I don't want my 5 year old anymore

[icann]

I'm using a throwaway. Judge me all you want but I need some serious advice

I have 2 children..one who is 5 and who just gone 3.
My 5 year old is going into year 1..strongly suspected ADHD or autism. But the channels of diagnosis move slow. I'm sure it will crop up but no I cannot afford private

Right where to start. She's aggressive. I'm covered in cuts and bruises and scratches. My 3 year old is the same. She attacks her or me for the slightest infraction. Hitting, biting, screaming. The abuse she gives me. She laughs while she's doing it like it's funny. It's not. My 3 year old is terrified of her.

She doesn't listen. Does what the hell she wants. Nothing I say works. Nothing I say sinks in.

She doesn't sleep. She's awake till half 11 plus most nights. We've had the same bedtime routine since she was like a baby. Nothing works. Story, bath. Doesn't sleep. Just awake. Screaming abuse and hitting me and kicking me.

Speaks to me like I'm a slave. Her attitude stinks.

Refuses to go to school. God knows how ill get her there next week. Every morning is a battle. I've tried having a routine, getting her uniform sorted. Nothing works.

My 3 year old is losing all the time. Days out ruined. Can't watch her programme, can't play with her toys, can't do anything for fear of getting hurt. I watch them both like a hawk but inevitably my 3 year old comes out worse.

I don't want to do this. I don't see why I should. Yes she's my daughter but unconditional love only goes so far. I feel like scooping my 3 year old up and going as far away as possible. Dad is on the scene but works 5 days a week. 10 to 12 hour days. He has the same behaviour..

I've got a black eye and my daughter is currently sat with another bite mark from her sister. What's she going to be like at 8? Or 10? Or 14? The gp put her on a waiting list. The wait in my area is up to 4 years. I can't do this. I am.so broken and I have a 3 year old to think of.

Please help

I expect they will likely start to see more of her behaviour now things are becoming a bit more rigid as she's gone up a year.

I would suggest keeping a separate diary for incidents at school so that things relayed verbally are recorded/evidenced. I was told that diaries like this can be used as evidence in court (e.g. if you need to go to tribunal to get her moved to a specialist placement later down the line)

"Mrs X told me at pick up that [daughter] threw a chair in response to [thing]"

"Mr X called at 10am to inform me that [daughter] had done [thing] because of [reason]"

Thinking of you @icann, you’re being put through such a lot, even parenting children who don’t have behavioural challenges can be hard enough, please don’t be hard on yourself. You’re doing the best you can in a really rubbish set of circumstances. You and your husband can’t be expected to handle this alone, I hope that the services you need kick in soon.
Just out of interest I wonder what age you noticed your daughter’s behaviour was unusual? Was it apparent from baby stages?

Another one thinking of you and your little family @icann, hoping that the return to school has given a bit of much needed respite.

So we've had a horrid first week back. I haven't updated as haven't had chance. Unfortunately eldest has broke her arm. She threw herself at her sister and slipped in the process. She landed on her arm and she's broke it in 2 places. I'm broken for her but if anything gets rhe ball rolling this must be it

Oh no! What a nightmare. Is she in much pain?

Yes a lot but she won't take calpol or nurofen as she doesn't like the taste or the texture. So she's just incredibly angry

Anything strong tasting you can hide it in? Ribena? Lucozade?

Oh no!

If you can find out the appropriate dose in tablet form you could try crushing the tablet between 2 spoons and mixing up the powder in a spoonful of sugar.

(DS takes his emotional regulation meds this way, with a piece of candy afterwards as a bribe. Yes all that sugar is not ideal but it gets the job done).

It can be so so hard. I hope your dd heals up soon and gets the help she needs.

I am terribly sorry for your difficulties. Surely somebody, somewhere has responsibility for putting a plan in place.
I know you aren't happy with the GP but the situation is very serious.

Oh gosh, what a week, that does sound horrific, hope you manage to make some time for yourself this week.

I have the utmost sympathy for her. She was angry because the 3 year old had got a sticker at nursery and she hadn't got one from school. Never mind that the whole house is full of stickers and tat. And the 3 year old was so proud as 3 year olds usually are I guess the elder felt jealous or some other strong emotion. And she hurt herself. 7 hours in a and e. My husband has requested to work from home for the next month. He usually doesn't because he needs to concentrate but just knowing I can knock on the door and he's there is a help. She is going to school tomorrow if I can get the pain under control. Going to see if I can get some chocolate milk and mix calpol or something.

Oh @icann . I am so sorry for all you're all going through. I don't have any useful expertise but wanted to say that you sound like the most wonderful mother: so caring snd compassionate to both of your girls. They are both very, very lucky to have you (even if they don't realise how much so right now).

You have done exactly the right thing to ask your in laws for help. You'd help your girls in any way you could, wouldn't you? It's the same for them with your husband.

A stranger on the Internet is thinking of you and wishing you the very best

Poor wee thing. I hope it heals quickly for her. Chocolate milk is a good idea. If you have a blender you could try making smoothies/milkshakes? My kids like one with a whole banana, a teaspoon of cocoa, and then some milk. It's quite a strong flavour so would probably hide the calpol well.

Good luck with it all; this is extra stress you didn't need, but you're right that it might help you get the help you all need a bit quicker.

What did they say at A and E when you told them the cause of the injury?

Was the teachers meeting with the school senco? Sencos are often much better at feeding through to whatever help your LA might have. Was there any discussion of disabled children's social services? You really should have access to them at this point - they aren't 'normal' children's social services, and people are often put off because they're nervous of social services. But you are very likely to qualify for some ongoing support - eg families I know get genuine short breaks - a trusted worker to take their child out. And I suspect they may be able to help in other ways too.

You're doing great. Keep going.

Sadly, sometimes it takes something like this to happen to get things moving and to make people listen. My son ended up in hospital this summer (due to himself and his own struggles) which was awful... but we were able to use it as proof that he badly needs support. Shouldn't be thay way, but it is. I'm so sorry it's been such a dire week. Thinking of you.

Poor kid. That’s real major

How awful for all of you.

I would in these circumstances allow anything that gets the meds down.
If it takes chocolate fudge frosting followed by prawn cocktail crisps, anything.

Oh gosh what a week. I have a similar problem with my autistic child and calpol/nurofen. I tend to use the 6+ strawberry calpol and calculate the correct dose so it's a smaller volume than the 3 month+ one, and manage to get it into him mixed into strawberry milkshake

Same problem with medicine here too.

We either hide it in yoghurts etc, or try and get the dissolvable Calpol Fastmelts and put them in his drinks.

ADHD tablets have gone in cheese sandwiches, on toast, in between two layers of a biscuit.

Basically hide them anywhere she’ll eat without thinking!

I have the same problem with medicine, at a push I can get calpol into them but that’s it. Antibiotics are an absolute no no. It’s a nightmare. Melatonin gets hidden in food.

@icann

How's things going??

Thinking about you

It’s so difficult because as a grandparent or friend what can you do other than support the parents and hold them while they cry and let them talk it through to get it of their chest? Maybe ask grandparents if they can help out by taking one child at a time for them to have a little respite ( we do this as grandparents ) it would mean both children get a bit of time out and the parents get to spend some one on one time with the other child at least . I can say that we haven’t been bitten punched or spat at or had our hair pulled. But I know my daughter and some of the teacher has.

I’m autistic and loooved calpol lol but I struggled to swallow tablets until around 12/13. I am fine now with them so hopefully OP’s daughter will be, takes a lot of patience though.