Lost school jumper....told no pocket money

[crystalmazelab]

I guess I'm just after a bit of reassurance here...or to be told otherwise maybe! Eldest is 9...had brand new school jumper 3 days....£30. Lost at school. I've said it will now have to be paid for out of their pocket money.
Have I been too harsh? I can't afford to just find the money for a new one - had a set of twins start school last week too and the uniform bill has been horrendous! Divorced and no offer of help financially from their dad towards extra cost of uniforms this month (pays basic CMS)

I just feel a bit guilty ....I think part of it is I feel a bit triggered by her lack of respect/care because her dad was like that. Blase attitude because good old Crystal would just replace it when things broke/needed fixing/got lost as I was the main earner in the marriage and pretty much paid for everything.

It's understandable that you find it triggering I think your idea of cat littler duty is a good one.

Keep showing her manners and reminding her if she forgets, it will come. You will see the fruits of your labours and will end up with an amazing woman as your dd.

I don’t blame you OP.
As the parent of a habitual loser of uniform, this drives me mad. I would make her pay half.

Crystal, could you just stop her pocket money for 2 weeks not 10? 10 weeks is almost a whole term and she wouldn't have any money to buy her Xmas gifts for you and twins. 2 weeks no pocket money will teach her a lesson to be more careful. 🙏

Was it properly named? If you hadn’t sewn in a name tape then I think you are being unreasonable.

It’s probably the PTA or friends that run the uniform sales. In our school one of us would go and rummage the lost property for you and/or presell you some second hand uniform if needed (eg you hand over the money in advance and I’ll make sure I’ll pull 2 jumpers or cardigans in the right size or whatever it is you need and ensure they end up with your child)

Absolutely it was first name and surname

I tend to give her extra tasks to do to earn more pocket money from October half term to end of term for Xmas presents so she's still able to do that by doing extra jobs around the house

In which case, it will either be in school or someone else has taken it home and you are at the mercy of a parent being sufficiently responsible to return it.

You’re expecting her to understand the value of it, when she has no life experience, and nothing to compare it to.
I’m not saying she isn’t able to learn a little, but it isn’t something a 9 year old can comprehend.

This kind of thing is really triggering when you've had a partner who mistreated you financially. I find it helpful to remind myself 'They're not behaving like their dad, their dad was behaving like a child.'

I think you were unreasonable expecting a child to manage with only one school jumper. You need to plan ahead - be looking on Facebay etc for second hand ones in sizes you will need in future, or take time off to go to this uniform sale and buy multiple sizes.

I don't think it's harsh, hopefully it will be an incentive to her to have a proper look for it

I also know how maddening it is to have a child who seems to never look for anything or be able to see things right under their nose, but is there any chance she's neurodivergent? Just what you've said about being careless and not liking the feel of labels is very like me as a child (and an adult). I was diagnosed in late 30s but spent my life up till then thinking I was useless and messy and just needed to try harder.

@deepstarfish

It's really not as simple as just take a day off for something like that when all my annual leave is required to cover as much of the school holidays as I can. Not to mention taking leave when the kids are sick - full paid parental leave only goes so far and I'm the only earner as a single parent. One year I had them all go down with chicken pox one after the other in fortnightly increments swiftly followed by covid and i was effectively out of my workplace for about 6 weeks.
My work allows flexibility for things like the nativity play or a concert but I hardly think asking my boss for me to finish early to go to the uniform sale would go down well. I'll try it though and see what he says

No ND. Ironically - it's just the cheap itchy fabric the cardigans are made of and placement of the label

But Thankyou all for your responses I feel less fed up about it now just being able to vent and talk it out

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully Monday will bring the reappearance of the cardigan

Even if it doesn't some pocket money deduction will be made - not out of "vindictiveness" but rather to instil in her that carelessness can cost money and whether it's a £5 cardigan or £30 then she needs to take some responsibility for her possessions. And probably some extra jobs around the house

I'm going to bed now as sleep is in short supply around here and I have to get it where I can!

No not at all too harsh. I teach this age group and they can be unbelievably careless with their belongings. I have had numerous jumpers, coats, hats, scarves and gloves left in the classroom. The same children have their jumpers dropped up to them after yard because they left them there and one child last year said he couldn't be bothered to walk to the field to look for the jumper he had left there. .I had a Ralph Lauren sleeveless jacket that was never reclaimed.
I told my.own 10 year old if she didn't start picking up her socks and putting them in the wash I was only replacing them with Paw Patrol or Peppa socks.

It would not have been a reasonable consequence for my 9yo. She wasn’t there developmentally. I couldn’t even expect her to adequately search the lost and found. We didn’t know it at the time, but an autism diagnosis was right around the corner.

at 15 she has finally reached the age where I can hold her accountable. She still forgets items constantly, but she manages to track them down herself. We also strategically use AirTags because we know it is an issue.

My DS has lost so many fleeces and water bottles. His record was 3 of each last Autumn term (y6). I told him if he lost any more he'd be paying for the replacements.

Funnily enough he only lost one fleece and non bottles in the following 2 terms combined. Sometimes a harsh lesson is needed.

In contrast, 8 year old DD has only ever lost one cardigan and no bottles, if I remember correctly. Some kids are just careless.

You make a 9 year old pay for Christmas gifts out of their own money?

FWIW it’s worth my very chilled out, lovely, not at all entitled 9 year old is equally clueless about the value of money. If he loses something he will just say ‘can’t you buy another one?’ Not in an entitled way but in a very straightforward’isbt tat the obvious solution?’
way. I think at this age the obvious still needs pointing out to them….

No I don't make them. My DC have always wanted to buy little gifts like a packet of Smarties or a small chocolate bar for each other and for Me and their Dad from their pocket money. I did the same when I was a child. If the parent simply buys the gift it's not from the DC.

Im sure you can explain your situation and ask the school for a size x jumper. No one helps themselves anymore. They just moan!

So you ask another parent to pick up a jumper in size x.
Or you ask whoever organises the sale if they can put one aside for you.

Although, if money is tight and you have 3 children to kit out in expensive branded school uniform, and there literally is no other way to get to the second hand uniform sale, then it might well be worth taking half a day's annual leave. Or, if your work is flexible, just saying that you are going to a school event.