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Original poster

So Mumsnet jury, would you allow your six year old DD to feel the consequences of her behaviour by not allowing her to go to a birthday party on Saturday?

222 replies

LittleBella · 21/04/2008 18:23

I bought a fabulous book for the boy whose party it is, which I told her she was not allowed to touch as it could get dirty or damaged. Now I know I should have hidden it from her, wrapped it up, kept it out of her reach, etc., but I didn't because I'm not effing Supermum and I can't remember to be permanently competent. Actually that's not strictly true, I did put it up high and she would have had to get a chair to get it down. I also want my DD not to touch things which she has been told not to touch and at 6 years old I am wondering whether it is unreasonable to expect her to leave stuff alone when she has been explicitly told that that item is out of bounds.

Anyway the inevitable happened and she has broken the book. Not only is it broken, a couple of the bits are missing so it can't be fixed. (It's one of those books that you then use to build a castle.) I don't want to buy the child another present, so my inclination is to say to DD that as she no longer has a present to take to the party, she can't go.

Would this be utterly draconian? I have a feeling it would be, but otoh what consequence should she experience for this unfortunate event?

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FluffyMummy123 · 21/04/2008 18:24

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Pippo · 21/04/2008 18:26

Can you sanction her something to pay for another present? Pocket money, birthday money? etc. Could she do some odd jobs to earn some money?

pagwatch · 21/04/2008 18:26

My only concern is that for a 6 year old a party on saturday is a long long time away - so the behaviour and consequence are a little too distant.
i would definately punish but not sure by stopping her going to the party...
sorry - not much help

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PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 21/04/2008 18:26

Yes. I'd dot hat but A) I am v strict; and B) its the sort of thing we have issues with.

if it were a once off (and you know your dd) then I might not, however- all kids differ and need the parenting tailored to them.

however at six punishments / behaviour mods (whatever term you like to use) shoudls till be immediate really- if more than a short time has elapsed after the event you may well find that it simply confuses her.

ellingwoman · 21/04/2008 18:27

If she wants to go to the party then she can 'earn' the money to pay for a new present by doing a few chores for you. No chores - no present, so no party

MascaraOHara · 21/04/2008 18:29

I'd punish. My dd is 5 and I don't put things she shouldn't touch out of reach.. if she'#s told not to touch something she doesn#t touch it. end of.

I would give another puishment though as Saturday is quite a way away.. and would also feel sad for the birthday boy missing out.

Can you take something of hers for a couple for a couple of days?

pagwatch · 21/04/2008 18:33

ooh I like ellingwoman's idea !
i would get a big jar and she gets a coin each time she does a chore until she has enough for a new present. You could get loads of mileage out of that plus she is actually making good the damage she caused.

morningpaper · 21/04/2008 18:35

Could she give something or hers instead? That is new?

EmmyLou · 21/04/2008 18:37

You did say that even you "Can't remember to be permanently competant..." Seems like your DD couldn't either.

I'd cut her some slack - curiosity is no bad thing and she is young. Not letting her go to the party punishes party child too and maybe even inconveniences other parent.

Does she have a piggy bank she could raid to contribute to cost of new present? Make her go to some kind of effort to make ammends?

wilbur · 21/04/2008 18:39

The only thing is that a 6 year old might quite enjoy the chores and so it's not really an incentive to behave better next time. If the party had been that day, I would consider cancelling it, but since it's a few days away, I would confiscate something she likes a lot for a week or so. I would certainly expect, at 6, a child should understand that don't touch means don't touch.

harpsichordcarrier · 21/04/2008 18:40

utterly draconian
what else woul work right now - no tv this evening? having to do some chores to earnt the money to replace it?

AitchTwoOhelicopterfraek · 21/04/2008 18:43

horrible. saturday is miles away, plus she'd be humiliated at the party. i'm actually pretty shocked you're considering it. agree with MP, give something of hers or something she was saving for or raid her piggy bank.

MrsMattie · 21/04/2008 18:45

Agree with harpsi. She needs instant action. Six is too young to deprive her of a party at the weekend.

DebsCee · 21/04/2008 18:47

I agree with most other posters that Saturday is too far away for her to really relate it to what she has done today. Come up with another consequence that impacts her now and find a way for her to contribute to another present - could you ask her what she thinks she can do for a present?

Cammelia · 21/04/2008 18:53

Its inevitable that she would want to look at/play with the book.

It sounds an exciting book.

newgirl · 21/04/2008 18:56

she should go to the party for the party child and family's sake - it would be rude to drop out now

but she should do jobs to pay for another book and next time dont show her the gift until before the party - it is just toooo tempting

Original poster
LittleBella · 21/04/2008 18:57

She doesn't have a piggy bank and it's nearly bed-time so earning points by chores isn't really a goer.

And yes she is always doing stuff like this. I am concerned that unless the consequence is really, really something that means something to her, she will simply carry on destroying stuff. I actually cannot afford for this to happen all the time, this time it's just a £7 book, but often it's more expensive stuff. It is a big issue, I think at 6 she ought not to be doing this so regularly. And I don't want to teach her that if she destroys something as a direct consequence of doing something Mummy said not to, it doesn't matter because Mummy will just buy a new one. I know curiosity is good, but continually ignoring my requests not to touch something, is bad.

I did consider the option of saying that she had to give up one of her birthday toys to make up for it, but unfortunately they're all girlie and the party-child is a boy.

OP posts:
DarthVader · 21/04/2008 19:01

Would banning TV work better as a deterrent?

Crunchie · 21/04/2008 19:03

I would ban her from yhe party. I have done this before and I would do it again.

A week away is NOT such a long time for a 6 year old.

I banned my child from a b'day party for lying. IT was a HUGE to my face, barefaced lie which deliberatly got her sister in trouble, We had to wait 2 months for the punishment. I allowed her to her BF party as she was the only one having a sleepover so I could do it to he other child. (BTW this was over cutting a sah on my favourite party dress and hiding the evidence - so she not only lied, she hid the evidence and blamed her sister!)

IMHO at 6 she should absolutely know what is out of bounds and not touch, and not damage it. No question.

My children wouldn't DREAM of doing such a thing and they are no angels. They have damaged or broken things before, but more like knocked over a lamp type stuff, rather than climbed on a chair to get something they have been told not to touch stuff IYKWIM.

Original poster
LittleBella · 21/04/2008 19:04

The other thing I considered was saying that she could go to this party, but because I was going to have to spend some more party money on a new present, she would have to miss another one. I thought that was too long-term though. The thing of missing this party on Saturday is that it is directly connected in her mind. She is a bright child and has instantly understood that there is a connection between her destroying the present and not having a present to go to the party with. She knows that it is logical, she has no problems understanding that. I just didn't fancy being so draconian though, but otoh I am sick and tired of my stuff being continually destroyed and I want to come up with a consequence which mihgt actually be effective. She is six, not four. And it's bedtime so I can't come up with any consequence today. (I only found out about it just before I posted and it was dinner time then).

OP posts:
DarthVader · 21/04/2008 19:07

Will she mind missing the party much though? My dd would enjoy a party but wouldn't be much bothered not to go!

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 21/04/2008 19:08

Too far away, but I would go along the chores and earning money route.

newgirl · 21/04/2008 19:10

you can say 'it is late but i will think of a suitable punishment and we'll talk tomorrow'

this could be jobs/no tv etc

i think if it was a treat just for her then fine not to go but i think it could let other people down which is not a good lesson either

Crunchie · 21/04/2008 19:11

LB I hadn't read your last post - only teh first - and now reading that I would DEFINEATLY do it. Yes it does seem draconian but it HAS to work.

I can promise you my children don't dare lie EVER to me as they know I will go ballistic (It is one of my things) and they know that bad behaviour WILL result in no parties AND I make sure the parent knows WHY it is cancelled. OK that maybe humiliation for the child, but so be it.

ANother example DD1 is 9 and she loves horseriding more than ANYTHING. I had threatened more than once that she would be banned form riding if she continued with bad behaviour, but I relented. Last week I finally cracked on about the Monday - afte a jidious w/e she spat/hit/kicked her sister (aged 7) and refused to aplooligise andthen had a massive screaming abdad with me. SO that was it...no riding....she had to wait until the sunday to see if I would allow her to go and just as I was about to say - OK, she had another tantrum. so I called up and cancelled

We went this week and I di tell her friends the reason she had not been ther was due to BAD behaviour. I know she won't dare do it again.

The rest of you are FAR TOO SOFT (and this is from teh mum who is so laid back about almost anything - bar manners, lying, and 9 year olds tantrums!!)

mamablue · 21/04/2008 19:12

I agree LittleBella she should miss the party. I have a 6 year old dd and she would certainly understand why she couldn't go. Sometimes you just have to punish them, I am sure she will learn a lesson and will at least think about it before touching again. I have stopped my dd from attending a party because she told a lie that got her sister into trouble. At 6 they have a pretty good grasp of right and wrong. If you feel that it is the right thing to do , go with it. I know that some of my friends think I am a bit strict but I think sometimes you just need to be.