So Mumsnet jury, would you allow your six year old DD to feel the consequences of her behaviour by not allowing her to go to a birthday party on Saturday?

[LittleBella]

I bought a fabulous book for the boy whose party it is, which I told her she was not allowed to touch as it could get dirty or damaged. Now I know I should have hidden it from her, wrapped it up, kept it out of her reach, etc., but I didn't because I'm not effing Supermum and I can't remember to be permanently competent. Actually that's not strictly true, I did put it up high and she would have had to get a chair to get it down. I also want my DD not to touch things which she has been told not to touch and at 6 years old I am wondering whether it is unreasonable to expect her to leave stuff alone when she has been explicitly told that that item is out of bounds.

Anyway the inevitable happened and she has broken the book. Not only is it broken, a couple of the bits are missing so it can't be fixed. (It's one of those books that you then use to build a castle.) I don't want to buy the child another present, so my inclination is to say to DD that as she no longer has a present to take to the party, she can't go.

Would this be utterly draconian? I have a feeling it would be, but otoh what consequence should she experience for this unfortunate event?

[FYIAD]

YES- to party
YES - to nice new gift
NO - to letting her keep the book
YES - to seriously start thinkging about nipping this destructive behaviour
in the bud

[foxinsocks]

and if it is more of a behaviour problem and she's in the habit of doing it, then more reason for making sure she couldn't get her hands on it in the first place.

[foxinsocks]

I agree with enif

[LittleBella]

Cod I can't say thank you and good night, it's just too interesting!

It really is fascinating how different people's perceptions are about what constitutes a consequence, what's lax, what's harsh etc. By the end of this I'm going to be too scared to tell anyone what I decide to do as I'll either be lambasted for being a cruel domineering parent with unrealistic expectations of DD, or a lax weak one unable to establish firm boundaries.

[LittleBella]

LOL at the battle lines being drawn up

[WaynettaSlob]

It's a tricky one - if she doesn't go to the party then aren't you also punishing the child whose party it is (unless you give themn the present anyway).
Take away something of hers, and make her earn it back.

It's a bit late for this current situation, but DS1 (4.5) has a money box and whenever he is given money, or we have spare change it goes in there so he can save up to buy himself something. He went though a phase of not respecting property (his or anyone else's) and this culminated in him breaking some other child's toy. I made him sit down and watch me take the money out of his money box to replace it. It broke my heart as he sat sobbing "but that means I can't buy MY present" but you know what, it bloody worked! I think it was the first time he realised it was an "either / or" situation.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[princessmel]

I think she should go to the party.

Think of another consiquence. Like no tv, removal of toy etc.

Then maybe not let her have the party bag at the end? Remind her about the book and say we're going to keep this in the cupboard for another day. Maybe??
Tell her this before you go though.

[procrastinatingparent]

Agree with you LB - no party for her (but I would buy another present and offer to compensate the other mum for her absence).

The OP could be about my DD who is the same age, who often shows this kind of deliberate destructive disobedience and needs serious consequences to get the point. I don't think your expectations were unrealistic and I don't think the consequence is too harsh, FWIW.

I love my DD to bits and I don't want her to grow up thinking that what I say can be ignored or that I don't care how she behaves. You sound like a great and thoughtful parent to me.

[procrastinatingparent]

If it were my DD, the only consequence that she would really care about would be the lack of party, not taking her toys away or not letting her watch TV (I have tried these enough times to know that she doesn't care enough about them!). Birthday parties are fairly common around here but they still loom very large in her eyes, and would bring home to my DD how serious her behaviour was.

[ingles2]

Quite frankly I'm amazed at the amount of posters think this punishment is draconian!!! She's not threatening to beat the child, just miss a party fgs.
LB I think this is totally suitable punishment. No present,...no party!. Your (clever) dd willfully disobeyed your instructions and at 6 (and I have one) they will totally understand this. If she has the wherewithall to try and rationalize her way out of the "crime" then she is old/mature/clever enough to understand the punishment. And for what its worth I'd buy another present for the birthday boy and tell the mum now so she can fill the space at the party.

[purpleduck]

I was prepared to disagree with the punishment - i usually think punishments should be kept at home and not disappoint other children.

BUT
I was swayed by the fact that this is a constant problem in your house.

Is it beneficial for children to have such a throwaway attitude toward OTHER PEOPLES POSSESSIONS?
That is the bit that turned it for me. I don't think its a good thing for children to learn that its ok if something breaks, mum can buy another one.

My dd is 6, and she would understand the punishment. She would be very upset, But I do think children, at some point need to understand consequences.

Good Luck
(BTW, I would feel evil though....parenting is hard!!!)

[MadamePlatypus]

I don't think the punishment is draconion - I just think its not fair on the parents who have organised the party and the boy who is having the party to not go. To be honest, it wouldn't be the end of DS's world if he couldn't go to a party (although to be fair he is only 4), he would be much more concerned if somebody couldn't come to his party. Its been a while since I looked after a 6 year old, but when I did (was an aupair), other people's parties were just part of the social round, but her own party was the high point of the year. Punishments/consequences shouldn't impact on other people, particularly if they are outside your family.

[Crunchie]

hmm still ongoing

I asked my kids to imagine the situation and what should happen - DD1 said miss the party - she is 9, DD2 (7) apoligised to me that she didn't mean to touch it and she was sorry!! When she realised I meant in an imaginary way even she thought no party

I am so not a tough mum tbh, BUT I am lucky, tbh my kids were shocked that your DD would have even TOUCHED it, they couldn't beleive it They know they 'could' get into the present cupboard, but they wouldn't cream of it. BUT like I said I am lucky and there has only ever been a few rules and this is one of them

[tigermoth]

littlebella, I bet you didn't expect all these responses!

I think cod makes a good point about the public tut tutting if you refuse to let her go to the party and tell your host your host the reason why. Why add more angst when you could sort it out in private at home?

Also, you don't want all your dd's party and playdate invites to dry up because the other parents fear your dd is uncontrollably destructive around people's possessions

[flossie64]

I have tried to reason with my dd in the past ,but I have stopped her from going to a party because of her behaviour / attitude. I even made her take the present down andgive it to the child so she could see what she was missing.
I think sometimes you just have to take the hard line , by the way my dd is only 5

[lemonstartree]

cunchie I am with you. quite right!

[Cammelia]

As the book broke so easily, it would probably have broken the minute the boy played with it

Buy him something more sturdy for the party and let her go to it

[Crunchie]

tnh IMHO it is NOT the fact she broke the book, it is the fact she climbed on a chair and got the book down from a cupboard AFTER being told not to touch it

The OP's dd then said 'well if you had said I wasn't going to the party if touched it, I wouldn't have!'

She is having issues with this type of thing, so the easiest thing would be to come down hard NOW and deal with it.

You lot are far far too nice.

And cod I have no issue with tutting mothers when I explained WHY my kids weren't doing something. AND TBH I wouldn't give F**K anyway. Maybe it is a local thing but this is often happening in our area, kids banned from parties as they have been naughty

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[Cammelia]

Silence in court

[Crunchie]

oy cod, suely you can't be in the 'ah she is only six' ' it was your fault as you should have hidden th ebook' ' she cannot hav e apunishhment in a few days she will have forgotton camp' Can you, Can uyou really

[mrsruffallo]

I would never stop her going to the party as a punishment.
I am sure she didn't mean to damage the book. I believe that it is better to deal with it there and then and explain why it was wrong.
I don't see the point in taking something away (the party)as a punishment.
In fact, I don't believe in punishment at all.

[LittleBella]

What is the difference between a punishment and a consequence?

Is it just semantics?