I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

[PoliteEagle]

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

Or you could save up so you have savings to fund yourself being a SAHM and keep your outgoings low, then you can marry whoever you like.

I’d think very, very carefully before becoming financially dependent on a man, it could lead to a miserable life.

I could be a SAHM if I wished (DH is a professional that earns well but not a banker), but I like my career and value my independence.

Have you considered saving up, getting some passive income streams and overpaying your mortgage to give you a payment break or just reduce payments until they go to school.

After what happened to me, I would never be a SAHM. Also my friends who are are trapped. I'm lucky I have a career that I enjoy and I can balance things for the kids. But I'm glad I wasn't financially reliant on my ex

It depends on what you want your lifestyle to be like - if you want to live in a period house in Primrose Hill and spend your days doing Pilates and coffee before picking the kids up from private school, then yes you will probably need to marry a banker. If you want to live in a three bedroom house in Cheltenham or Yeovil, any decent professional salary will probably be fine.

Well you have to marry someone who:
A) can afford to support the whole family on their one wage
B) who wants to do so ie wants traditional gender roles. Even if they are a high earner they might want to marry someone else who is ambitious and career oriented

I wouldn't think they have to be a banker just someone who earns very well. I am not and never have been a SAHM it's not for me. My friends who are married an estate agent, a tech entrepreneur and an accountant. They met at school, uni and arranged marriage respectively

What if the bankers/traders/consultants decide they want to divorce or meet someone else? Very common in those circles. Divorce settlements in the home counties or London don't last forever, even on those salaries.

What will your friends do then?

Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes. Always have a plan in case the worst should happen.

Surely, SURELY you find a good man you love and want to have a family with, save as much as possible, really reduce your overheads if needed and then decide if being a SAHM is doable?

Going into a relationship making it clear from the off you want to be financially dependent on them sounds like a recipe for disaster. I can’t imagine wanting to prioritise being a SAHM over everything else like that.

If you're average looking don't waste your time. They have options.

I had a higher paying job (still only £55k) than my husband, got unexpectedly pregnant, saved all my money whilst pregnant and on maternity leave. I was a stay at home mother for the first two years. Now I work for two days a week (earning £35k pro rata). It’s great, I’ve got £20k in savings to use if needed but haven’t had to so far. My husband earns £28k a year.

So, I would just find someone you like and would be supportive of what you want.

I'm one and married to a software developer so no you don't. Income is circa 140k plus bonus.

If you marry a man who wants a stay at home wife, you can make it work on 50k. If you marry a man who doesn’t want a SAHW, he won’t be able to afford it on 500k.

Shared goals and values are more important than the financials.

I'm a sahm and DH is a tech entrepreneur, so no you don't need to marry a banker. There are plenty of other well-paid professions. DH's work suits us better than many other professions as it doesn't have long hours, he can wfh when he likes and never needs to work at weekends or evenings. I manage our investments and have generated enough returns to be financially independent.

I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant.

Obviously you don’t need to marry a banker or lawyer. You know 2 SAHMs whose husbands are tradesmen. EDIT you mean stocks and shares traders right? 😂 well, I know loads of wealthy builders to be fair.

I was a SAHM for 9 years. Absolutely loved it. Best time ever.

This.

I’m married to a highly paid banker. He wouldn’t want a SAHW.

“Bankers” aren’t some collective hive of drones. Most people want different things, regardless of their job title.

I wonder what the responses would be if a man posted this

Maybe save up get some career aspirations from somewhere and work your way up to a good salary that allows you the option to be a stay at home mum alongside a partner rather than rely on a man to get you there?

Looking after children, especially under 5s, can be monotonous and exhausting. You may find when the time comes you actually don’t want to be a stay at home mum. All my friends who went part time when had babies never managed to recover their careers and regretted it later. You never know what disaster is around the corner and I would never be so daft as to make myself financially dependent on someone else. If you are it is very hard to escape from them when things go wrong.

I do agree with this, many high earning men nowadays want an ambitious and driven wife who’ll continue to be a person beyond just wife and mother. TBH the ones I’ve known who openly wanted a SAHM wife are not men I’d want to be married to.

Traders, not tradesmen! 😂

Planning your life around being financially dependent on someone else is incredibly dangerous, IMHO.

Everyone's different but personally for me even if we could afford for me to be a SAHM I wouldn't be.
I don't like the thought of being financially reliant on a man knowing they could leave at any point and leave me screwed financially.
I work full time as does DP but even if I could afford not to work I'd still work

I was a SAHM because, apart from the first one my four babies weren’t planned and were all very close together.

My husband didn’t earn quite as much as I did when I stopped working but we somehow had enough. When mine got a little older I became a professional childminder to two children so I could still be at home.

This is how I did it. I purposefully delayed having children until my late 30s/early 40s so I could be stable and well established in a career (making taking a break from it easier), could save a very healthy pot of my own money, be well into paying off a mortgage and building a pension, and of course, enjoy life and my husband before adding to our family. Those choices have allowed me to be a SAHM to my 2 kids (currently 3.5 years and 13 months). My DH has been involved and supportive in all of those decisions, and we have approached it all as a team, but I am also independently able to maintain myself and my children should I need to.

So if you want to be a SAHM, you shouldn't be looking at simply marrying someone who you think will fund this for you, but you need to make active choices for yourself that will make your wish a reality. Yes, part of that is about marrying well, but when I say marrying well, I don't mean marrying someone to merely bankroll your life, I mean choosing a man who will make a good father, someone who will get stuck in and be hands on, someone who will love, support and respect you, just as much as you love and support them. Raising kids is hard and choosing the father to your children needs to be done with real care (just read some of the many threads on here about feckless fathers). Choosing based on his bank balance and what he can provide for you is both selfish and foolish

I’m looking for a man in finance
trust fund
blue eyes
Levis

Really?

Married to a HNW individual but when we married I was a high flyer too. Now SAHM and want to LTB but have given it all.

Dont be me. Find a career you love. Make your OWN MONEY.

Don’t be the girl in the song.

Hmmm
If thats what you want i think your best bet is probably a manager or director level engineer in tech.

They in aggregate are probably a nicer bunch than the bankers.

Orrrr someone else who runs their own businesses / is an entrepreneur.

Tech or business ent would be my pref way above banker.

So, in essence, you want to be a gold digger?

IMO in addition to the roles listed, you also need them to come from a wealthy background if you want a really good lifestyle where you aren’t ploughing all the money into the mortgage and PCP agreements.

I don’t think you sound like a great catch though…unless they’re looking for a gold digger!