Lost school jumper....told no pocket money

[crystalmazelab]

I guess I'm just after a bit of reassurance here...or to be told otherwise maybe! Eldest is 9...had brand new school jumper 3 days....£30. Lost at school. I've said it will now have to be paid for out of their pocket money.
Have I been too harsh? I can't afford to just find the money for a new one - had a set of twins start school last week too and the uniform bill has been horrendous! Divorced and no offer of help financially from their dad towards extra cost of uniforms this month (pays basic CMS)

I just feel a bit guilty ....I think part of it is I feel a bit triggered by her lack of respect/care because her dad was like that. Blase attitude because good old Crystal would just replace it when things broke/needed fixing/got lost as I was the main earner in the marriage and pretty much paid for everything.

It hasn’t been lost, it’s been mislaid.

If it’s labelled you’ll find it in lost property or it will make it's way back to her.

On Monday, look in lost property. Even if her jumper isn’t there, I can guarantee another new jumper will be in there unlabelled.

£30 isn't going to come from just anywhere so it's either her pocket money she loses for a few weeks or it comes off her Xmas present budget
Oh my goodness, you sound so harsh!
Are you serious?
Your child is NINE.

1. 9 year olds lose stuff
2. 9 year olds aren't mature enough to understand the full value of money
3. She didn't ask you to send her to a school with an exorbitant school uniform cost
4. She didn't ask her parents to separate
5. She didn't ask for 2 siblings who would mean more school uniform costs
6. To a 9 year old, a cardigan is just a cardigan.....you cannot expect her to place a high value on a cardigan
7. If you had bought her a £5 cardigan from Asda, you would not be this level of annoyed. So you are punishing her for the fact that you chose to send her to a school where the cardigan costs £30.
8. You are expecting way too much of her at her age. Way too much.
9. She didn't lose this cardigan on purpose. She may have been hot, took it off, put it down and another kid picked it up thinking it was theirs. She hasn't deliberately destroyed it.
10. How stressed would you feel if you accidentally lost an item at work, didn't know where it had gone, maybe another colleague picked it up because this item you'd lost was something that every employee in your workplace had and they all looked 100% identical, and your boss said to you "Find it or I'm taking your pay off of you until you've paid for it".

11. Never, ever project your emotional triggers about your ex partner on to your child. 12. She's 9.

I think you would be harsh to punish her. It’s not her fault if someone has taken it so it isn’t in lost property. In a school such as this I would sew in an obvious name tag and a hidden one, such as inside a blazer pocket.

Yes I think it's really harsh to punish a young child for accidentally loosing something, especially if it shows up after the weekend. She's not blasé about your money. She's 9 years old, she won't understand the true value of money. I don't think punishing her like this is going to teach that. Children learn best with positive reinforcement. Not punishment.

@Enko

Yes I do worry about this too. I'm not saying I am perfect but I would say I have very good manners and very respectful when it comes to the value of money and how hard my parents worked to pay for things (and what they themselves went without to pay for things) and was from a young age

I don't think I let how her dad behaves / sort of person he is cloud my judgment - I just find it triggering I suppose - I was pretty calm about the whole thing but was firm and clear about the consequences and the reasons why (it's expensive and it's brand new)

Just using mumsnet as a sounding off board really as I don't get much response from the cat!

She has lost things before unfortunately / has had a blaze attitude to things going missing

I know you're probably just venting at the lost jumper situation, but your comments about how she's just like her dad etc. make me a bit sad for her.

She's nine. Nine year olds lose stuff, forget stuff and do silly things. If you can't afford a new jumper just yet, just say she'll have to wait X weeks until you can.

We’ve “lost” loads of primary jumpers, with a name tag on almost all have found their way back within a few days

however she clearly does need to learn to be a bit less scatty

If second hand sales take place in school hours, can you put the money in DD's bag and ask that a member of staff takes her to buy a jumper since you can't afford to keep buying new? If they say no, then say you'll just get her the nearest possible match from a high street shop (which they won't want either but they have left you with no option by having a ridiculous policy). Or ask one of her friend's parents if they can buy you one if you give them the money.

Honestly they are lucky they have pocket money, mine didn't! It's an important lesson

Yes I'm just venting really I obviously don't say to her "you are just like your dad!" Ik not that cruel even if I'm harsh in saying she has to use her pocket money to replace it - I'm just using this post to say things I can't say to anyone else really

Because there's no consequence for losing stuff and a lot of posters seem to think it's normal and no big deal, especially if it's cheap/easy to replace.That attitude will translate to the kids.

Having worked in a primary school office I can confirm that most of the time the jumper turns up. Often in a disgusting state. It's quite rare for it to never appear. The other option is to either go in to the office or ring and be completely honest about the financial situation. They can fish you out a second hand jumper from the sale stock and charge you the usual second hand price. I occasionally gave jumpers to parents in similar circumstances from the ones in lost property with no name on if it had been unclaimed for a while.

That's totally fair enough, I guessed as much!

I would compromise if you can - maybe check Facebook and see if there are second hand ones going cheap and ask her to pay half of that instead, for example, or tell her she needs to look at the second hand sale to try and find one if this one doesn't turn up etc.

I get it my son sounds "very much" like his father (who is a cunt) my son games like him so he shouts the same loses his temper at the game the same I struggle sometimes in the fact that he is NOT the same he just sounds so like him it's fucking awful I called him the wrong name once it was a wake up call for him and me he tries harder now and I'm more careful

They are different people but it's hard

Try to refrain yourself from thinking it too. It will show in your behaviour and also cloud the way you deal with certain things.Sins of the father and all that. It's a big burden to carry on tiny shoulders. Her mistakes /personality/behaviours are her own, and she will make plenty more mistakes as she grows as most people do, irregardless of whose daughter she is.

But of course she's lost things before and is blasé about it - this is because of her age!!
Oh my lord, poor child having such a disproportionate punishment for accidentally losing a jumper that I'm sure some other child picked up!

I'm with you on consequences, she needs to learnt the value of things and gratitude. Don't you have a class parents chat group where you can ask if somebody has taken it home by mistake or if another parent can pick up a second hand one for you during the sale and give to you at another time? It seems quite obtuse of the school to not facilitate you having a second hand one, say you pay for it and they give it to your daughter?

@NowImNotDoingIt

How do you know that? My son lost one jumper last year, I didn't punish him and he didn't lose any other things or destroy clothes in the way you mention.

I've taught him to respect his clothes and the school does the same. It's not about punishment.

If it was £30 or £3, it doesn’t matter. DD needs to learn to be responsible for her belongings. I’d give it some time, and maybe withhold the pocket money until you have the £30 or the jumper appears in LP, whichever comes first. Taking it from the Christmas budget might be a bit harsh.

You’re not mean—we do our children no favours when we fail to teach them that there are (sometimes uncomfortable) consequences to their actions.

@crystalmazelab it will probably be handed in on monday having been washed by the mother of the child who took it home in their schoolbag!! I was constantly doing other boys laundry when my son and daughter were at primary school!

She is glib about money because she just gets it, she doesn't do anything for it and hasn't had it used as a consequence for something she has done/lost.

It's not a bad lesson to learn that not taking care of things she needs means she has to use pocket money to cover some of it.

I don’t think you are harsh. I got so cross with my dd when she lost yet another PE kit with named trainers , that she begged I buy her. It gets ridiculous how much stuff gets lost and how you are just expected to replace it by blasé kids. I think teaching them a lesson about respecting and caring for property is a good thing.

The first thing is to definitely over-label clothes - not the sew in ones, big, fat permanent marker, and do it in a couple of places (including one that you can't easily see - like the inside of a pocket or up a sleeve).

If it's possible, do something to it that's not very noticable, but that you can see from a distance - eg. a little mark on a logo or a few stitches somewhere - so that you can keep an eye out on other kids.

I know I sound suspicious, but my eldest 'lost' loads of stuff (including a brand new pair of shoes) before I got wise and started heavily labelling things.

Second - be a squeaky wheel - call the school office, and keep calling (with a tinkley voice) until someone gets you a cardigan from that second hand store or finds your daughter's in the lost property. It's not a big ask, but people are lazy, so you need to be a squeaky wheel.

£30? Why did you spend that when you can get them so much cheaper in supermarkets and on Vinted?

Rtft