I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

[PoliteEagle]

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

The problem with me is that I earn well but I also spend a lot on stuff like overseas travel (go abroad 4 times per year), beauty, gym and other hobbies. If I remove this, I will be living very unhappy life... I am investing 5% of my salary into overpaying a mortgage and another 6% into private pension, have some savings as well but nowhere near enough to be SAHM for 5 years.

kids are going to eat into this! 😆

I don’t think you need a banker etc. I’ve got a professional job, so has my husband, we earn ok (not banker salaries), we have a 3 bed house in London. We could just about afford to live on my salary if my husband wanted to be a SAHP. We couldn’t afford to have all the holidays and days out we do on one salary. It just depends on how much you are happy to give up.

Why don’t you forfeit a few of your holiday and expensive gym memberships to save as much as you can, then use this money to fund the luxuries for the first 3yrs of child rearing before they start school. Then you could do part time to continue this funding.

Yep pretty much

No, I don't think it does, but the long hours might do.

What the wife tucked away at home looking after everything gives him is the knowledge that she'll probably do her best not to find out/suck it up in order to preserve her nice life.

Yes there are some ladies who called me a golddigger but I dont really care tbh. I just wanted to get an opinions of different women her. I understand that many women will not share my view and values and it is okay.

Have you targeted a high earner or it is just happened? The friends I mentioned before, one targeted intentionally men with a potential as she called it, another didnt target intentionally but said she is very traditional and expected a man to cover all expenses while dating. Third one just accidentally met in a pub when she went for afterwork drinks.

I am not sure if I should just look for high earners? from one side it does really sound like a gold digging. From the other, I just want someone with similar values and means for them. I don't want to be a trophy wife, I may want to look like doing side job such gym instructor or seeing if i can open small business.

Decades ago, many women had a choice to be a full time housewife

There are also mothers who would rather work but childcare costs prevent that.

To follow up on @McPlant1's post.

If you break up, yes you get half the assets. But then you also need to remember that have zero income. What do you do then? You need cash to live and if you're used to living the high life that'll be a bitter pill to swallow.

I know someone who had your take on things and she hasn't been successful with her strategy yet. She's 45 and single. Men can smell the desperation and greed a mile off.

I don’t think you need a banker etc. I’ve got a professional job, so has my husband, we earn ok (not banker salaries), we have a 3 bed house in London. We could just about afford to live on my salary if my husband wanted to be a SAHP. We couldn’t afford to have all the holidays and days out we do on one salary. It just depends on how much you are happy to give up.

Did you buy the house recently though as that makes a huge difference.

Oh absolutely - and im sorry that happened to you that must have been very stressful to have on your shoulders. I’ve just made sure I’m clear on his life insurance policy and pension should the absolute worst happen - I think clear communication with your partner in this choice is paramount or you definitely could find yourself in trouble. And as mentioned, I do plan to return to work once they are at school so will aim to boost my own savings and pension again.

I just hear the instant knee jerk ‘why would you want to depend on a man’ comment more and more and it does get frustrating when I know you can protect yourself whilst making that choice, should you have the circumstances.

But yes OP, most sensible plan is to find someone you love in the first place and go from there 😅

at least couple of millions.. but these are stand alone cases
No, not extremely rich, or not even rich at all. Just someone who has means to provide for their family and not living from paycheck to paycheck and who is happy to do so.
I would need to fall in love with him first :) that's gonna be difficult as I am attracted to ambitious, driven and intelligent men. Though these are often are not making good partners

My DIL will be able to be a SAHM as DS is successful in a non commercial field but a trustafarian; her folk are similar to us. Similarly DD will have the choice as bf is also a trustafarian and also a qualified professional in a lucrative field. They have known each other since childhood.

What's your USP?

Is being a trustafarian a USP?! 😆😆😆

About 5yrs ago, so not sure if that’s recent or not! There are a lot of young families where we live.

Agree. Same situation here. 3.5yo and 16mo! Proactive choices and marry a team player.

I earn more than my husband. He admires ambitious, smart, self-sufficient women and would have very quickly seen through one who wanted him for his sperm and his wallet.

(And because I have the song in my head, he’s 6’ 4”, green eyes, and is just a thoroughly fabulous person. We met young and he was on a graduate scheme so I certainly wasn’t after him for his job title).

Fully admire you for wanting to be a SAHM - it is hard work but IMO best for children. Unfortunately it's not a popular view! Fortunately I met someone who fully supported this.
Sad to hear so many negative thoughts about not being financially dependent on your other half!
Whilst I liked the independence of earning my own money, I never wanted that at the expense of my children spending long days in childcare. Or lots of juggling work/children/home. We make our family finances work for us.
Lots of good suggestions here though for getting some financial security behind you.
Whilst you say you earn well and you enjoy spending, are there some more tweaks you could look at making. Thereby still enjoying your life but getting some more finance behind you.

No, I like go-getter self made people, Family wealth is something different, people with family wealth are more chilled in general

Same, I thought I'd been transported back to 1953....

Unfortunately family wealth often matters more than salary these days due to the distorted property market.

@PoliteEagle it's a cliche but the night I met DH there was mutual, animal attraction. After our 2nd date we barely spent a night apart - that was 35 years ago. He was skint at the time although had prospects and a brain the size of a planet. He was about to ditch his profession (barrister) because the fees weren't coming in and he had no help or support from parents. Meeting me, meant he could keep going and it didn't matter that he had no money because I did.

It was happenstance that the fees started rolling in within a couple of years.

What bound us were the same values and beliefs and the fact that we are both careful with money. You would like the income, you would not like the fact that we try not to spend it.

About 5yrs ago, so not sure if that’s recent or not!

not in terms of todays prices and interest rates.

you are right re young men. But I am after someone 35+, I mean 35 is still young, but probably by that time they would break with their university sweetheart. Plus very open to foreigner men who relocated here for work and don't have broad friends circle.
I am also qualified professional in a good field albeit not as lucrative as finance, tech, law. I work for a very big company but I am a bit unsure if it is worthwhile to pursue work romance.

What are you bringing to the table?

There are two types of SAHM in my experience. Women who do an awful lot on very little and women who don't do an awful lot and have a lot.

The former don't tend to be well educated and neither are their partners. They make it work but it's hard and they sacrifice a lot.

The latter tend to have extremely well educated and high earning partners. They are also often well educated and have had their own careers.

Very rare is the not particularly bright trophy wife.

Maybe just marry someone you fall in love with. Someone who's your equal. Being a SAHM with no money of your own is a funny thing to aspire to. I understand not wanting to work full time with a child but there are many other options.

I didnt ask to evaluate me. If you want to call me golddigger, that fine though, i don't much care what other people think of me. Do you have anything to comment re the topic itself?

Because even if we have the same values but no means to fulfill them, how it would be possible?