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Original poster

I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

459 replies

PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 21:11

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

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sweetkitty · 27/08/2024 23:01

I was a SAHM for 11 years mainly because we chose to have 4 DC close in age so couldn’t afford childcare for them all. I don’t regret it but would I recommend it to my daughters - no! It’s too much of a gamble.

I have been very fortunate, I was the higher earner when I gave up my job and we moved from SE England to Scotland so cheaper housing. No foreign holidays and one average car. DHs career took off in leaps and bounds during this time which was also fortunate. I returned to university when my youngest DC was 6 and now have a good career working full time. I enjoyed my years at home and now I enjoy working.

BUT it was a huge gamble, DH and I could have split up, he could have walked out at any point, he was extremely fair with the finances, none of our children have SEN, DH could have became unwell, there’s lots that could have gone wrong.

I would other anyone thinking of giving up their career to think very long and hard about it, I was lucky I have a second career now. It’s also great in that being used to one income for years all our household bills are based on one income so essentially my salary is extra money which has been invaluable in this climate and with teenagers.

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:02

lizzyBennet08 · 27/08/2024 22:19

Honestly I admire your honesty but in reality there are lots and lots of frogs out there . Finding anyone compatible and kind and good husband material in todays world is hard, if you're going to throw in only high earners who'd be happy to have their wife stay at home and not contribute financially youlll be picking from an incredibly small pool.
Maybe you might be lucky but depending on what age you are I wouldn't be waiting for that specific mr right for ever.

This is spot on. And that worries me at all. Especially when you look at dating threads and see all those posts about men

OP posts:
Mnetcurious · 27/08/2024 23:03

Focus on finding the right person - someone you fall in love with, who makes you happy and feel loved and respected. If he earns enough for you to be a sahm and is agreeable to that arrangement then that’s a bonus. A happy relationship with a good man is the most important thing, not his ability to financially provide the life you (think) you want.

Before I had children I used think I wanted to be a sahm, the reality turned out to be that I went back to work part time and really appreciated the break from babies/toddlers even though I loved being their mum and my world revolved around them, I don’t think I would have actually enjoyed being at home full time after maternity leave ended. You don’t know how you will really feel until you’re actually in that situation.

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brunettemic · 27/08/2024 23:04

dothehokeycokey · 27/08/2024 21:28

I wonder what the responses would be if a man posted this Hmm

Maybe save up get some career aspirations from somewhere and work your way up to a good salary that allows you the option to be a stay at home mum alongside a partner rather than rely on a man to get you there?

I was thinking exactly the same! Imagine a man posting he effectively wants to marry a high earning woman to stay at home.

Hoursneeded · 27/08/2024 23:05

How old are you OP? IME most men looking for a SAHM are looking for a slave. You don't have DC yet, pre DC I thought I would have loved to be a SAHM but work really is my break from being 'Mum'. Working part time is a much better quality of life and much more doable in my opinion.

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:08

McPlant1 · 27/08/2024 22:24

You literally did. they are married for 5+ years, if assets to be split equally, they will never have to work again. I stand by this not being remotely normal.

While I agree it would be nice if more jobs allowed for a parent to stay at home if they so wish, I shudder at the notion of financially providing being a man’s role.

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never work for them (friends) if they wanted, not me:)

I guess i am very old fashioned in regards to gender roles which makes my dating pool even smaller if i wont follow modern tendencies

OP posts:
Mabelthebore · 27/08/2024 23:09

Such negativity about SAHMs. I was one for 6 years and they were the happiest times for me. I never took it for granted. Loved our chilled days while those with two parents working always seemed so stressed. My kids loved having me home too. My husband respected what I was doing and I never felt I had lost my independence or anything like that. We are a unit and have always been that way. I would say if you want to do it then do it, it really is special. Such happy times.
I am so grateful I got to spend all that time with my kids rather than continue working in a job I just tolerated whilst putting my kids in childcare all day. It had such a positive impact on our family. My dh has a good job, (not a banker!!!).
People are different and we all want different things. We have to respect that. Some people find careers they love while others are happiest at home with their kids.

SquirrelMadness · 27/08/2024 23:11

brunettemic · 27/08/2024 23:04

I was thinking exactly the same! Imagine a man posting he effectively wants to marry a high earning woman to stay at home.

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Or a man asking how he can find a woman who'll do all his cooking, cleaning, ironing, housework.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 27/08/2024 23:12

The people I remember being SAHMs when DS was younger were those who were in low paying jobs, had two children close in age and it wasn't worth them returning to work as the child care costs would have been more than their income.

Inlaw · 27/08/2024 23:12

PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 22:47

at least couple of millions.. but these are stand alone cases
No, not extremely rich, or not even rich at all. Just someone who has means to provide for their family and not living from paycheck to paycheck and who is happy to do so.
I would need to fall in love with him first :) that's gonna be difficult as I am attracted to ambitious, driven and intelligent men. Though these are often are not making good partners

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What haha 🤣

Im sorry OP this can’t be real.

If this is real then 2-3 million is not never work again money. And anyone who can create that amount of wealth will absolutely not shack up with someone who thinks it is.

Oblomov24 · 27/08/2024 23:12

Blimey, wouldn't a part time job be best?

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:14

EuclidianGeometryFan · 27/08/2024 22:27

I hear you.
Decades ago, many women had a choice to be a full time housewife. Housing was cheap enough that a man could afford to keep a family housed on his earnings alone, run a cheap car, and still have a simple week's family holiday in the UK each year.
Women have lost that choice. We have mostly lost the choice to bring up our own children without childminders, nurseries, before-and-after school clubs, holiday clubs, and the constant headache of the arrangements all falling apart.
We can't be there every time they are a bit unwell. We mostly can't be there for them when they set off for school, be there when they get back, and spend the afternoon preparing a really good from-scratch healthy dinner.

Some women really loved the housewife role, but so few now have any chance to try it, except for a brief stint of maternity leave (which is the worst time to enjoy "being a housewife" as the baby takes up all your time and energy), with the 'return to work' hanging over the last few months.

thank you and now you are being called a gold digger just because you want be there for your kids while they are growing up...

OP posts:
brunettemic · 27/08/2024 23:15

SquirrelMadness · 27/08/2024 23:11

Or a man asking how he can find a woman who'll do all his cooking, cleaning, ironing, housework.

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Become a banker apparently 🫣

Hoursneeded · 27/08/2024 23:17

PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:14

thank you and now you are being called a gold digger just because you want be there for your kids while they are growing up...

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You say that but you're hoping to find a man that has little time to be 'Dad'. If you really cared about parents being there whilst DC grow you'd look for a partner willing to really commit himself to you and DC, to grow a family as a team.

HotCrossBunplease · 27/08/2024 23:17

Are you from the UK OP? Only your English reads as if it is a second language, albeit extremely fluent.

The reason I ask is that you might find that a man who is also not UK born and bred might be more open to a traditional family setup.

mapleriver · 27/08/2024 23:17

How old are you OP? It's easier to find a guy who won't expect you to work when you're mid 20s or lower so you have time to bond with him, an older man probably won't want to bankroll you when he's been playing the field, he's not going to have been waiting around for a woman to keep at home if he's in his 30s and is more likely to use you and spit you out when you age if he's an older guy.
I'd recommend looking for someone with familial wealth vs just career. I don't work and don't have kids yet and have been with my partner for 7 years, make sure you have your own passive income to fall back on if you're pursuing the stay at home route even if you have the means to have a good career

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:19

PeerKristijan · 27/08/2024 22:28

@PoliteEagle

I'm afraid so. I want to have a family someday where one of the parents stay at home and my financial calculations always rely on the idea that I'll be earning significantly more than the the average population(or my wife will have to) as a software engineer. I jotted down how much the average salary for software engineers (according to the BLS, software engineers outearn financial analysts on average [aka: they outearn bankers in the US]) in countries as diverse as the UK, the US, and South Africa, and here's what I found. So, to ensure that the family is fed well, lodged in a good neighborhood, and have a fair bit of money to spend and save with the aforementioned salalary, it's a bit of a stretch, but still doable. That being said, I come from a relatively affluent background, so maybe more normal folks might be able to make do with having a stay-at-home spouse and make an average wage.

In any case, I have something else to say to you. I know that the zeitgeist these days is leaning towards the idea that a woman ought not to be a stay-at-home wife because she can't be dependent on a man and can't live a life without a vibrant career, which is readily evident by some of the comments in this thread. However, I'm not sure if that's true for any gender because me personally, I believe that children need time and attention from adults which the school system can't give and two parents who are already exhausted by work might not be able to. Personally, I think that my field sucks. I might be working on advanced algorithms and cutting edge tech, but I'm still staring at an IDE all day. Not saying careers aren't right for everyone, but if you wanna be a stay-at-home parent, then good for you!

Do let me know what you think of my reply, and have a good day.

Edited

I appreciate your reply, especially as it is coming from a man perspective.
I just want to raise my kids by myself and look after them, after my house and after my husband and of course after myself. This is nowadays seems to be a gold digging.
I think I will do this role better than a nanny, or house keeper or a child minder or what ever. I dont want to be stuck in the office doing meaningless job (and most of office jobs are - just making corporation richer) instead of investing my time into my kids and my family

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 27/08/2024 23:20

Just start dating and let a man know of your wishes to get married, have kids and that you don't want to work outside the home. And see what reactions you get I guess.

Original poster
PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:20

suki1964 · 27/08/2024 22:30

Thread like this make me want to slit my throat

WTF have we been fighting for equality?

If you want to be a SAHM, fund it

Why are women in the 21st century either expecting men to fund them or the state?

I haven't been fighting for this. Why should I pay for other people fights?

OP posts:
Glitterglitch · 27/08/2024 23:21

If this is real then 2-3 million is not never work again money.

Of course it could be

Teenyweenytinytrees · 27/08/2024 23:22

My husband works for the NHS, we have 5 kids and I have always been at home. Our eldest is 12. In the early days we were young married students and we lived very simply, we were always content with where we were in life and didn't wish or want for more. These days I think people think we are far wealthier than we are, but I think that comes from years of making the most of the little we had and it's paid off.

Femme2804 · 27/08/2024 23:22

I’m a SAHM. I was a psychologist before but hate my job and always want to be a sahm.

i married an UI/UX designer, DH salary approaching 100k. Have comfortable live not too flashy but quite comfy. First time when ww got married he was earned around £50k. So i think you can be a sahm with £50k. Its really depend on lifestyle. But i guess it would be hard if its below £50k.

WanOvaryKenobi · 27/08/2024 23:22

PoliteEagle · 27/08/2024 23:20

I haven't been fighting for this. Why should I pay for other people fights?

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Because you are expecting your entire life to be paid for by a man. Without really stating what you can actually bring to the table. And when you do end up as a single mum we will all be paying your rent.

Meganssweatycrotch · 27/08/2024 23:22

I did what @Frowningprovidence suggests. Got a passive income and I support myself as a SAHM. Never ever rely on another persons income/generosity. Without bringing anything to the table the balance of power tips and your leave yourself very vulnerable.

Inlaw · 27/08/2024 23:23

Glitterglitch · 27/08/2024 23:21

If this is real then 2-3 million is not never work again money.

Of course it could be

It could. But not if your OP. But more importantly not if you wish to leave wealth for your children. Which someone of this wealth would expect.

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