I don't want my 5 year old anymore

[icann]

I'm using a throwaway. Judge me all you want but I need some serious advice

I have 2 children..one who is 5 and who just gone 3.
My 5 year old is going into year 1..strongly suspected ADHD or autism. But the channels of diagnosis move slow. I'm sure it will crop up but no I cannot afford private

Right where to start. She's aggressive. I'm covered in cuts and bruises and scratches. My 3 year old is the same. She attacks her or me for the slightest infraction. Hitting, biting, screaming. The abuse she gives me. She laughs while she's doing it like it's funny. It's not. My 3 year old is terrified of her.

She doesn't listen. Does what the hell she wants. Nothing I say works. Nothing I say sinks in.

She doesn't sleep. She's awake till half 11 plus most nights. We've had the same bedtime routine since she was like a baby. Nothing works. Story, bath. Doesn't sleep. Just awake. Screaming abuse and hitting me and kicking me.

Speaks to me like I'm a slave. Her attitude stinks.

Refuses to go to school. God knows how ill get her there next week. Every morning is a battle. I've tried having a routine, getting her uniform sorted. Nothing works.

My 3 year old is losing all the time. Days out ruined. Can't watch her programme, can't play with her toys, can't do anything for fear of getting hurt. I watch them both like a hawk but inevitably my 3 year old comes out worse.

I don't want to do this. I don't see why I should. Yes she's my daughter but unconditional love only goes so far. I feel like scooping my 3 year old up and going as far away as possible. Dad is on the scene but works 5 days a week. 10 to 12 hour days. He has the same behaviour..

I've got a black eye and my daughter is currently sat with another bite mark from her sister. What's she going to be like at 8? Or 10? Or 14? The gp put her on a waiting list. The wait in my area is up to 4 years. I can't do this. I am.so broken and I have a 3 year old to think of.

Please help

DS has adhd and a high IQ. Saying no or refusing is a trigger but if I give him an explanation he’s fine.

School have no concerns. They said she's slightly quiet than the others and doesn't like loud noises. I think she will massively struggle in year 1 due to the more formal education.

Re the ice cream she doesn't communicate. She acts first. I didn't want to buy her a new one after throwing the other one
If she's said firstly there was an issue we could have solved it. Plus I don't have the money. 2 already was 7 quid

Have you looked into pathological demand avoidance

Reward her for using her words? Create a aticker chart.

Sticker charts don't work. We've had one up for months. She's never hit the reward part and then gets demoralised and gives up. Usually in the form of kicking and swearing.

She used to have calmer times and we could cuddle and read stories. And now she's like this all the time. I can't keep battling her

You need to reach out to GP/social services, get assessed for respite care. It will take a huge amount of effort and I appreciate it doesn’t yield amazing rewards but it could allow for a carer to come for some time each day and a few hours on a weekend so that everybody gets a break, you can spend time with 3 year old, take her out etc.

It is so difficult, my aunt was in exactly the same situation with her eldest and really was at the end of her tether, everyone was suffering and something has to give.

I’m sure you have already but keep pushing for diagnosis, I know you’ve said you can’t afford private but it’s worth checking as some private will offer payment plans which could make it more manageable than finding £1000’s upfront.

SS really don’t hand out respite care just like that.

Do you think she is possibly overstimulated? I would get rid of the screens. Is she getting enough sleep? Concerning the food do you think it could be a texture issue?

I know it is difficult. Our little humans rely on us to help them regulate their emotions. It seems like she needs a bit more of your time. Something routine wise has to change. What is in place now clearly isn't working for her.

I feel for you! You do have your hands full. Best of luck 🙂

She doesn't sleep at all. She is fighting it till late. Half 11 is the earliest. And she's up at 7. Or 8. I cannot get her to settle on a night. She gets aggressive usually

Cut out the junk food 100%, for some kids it's just rocket fuel for bad behaviour. No sugar, no juice, etc
Then get proper help, but without this first step it's hard for the other strategies to work.

I have no good ideas on how to help you with this difficult situation, except I would suggest revisiting your GP for your mental health to help you manage the difficult behaviour. I imagine it must be hard to stay calm around this behaviour, but a stressed household fuels impulsive behaviour. Does your DD's school run any parenting courses where you might get some tips on how to get her back on an even keel? I assume you've already have some kind of reward ladder for doing the right thing?

Swearing? How does your 5 year old know swear words, where has she heard them? For a 5 year old to be regularly swearing shes hearing swear words often enough for them to be familiar - OP do you and her Dad have arguments she hears, and swear at each other?
Just wondering if there is aggression elsewhere in her environment and its influencing her behaviour.
Also, you simply have to prevent her hurting her sibling - she's only 5, no matter how strong she is as an adult you should be capable of removing her to a safe distance. There are safe holding techniques you can use (generally with her back against your front) to prevent her from being able to kick/hit you while you remove her.

You poor thing. It sounds horrendous.

The gp doesn't want to know. Won't do anything. Told me that some kids are like this. And I can be referred on a waiting list for an assessment but could be 4 years.

I've cut out all the junk. Just some ice lollies but I don't want to punish my 3 year old. She's always losing and this feels so fucking unfair

This is abuse, please do not do this.

I’m sorry, this sounds awful. A lot of children with autism really struggle with sleep.

Sorry was posting in a hurry, wanted to add I’m so sorry this is what life is like for you all at the moment. My friend has one very similar, all I can tell you is that her terrible behaviour peaked at 4 or 5, the older she gets the less she behaves like this. She’s a lovely girl now - but I’ve seen the impact on her younger sibling too. All I can suggest is as others have suggested - split the kids at the weekend so the younger one gets a break. And speak to the doctor about melatonin. Have you tried that for her sleep?

@Thatmissingsock we live in a less than nice area. And we hear some very colourful language from the neighbours.

That’s impossible. Or you have high standards. She must have done something good. You need to reward every little thing as it happens and make the goals achievable for - you can’t take earned stickers away for bad behaviour.

If she's quiet in class and generally happy, then she can control herself, but she may be offloading stress as a consequence in the evening.

However, if she behaved like this all the way through the summer holidays when there is no school, no class, no stress of expectations, it sounds more like temper and resentment of her younger sister.

I'd remove all the junk from her diet, go back to basics with food and routine. Offer her simple food - plain chicken, cheese, bread, tomatoes etc.Water or milk to drink. If she refuses it, take it away until she is hungry then offer it again.

Make consequences for her behaviour simple, consistent and immediate. Take
@Ozanj ' advice. Try not to show any personal reaction to her behaviour. Don't let her see it achieve any effect.

I know it's tough.

First: a big hug. It’s so soo hard.

second: ignore the talk of consequences here. You can’t solve this with punishment. What you need to learn is how to parent a neurodivergent child.

third; the fact school see no problems is a huge red flag for a child masking hard and then having complete restraint collapse at home. You’re her safe harbour.

she’s not a bad kid, but she’s a kid having a bad time. This is the bit you need to figure out. Lots of resources suggested already - I find audio books and podcasts are easiest (who has time to sit and read at this stage?) and I wear one airpod so I can hear with the other ear too. Have a look for support groups in your area too.

Ask GP for melatonin - getting a good sleep routine is a game changer. High amounts of low demand exercise, preferably outdoors but swimming is great too.

I don’t know how it works in the uk but you could you bring her privately to an occupational therapist? Figuring out her sensory needs can make a huge difference.

She’s 5, she’s probably picking up on your preference for your younger child and her behaviour is a reaction to that.
Get your OH to take your young child and spend some 1:1 time with your eldest. You’ll probably notice a change in her behaviour.

@Ozanj I do not take earned stickers away

The sticker chart was
No hitting my sister
Use please and thank you
Speak to mummy and daddy kindly.

I'm not asking her to be an angel..I'd like my 3 year old to not be a punching bag

This sounds like how my daughter used to be and still can be like. If you can, access NVR if you are under cahms, ask them or Barbados. NVR changed our lives, it Non Violent Resistance Training. My daughter ruled our lives. If you need to, send me a Dm. NVR teaches you how to resist the violence and take back the control that your child has over you. My daughters violent outbursts are few and far between now.