I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

[PoliteEagle]

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

@PoliteEagle my point is you shouldn't look for a man JUST for the result of being a SAHM.
If you find someone you love and that happens then great but don't bet on it happening.
You're better off setting yourself up for that lifestyle.
For some it works out how they want, for others it doesn't.

I find the way you're thinking about a potential husband quite clinical. Listing all the professions and character traits you'd like. Even though there is nothing wrong with being a SAHM the way you're approaching it feels wrong. I work limited hours because our son has profound autism, I met my DH at university and we both had great careers. I can't really imagine going into a relationship like I'm evaluating a house to buy. It seems so loveless.

It is affordable, but as you say you’d have to drop your living standards for a while - camping holidays and only running one car, for example. Assuming you both have some equity, there are plenty of three bedroom houses in Beckenham, Tooting etc for £600k.

If you return to PT work once the kids are in school, your income would go up to £7k a month which is much more do-able with a London mortgage.

The issue you are going to have I think is finding somebody else who is willing to take that drop in living standards so you can be a SAHM - they do exist, but your dating pool is more limited.

IME these couples tend to move out of London (way out of London, so they still get the big house), and you end up doing literally everything in the arse end of Somerset with no car while they commute back to London and behave like they are still single with no family responsibilities.

yeah, thats fine with me, i love cooking and looking after my house and myself. Doing makeup everyday even without high earning man 😅
Plan B yes, you are right

You literally did. they are married for 5+ years, if assets to be split equally, they will never have to work again. I stand by this not being remotely normal.

While I agree it would be nice if more jobs allowed for a parent to stay at home if they so wish, I shudder at the notion of financially providing being a man’s role.

@PoliteEagle I think you will find that Miss Becky Sharp ended up cutting herself.

I'm dead lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I hear you.
Decades ago, many women had a choice to be a full time housewife. Housing was cheap enough that a man could afford to keep a family housed on his earnings alone, run a cheap car, and still have a simple week's family holiday in the UK each year.
Women have lost that choice. We have mostly lost the choice to bring up our own children without childminders, nurseries, before-and-after school clubs, holiday clubs, and the constant headache of the arrangements all falling apart.
We can't be there every time they are a bit unwell. We mostly can't be there for them when they set off for school, be there when they get back, and spend the afternoon preparing a really good from-scratch healthy dinner.

Some women really loved the housewife role, but so few now have any chance to try it, except for a brief stint of maternity leave (which is the worst time to enjoy "being a housewife" as the baby takes up all your time and energy), with the 'return to work' hanging over the last few months.

@PoliteEagle

I'm afraid so. I want to have a family someday where one of the parents stay at home and my financial calculations always rely on the idea that I'll be earning significantly more than the the average population(or my wife will have to) as a software engineer. I jotted down how much the average salary for software engineers (according to the BLS, software engineers outearn financial analysts on average [aka: they outearn bankers in the US]) in countries as diverse as the UK, the US, and South Africa, and here's what I found. So, to ensure that the family is fed well, lodged in a good neighborhood, and have a fair bit of money to spend and save with the aforementioned salalary, it's a bit of a stretch, but still doable. That being said, I come from a relatively affluent background, so maybe more normal folks might be able to make do with having a stay-at-home spouse and make an average wage.

In any case, I have something else to say to you. I know that the zeitgeist these days is leaning towards the idea that a woman ought not to be a stay-at-home wife because she can't be dependent on a man and can't live a life without a vibrant career, which is readily evident by some of the comments in this thread. However, I'm not sure if that's true for any gender because me personally, I believe that children need time and attention from adults which the school system can't give and two parents who are already exhausted by work might not be able to. Personally, I think that my field sucks. I might be working on advanced algorithms and cutting edge tech, but I'm still staring at an IDE all day. Not saying careers aren't right for everyone, but if you wanna be a stay-at-home parent, then good for you!

Do let me know what you think of my reply, and have a good day.

Disgusting. I hope his next wife has her own income.

Thread like this make me want to slit my throat

WTF have we been fighting for equality?

If you want to be a SAHM, fund it

Why are women in the 21st century either expecting men to fund them or the state?

These posts always bring out the judgemental ‘you’d have to be daft/stupid to financially depend on a man’ comments - jeeeeesus. The word is CHOICE. We can have a choice! I know the recent financial pressures are affecting that choice for a lot of women now - but if the option works for a family then why not do it?

I am a SAHM and have been for four years, my husband is an engineer on £70k. We have a flat but currently saving for a house. My job wouldn’t have paid for full time childcare and it wasn’t a passion of mine to pursue, so for us it didn’t make sense to continue to do it once we had our babies. I have my own savings, I have my own bank account and we have a joint account for the food and house spending. When we buy our next house I will be on the deeds and listed on the mortgage as a ‘homemaker’ which will give me security should anything happen, although as we’ve been married 5+ years I have security anyway. We’ve claimed the 15 hours a week free childcare for our daughter to attend preschool 2 days a week from 3 years old, and once the children are at school I’ll look for something part time.

What about this is apparently ‘daft’ or ‘stupid’? Some of you should open your mind and see you are still judging women and putting them into a box we don’t need to be in. I understand not all SAHM have these securities in place, but not everyone is aspiring or living the ‘Trad Wife’ life either - sometimes it just makes sense!

Otherwise; I’d suggest finding the right man first and go from there! 😅 SAHM life is full on so you’ll want to actually love the guy when he’s leaving you with the chaos all day! 😆

Um...

wtf.

Maybe find a man you love and want to marry and worry about the rest later

Thanks for sharing your experience and well done on saving and having your own property. The problem with me is that I earn well but I also spend a lot on stuff like overseas travel (go abroad 4 times per year), beauty, gym and other hobbies. If I remove this, I will be living very unhappy life... I am investing 5% of my salary into overpaying a mortgage and another 6% into private pension, have some savings as well but nowhere near enough to be SAHM for 5 years.
Some years ago I dated a software engineer though and we were discussing our views on family, he said he would be fine if his wife would want to be SAHM or prefers to work, whatever, I just didnt like him enough to continue seeing him, though he was a nice guy, attraction just wasnt there

This is so odd. I suggest you find a man who you love....who would make a good life partner and father, with similar values.

Also, side note- bankers get made redundant all the time and often don't have a career past 45/50. You might find you married a banker, who is no longer a banker a couple years later!

i think willingess of a man to cheat is not determined by how much money he earns. If a man wants to cheat he will cheat regardless if his wife is at home or head of marketing at ftse100

I don't think anyone's suggesting you're stupid, but I took all those precautions and indeed, I'm in a much better position than I would have been without being married, but when DH died, I needed an income big enough to support us all, not just a share of his assets. Yes, there was some life insurance and a small pension, but if I hadn't kept my career going, I wouldn't have been able to maintain the lifestyle I and DC were used to for long.

Maybe, but a wife tucked away looking after everything at home gives him more opportunity.

The suffragettes called.....

I was a SAHM for six years until youngest started school. I was bored and depressed towards the end which affected my marriage. Once I got a job 30 hours a week which fitted in with school I was a changed woman, busy but happy.

What about this is apparently ‘daft’ or ‘stupid’?

I don’t think it’s the above but more about recognising that taking a career break can have long term implications on future earnings, opportunities & pension. Obviously some careers you can walk back into the same level but not all.

Being a SAHP suits very few people longterm. I doubt it would suit you, OP, if your current life is only made bearable by regular foreign holidays and beauty treatments.

Ugh. Gold digger. Lazy. Entitled.

Successful moneyed people know when they’re being taken for a ride.

One of the reasons highly powered people are attracted to each other is that they know the other is financially independent, in control of their lives, and won’t use them like a cash cow.

@CitrusBeanie She'd still be getting her beauty treatments and foreign holidays courtesy of her rich husband.