So Mumsnet jury, would you allow your six year old DD to feel the consequences of her behaviour by not allowing her to go to a birthday party on Saturday?

[LittleBella]

I bought a fabulous book for the boy whose party it is, which I told her she was not allowed to touch as it could get dirty or damaged. Now I know I should have hidden it from her, wrapped it up, kept it out of her reach, etc., but I didn't because I'm not effing Supermum and I can't remember to be permanently competent. Actually that's not strictly true, I did put it up high and she would have had to get a chair to get it down. I also want my DD not to touch things which she has been told not to touch and at 6 years old I am wondering whether it is unreasonable to expect her to leave stuff alone when she has been explicitly told that that item is out of bounds.

Anyway the inevitable happened and she has broken the book. Not only is it broken, a couple of the bits are missing so it can't be fixed. (It's one of those books that you then use to build a castle.) I don't want to buy the child another present, so my inclination is to say to DD that as she no longer has a present to take to the party, she can't go.

Would this be utterly draconian? I have a feeling it would be, but otoh what consequence should she experience for this unfortunate event?

[ingles2]

So have you decided what to do LB?

[mrsruffallo]

I think punishment causes a power struggle-The adult saying I am bigger than you, I will take whatever I choose away
To me a consequence is a natural thing in itself- if the child didn't mean to damage the book- which is rarely the intention-they will feel bad enough anyway and understand why mummy said you shouldn't touch

[mrsruffallo]

x post no.6- great minds think alike

[LittleBella]

Numbersix - usually with sadness/ distress, sometimes with anger.

MrsR, my dd is usually upset when she breaks things, she says she's sorry and I hug her and say I know she didn't mean to do it.

Then a week later she'll break something else.

[LittleBella]

Numbersix - usually with sadness/ distress, sometimes with anger.

MrsR, my dd is usually upset when she breaks things, she says she's sorry and I hug her and say I know she didn't mean to do it.

Then a week later she'll break something else.

[QuintessentialShadows]

At 6 she should know better.

Why not let her wrap and give the broken book? That would be very embarassing. Or is it cruel? (Of course get a new present for birthday child in addition)

[mrsruffallo]

LB, Do you think she is breaking things on purpose/ is a bit clumsy?
What kind of things does she break?

[LittleBella]

Numbersix I think I know what you're getting at. I want DD to not do it because she has been asked not to, not because it might lead to a consequence (it also means as you say, that in a system dependent on consequences you always have to anticipate specific bad beahviour adn threaten a specific consequence of it. I don't like that idea.)

[LittleBella]

MrsR I really don't think she's doing it on purpose. It's not really the breaking / spilling things that is getting me down (although that can be a bit of a PITA), it's the constant ignoring of the rules. It's things like my make up, glasses, her DB's toys, smelly stuff in the bathroom.

[mrsruffallo]

I do think that no.6 is talkin
g a lot of sense here.
I think one thing I would try is to give her more responsibility- ask her to choose bathroom smellies when you are shopping-discuss the price, which one looks nice and ask her to put it in the bathroom when we get home. Same with make-up, I woulsd show her how I put it away in my make up bag, ask her to help me do it, tell her why I am taking care of it etc
I think reponsibilty for precious things can give them a great sense of pride

[LittleBella]

Oh I know this is going to sound negative, but I have tried this. I've given her some of my old necklaces for her own jewellery box, so that she can play with them and wear them but not mine. And getting her one of those horrid pink comics with girl make-up on the front cover, so that she has her own and doesn't have to touch mine.

But she just can't resist...

[handlemecarefully]

Not read all of thread but I would be going for a hefty penalty too (6 yr olds do understand deferred punishments - they are not 3, they can piece together the action (today) and the consequence (on Sunday)!

Not sure I would go for the not attending party idea but I would certainly opt for something quite significant as a punishment because this was a breach of trust, and I would not expect my (not even 6 yet - 5.10) dd to touch the book when explicitly told she must not and why that was

[handlemecarefully]

Ohh that was rather poor grammar

[LittleBella]

Hmm with the touching things, the reason i don't want her to is because she breaks them and the reason I am annoyed about it, is because she has ignored me telling her not to touch them in the first place. I think at 6, she should know that she has to do as she's told about this, especially as it is a big issue.

DS is quite good about sharing, but yes it really bothers him when she runs off with his toys and then breaks them!

[LittleBella]

You may have something there 6 I might try that.

But tbh I have got to the stage where I just want her to not touch something she has been specifically told she's not allowed to touch. It just depresses me that she doesn't seem to have any respect for my wishes.

Anyway must go to bed. Thanks for all your advice, it is really appreciated.

[ingles2]

I think then LB if you have tried various other techniques to get her to not touch/ take things you have specifically asked her not to, withdrawing something she wants, be it the party or some other treat is the next course of action. Is she just 6 or rising 7? yr 1 or 2? She must be able to follow instruction at school. Is it just that she thinks she can get away with it at home ifswim

[ingles2]

Sorry No. 6 but I don't agree with your
if i touch other peoples stuff = something horrible will happen to me.

vs

if i touch other people's stuff = the person will be cross because it's theirs & they asked me not to, and i might break them which will upset the person.
surely it's
If I wilfully disobey my mums rules = I might lose a treat
?

[mrsruffallo]

Because it is about understanding and trusting yourself rather than being scared of being punished by mum