowns or cry. Instead of consoling or calming her down. He becomes very aggressive with her.
He is very resentful and negative person who keeps grudges even with a 4 year old child. Who does that?
I can write many pages on things that he says to me and what not, but I wanted to know if any other parent has gone through the same situation and what did you do? He is extremely rude and can say very hurtful things to me and her both.
I am 36 yo. I have a good job (100k per year), I have over 110k invested in a house. But I am afraid that even if I separate, and lose my job, how will I take care of the kids alone in this economic situation? My company has been laying people off recently.
TBH I just wanted to shareout and hear from other parents if they are experiencing something similar? How do I protect myself and my daughter? We have talked about it, but he becomes very rude and aggressive. I have known him for 8 years and I know he will not change as this cycle has been going on for some time.