I don't want my 5 year old anymore

[icann]

I'm using a throwaway. Judge me all you want but I need some serious advice

I have 2 children..one who is 5 and who just gone 3.
My 5 year old is going into year 1..strongly suspected ADHD or autism. But the channels of diagnosis move slow. I'm sure it will crop up but no I cannot afford private

Right where to start. She's aggressive. I'm covered in cuts and bruises and scratches. My 3 year old is the same. She attacks her or me for the slightest infraction. Hitting, biting, screaming. The abuse she gives me. She laughs while she's doing it like it's funny. It's not. My 3 year old is terrified of her.

She doesn't listen. Does what the hell she wants. Nothing I say works. Nothing I say sinks in.

She doesn't sleep. She's awake till half 11 plus most nights. We've had the same bedtime routine since she was like a baby. Nothing works. Story, bath. Doesn't sleep. Just awake. Screaming abuse and hitting me and kicking me.

Speaks to me like I'm a slave. Her attitude stinks.

Refuses to go to school. God knows how ill get her there next week. Every morning is a battle. I've tried having a routine, getting her uniform sorted. Nothing works.

My 3 year old is losing all the time. Days out ruined. Can't watch her programme, can't play with her toys, can't do anything for fear of getting hurt. I watch them both like a hawk but inevitably my 3 year old comes out worse.

I don't want to do this. I don't see why I should. Yes she's my daughter but unconditional love only goes so far. I feel like scooping my 3 year old up and going as far away as possible. Dad is on the scene but works 5 days a week. 10 to 12 hour days. He has the same behaviour..

I've got a black eye and my daughter is currently sat with another bite mark from her sister. What's she going to be like at 8? Or 10? Or 14? The gp put her on a waiting list. The wait in my area is up to 4 years. I can't do this. I am.so broken and I have a 3 year old to think of.

Please help

What’s their routine/diet/screen time like?

(Really sorry btw it sounds hellish. But some more info on the family, what you do every day, what they eat and so on might help us to spot what could be contributing to the behaviour)

Just wanted to say I understand and we’re going through something very similar. I couldn’t read and run, I have no advice but I really am holding your hand here… x

She’s 5. What are the consequences for her behaviour?

The OP knows she’s 5.

Did you read the title of the thread?

Routine is the same as always has been

Awake between 7 and 8, depending on if the 3 year old wakes her which can happen
Breakfast.
We have tried to be out every day thru the half term, ranging from soft play, park to more expensive days out
Home
Tea time
Bath
Story
Bed

School is the same except were not out. Just ar school instead. Thru term time she has swimming and dancing on a Tuesday and a Thursday

All she wants to eat is junk. Ice lollies, chocolate, crisps..I don't ban these things. We have a fairly typical diet. Family meals. Breakfast is usually cereal or toast. Dinner is a sandwich, soup, toasties, picnic lunches. Tea is spaghetti bolognese, shepherds pie, fish, meat. She usually refuses. Throws her plate. Screams abuse. Punches anyone and everyone.

Screen time. The tvs on when we're home.. she's never usually actively watching it. If my 3 year old wants to watch something she immediately demands it. She doesn't have a tablet or a phone or anything like that

@Jifmicroliquid we've left days out, that unfortunately means my 3 year old is getting punished.
She has no items of value as she broke them and I'm not paying to replace them.. might sound harsh.
She doesn't have pocket money so I can't take that.

Social services are more likely to take the 3 yo into care as she’s NT if you mention wanting to give up the 5 yo. So just keep it to yourself. Your best bet is to try and contact them for help and support and try and get them to pay for a private referral and extra support.

I sympathise.

Dad is on the scene but works 5 days a week. 10 to 12 hour days. He has the same behaviour

Do you mean your DD behaves the same for her dad?
or do you mean the dad behaves the same as DD?!

@Ferne88 sorry she behaves just the same way for dad.

I have no advice op, we are in a similar situation! Just here to hold your hand, and let you know that I get it, and that you’re not alone!

What consequences do you impose for bad behaviour?

Do you have a partner or DH? Can you tag team with him, each of you look after one child at the weekends and in the evenings so they cannot fight?

What is her diet like? Do you cook from scratch, avoid sugar and additives.

How much exercise does she get? How do you wear her out? Is there anywhere that she does sleep - car seat?

Do you have family help, your mum or mil to help socialise and broaden their experience?

How does she behave at school? Have they raised any issues? Have you asked them for help?

When she goes back to school next week, you will get a well earned break during the day. As for getting her there, you get her dressed, pick her up, take her in and hand her over , and leave. Don't look back.

If she refuses to get dressed (as my DS did once) you put her clothes in the car and take her in her pjs. I bet she will want to get dressed in the car rather than let her class mates see her in her pjs. DS never tried that one again.

Don't blink. Don't give an inch. Hang in there.

OP you don't have to wait for a diagnosis to start treating her like she has one iyswim. If she is not neurotypical she could be constantly over stimulated and very stressed, I suppose the not sleeping wouldn't help either. Have you been to your GP? I don't know if GPs in the UK can prescribe melatonin. She could have pathological demand avoidance or oppositional defiant disorder. If ADHD is in the mix she'll be seeking stimulus.

The Explosive Child is a good book, there's also Low Demand Parenting.

I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time.

Hi OP. I highly recommend Newbold Hope. Yvonne Newbold's webinars are very helpful and there's also a supportive Facebook group for parents of children with special needs who display violent and challenging behaviour: www.newboldhope.com/

@Meadowfinch dad watches her when he gets home from work so I can shower and have some 1 on 1 time with the toddler. And settle her for bed. I can hear her kicking off with him.

We go out every day. Especially in the half term. Her behaviour is the same. Today for example we've been at the park. I bought both girls an ice cream. Oldest threw hers at me because she didn't like the way it looked (yeah I couldn't figure it out) so I said no she couldn't have another one. She pulled my youngests hair and spat at her. She dropped her ice cream. So I had 2 screaming children. Got them into the car. My 3 year old lost her day out and her ice cream. Through no fault of her own.

I cook from scratch every day. We very occasionally have a freezer meal.

So you leave days out, but what do you do when she throws her dinner plate at home? Or Screams at you and kicks you or your other child? What are the consequences for this?

Shes too young to care about pocket money anyway, regardless.

@Meadowfinch school have no concerns. They've said she's quiet in crowds and struggles with the noises. They've not flagged any issues with her behaviour.

Ban the junk. Just finish it and don’t replace it and see if the behaviour improves.

If dad doesn’t have 50/50 go to court for it.

Make school non-optional. Leave a full uniform there and physically carry her to school if needed.

Hitting- immediately take her to her room. Shut the door.

More physical activity might help. DS needs hugh intensity activity everyday.

I would try stopping screens and see if that helps. Also unless she doesn't eat then try pure food only.

Also her behaviour is communication.

If screens were calming then I'd say go with it - but if they are not then try to do without.
What does she eat? How is her weight?
If you think she could have ADHD or something then parent her as if she does, it won't do her any harm.
Is she better or worse in the holidays? Maybe you are "doing" too much - overstimulation can be a problem. Can she self regulate? What calms her?

There are lots of things you can try: weighted blankets, alone time, music, lights, textures.

What is she like at school? If they see some of those behaviours and can write a report you could be entitled to DLA. It sounds like you desperately need some respite in the first instance. Is there anyone who could take her for a few hours at the weekends? My adopted son can be very challenging and we have an older son who is very mature but also needs space from him. We manage it in the holidays through a combination of clubs paid for mainly by getting medium rate DLA. It is a challenge to get him there and some days it takes me ages to get him to go in.He has no physical disabilities, it is all behavioural. He has no diagnosis and we are on the waiting list for adhd assessment as well. We have very little help from family and i wouldnt ask a friend to step in.

Once there is a diagnosis some areas provide short breaks. Is she on the SEN register for behaviour?

I guess if social services had to step in at some point if things become unmanageable, you might be entitled to some respite care of some kind. It sounds really hard. Sorry you're going through this.

We go out every day. Especially in the half term. Her behaviour is the same. Today for example we've been at the park. I bought both girls an ice cream. Oldest threw hers at me because she didn't like the way it looked (yeah I couldn't figure it out) so I said no she couldn't have another one. She pulled my youngests hair and spat at her.

This sounds like overstimulation to me.

And at school she is probably masking (or so over stimulated she is dissociating).

I wonder what happens if you turn off the TV? Like others I’m just wondering whether she is freaking out cos there’s too much going on (3 year olds are a lot anyway), what’s she like at school?

@MollyButton I can't do this. I don't want to. My 3 year old is covered in cuts and bruises. I'm so tired of having this fight. My 3 year old is suffering

My son was like this, he's now 14 and an amazing young man. You need DISCLIPLINE. No she doesn't get screen time, treats, whatever because she's hit out. Put her in her room for time outs.
Be consistent. Tell her. 'If you behave you can have a lolly''no hitting all day and we'll watch your show' learn how to restrain her until she calms down.

I did this from ages 4-8 and then moved to 123 magic as the outbursts were less and he had a chance then to think about what he was doing. I didn't think I'd survive to be honest.

Did you explain why she couldn’t have another? Ie because she threw it at you & if she’d just told you why she needed a new one you might have bought one for her?