Lost school jumper....told no pocket money

[crystalmazelab]

I guess I'm just after a bit of reassurance here...or to be told otherwise maybe! Eldest is 9...had brand new school jumper 3 days....£30. Lost at school. I've said it will now have to be paid for out of their pocket money.
Have I been too harsh? I can't afford to just find the money for a new one - had a set of twins start school last week too and the uniform bill has been horrendous! Divorced and no offer of help financially from their dad towards extra cost of uniforms this month (pays basic CMS)

I just feel a bit guilty ....I think part of it is I feel a bit triggered by her lack of respect/care because her dad was like that. Blase attitude because good old Crystal would just replace it when things broke/needed fixing/got lost as I was the main earner in the marriage and pretty much paid for everything.

@ManchesterLu

I think it's because I said I give her £2.50 a week pocket money

But yes she does have form for being careless and a rather (very) entitled view of money

As a compromise I may set her extra chores rather than completing withholding all pocket money perhaps a couple of weeks on cat litter duty may do the trick

I think it's harsh and ultimately won't help her not lose stuff. She will resent you for it and be cross when really you want to work together to solve this.

Explain to her that the cardigan is very expensive and you will of course get her a new one, but it means you can't afford X the next time (mention a small treat like a take away or a hot chocolate)

Get her to look for it.

Remind her when she is going from one location to another, to pause and have a think if she has everything. After many lost water bottles, I'm getting my kids to always double check possessions when they are transitioning at school, it's helped a lot.

I feel for you OP. On one wage (divorced) I too flip my lid when something gets lost. Accidents happen. But if, as you say, she is blasé with money, then sometimes consequences matter. If I take my two out somewhere, I now give them an amount of money to spend rather than buy everything for them. It's amazing how much less they want to buy tat when it's out of their money. Tough love is a hard balancing act. Maybe as a compromise tell her she'll contribute half from her pocket money? X

Definitely not too harsh

Natural consequences

did this with our son and he stopped losing them. Only needed to do it once

Jumper is £30, kid gets £2.50 per week pocket money, would actually be more than 10 weeks but close enough.
op I think you'd be quite right to make her pay for it. Lots of the answers on this post show why we have a generation of entitled teenagers with no accountability for their actions. She's 9, she should be capable of looking after her belongings. And whilst it's not her fault that her dad is a feckless shit that has left you in the lurch, it is her fault that the jumper is missing.

Your emotions need to be based on what your child has done not the financial implications.

@LongLiveTheLego I don't need you to tell me what I need to do thank you. I was responding to OP

@LongLiveTheLego

Thats true

actions have consequences

But some consequences have financial implications

They are intrinsically linked and surely I shouldn't gloss over the fact that replacing a brand new jumper - whether it's though carelessness or accident or even though no fault of her own has a financial implication

Not too harsh at all OP,I threatened DD with a similar punishment when she lost a new coat.

In her case it turned up a week later,having been handed into the staff room rather than Lost Property.

I'd give it a fortnight. In 11 years of having a child or 2 at school, all lost uniform has turned up within a fortnight..

Sorry OP but you are being really vindictive to your dd. It's not her fault you're tight on money or are sending her to a primary school that costs £30 a jumper. Children lose things, often they turn up again.

Someone has probably said, it’s better if you can go somehow and check the lost property, when I left it to my child, it was never found, and as soon as I went, I found it.
Our school were odd, they never checked labels, so never returned named items, you had to go and find them yourself. and be quick before someone else decided to claim it for themselves

Of course it's her fault, she lost it.
9 years old is old enough to learn about responsibility and consequences

You realise vindictive means to want revenge

Which is certainly not what I'm looking for in this situation

You don't know if the school hold anything back, because you haven't called to ask and seem to refuse to entertain the idea of trying. If they say no, so be it, but until you ask it is silly to shut down the idea. There may well be nothing left at the end of the sales, but I'd be amazed if the school hadn't skimmed off a good supply of spares before the sale specifically for struggling families as well as accidents in school that necessitate a full change of clothes.
You have also ignored suggestions to ask on class groups if anyone is selling any outgrown jumpers. Not all parents are in a position to just give away expensive outgrown clothing, and will be keen to sell on and recoup some of the cost.

Not possible for a parent working full time

I think it is really harsh. I do think it’s annoying if she is entitled but she is still young and maybe has difficulty keeping hold of things. I would try to teach her strategies to be aware of her possessions and be empathic.

I had to label all DC uniform in the neckband so it was immediately obvious to anyone picking it up whose it was. Otherwise the moment it falls in the floor of the PE changing room it becomes anonymous and another child can put it on without realising.

If sewn labels are itchy you can get soft stickers that are absolutely unmovable. I've had them in donated clothes and they rip before the glue gives up. these I think

Even with the best labelling I frequently had to rummage through the lost property box at primary school.

@SkankingWombat

I did ask the school when I was looking for things for the twins in July when I was told about the branded shirts they needed. I was told there was nothing. They also don't expect to hold changes of clothes for children aged 9.....that's more for the little ones who may have a toileting accident. I even spoke to the twins teacher who said they would go and look on my behalf and she also said there was nothing really left this time bar a few ties

And I will likely ask on class groups but I'll wait until I see the outcome on Monday if it's found no point setting hate running at this point when I don't know if I even need one

But my daughter did need to know the consequences in advance - if I can get one from a parent either free or cheaper then that's fine and I'll tell her at that point

*hare

I'm shocked at the amount that think it's too harsh! 🙈 I think it's a good way to teach her to be responsible and not entitled. But after reading here, maybe a 50/50 split of the cost could be a good compromise?

Harsh/not harsh yanbu to be at the end of your tether.
To tell a 9 year old that stuff costs money and lost stuff has to be paid for is not unreasonable.
My dd at 10 came home without her new school jumper, so wore another to school the following day. Also came home without that one too.
She professed to have looked. I refused to replace and after a few more days she came home with one of them. Told her she better look after that one carefully cos it wasn't going to be replaced!
She did. This was middle school so teacher was not going to look for it.

This. Explain the situation. They're ridiculous for creating this situation. They should ban branded school clothing it's ridiculous.

It can take a few weeks for a lost jumper to turn up. It can sit in the playground, get handed to another teacher and forgotten about etc. Don't stress it'll turn up eventually.

Working in primary schools for many years I found it astounding that there was a mountain of lost property at any stage of the term. You should definitely have a look around. The children really couldn’t be bothered to look.

I think at juniors they need to start taking a bit of responsibility for their things. My 8yo lost countless cardigans in infants etc and I kept replacing and replacing. She’d just dump things wherever they came off. Ditto water bottles. From year 3 onwards I started to get much stricter. She went for a term without cardigans because she lost 5 of them (named!) and I refused to replace them in the summer term. I bought more for September under strict instruction she starts to take more care and will be replacing herself or go without. She lost a ballet cardigan at Easter
and I’ve just relented a term later now it’s getting colder but I feel like it is starting to work. I’m not sure how strict I’ll be during the colder months- it was much easier to be hardline during the summer.

By contrast her 5yo sister is much more careful. In a full year of reception she’d swapped a cardigan with another girl a couple of times but hasn’t lost anywhere near as much stuff so I’m not convinced it’s necessarily an age thing but more personality. My eldest is going to find secondary really hard if we don’t do something to help her get more organised with her things so I feel like she needs to learn now before the sanctions get more strict at secondary.