I want to be SAHM, do I need to marry a banker to become one?

[PoliteEagle]

After being single for a couple of years and doing all the healing, I am now ready for a relationship leading to a family. The thing is, I want a kid but I want to be SAHM, at least till they go to school and then part time max. I have a good professional job but I don't have career aspirations and not really passionate about my job. I just don't see myself juggling work and childcare responsibilities. I have only 3 friends who are SAHMs, two are married to traders and one to big3 management consultant. In nowadays economy is it the only option to be SAHM? to marry a lawyer, banker or a consultant? The last thing I want is to choose SO by their job as it feels incredibly shallow. SAHMs how did you became ones?

No, I live in a working class village and most mums are SAHM until the kids are older. Definitely not just a rich person thing. It does mean belt tightening and benefits etc

Of course he can do these things! I’m just trying to be nice and helpful because I love him and when I see something I can do to make his day easier, I do it. We are one flesh, and neither of us distinguish between doing something to help ourselves or to help the other.

Does he take your shoes off then too?

I love DH to the moon and back but he’s an adult and not a child and capable of working as a doctor and performing basic life skills

No sorry I refuse to believe this is real. I love my husband but the thing I love him is he's a capable functioning adult. Treating someone like a helpless baby is pathetic. Since when did putting toothpaste on a toothbrush or taking off shoes become such ardous tasks that you needed someone to do it for you as a sign of love or to make their day easier.

Absolutely embarrassing. I hope you don't admit that in real life.

Just manage your expectations or marry a trad catholic who expects you to stay at home..

@PoliteEagle you don't want to be a SAHM, you want to be a wealthy SAHM. I know many stay at home mums with a household income less that 50k and 4+ kids but they are very frugal, don't holiday and most homeschool. SAHM means different things

Don't be dependent on a man. Ever.

You really, really do not want to marry a banker who knows all of your eggs are in his basket. He will literally hold all of the cards.

I know women whose lives are utterly miserable because their husbands played away and there wasn’t really a thing they could do about it.

You think transactionally now, because you haven’t gone through the emotional and hormonal turmoil of having small children, your body changed, your boobs leaking milk all over - while your meal ticket does whatever he likes after work, knowing you can’t do a thing about it because if you leave him you’re utterly screwed. You’ll be at home with your mind wandering, feeling worthless and uncared for and he will be out with younger, prettier women who would love to snare the rich banker flashing his cash at the bar.

This is what happens when you marry a man who is happy to buy you. He will see you as having a role (to service him, bear him children and not question anything he does) in the same way you see him as having a role (to fund your fantasy lifestyle).

This doesn’t happen when you marry for love and with shared goals - whether your husband is rich or not.

Find someone you love, who loves you back, with whom you share life goals. Protect your future happiness.

If this was your social circle, you wouldn’t be asking mumsnet for advice on how to bag a member of ‘your own social circle’. You’d have your eye on someone from, you know, socialising with them.

lol my parents are advocate for me to work less hard than them. Work is just a rat race in most of the cases. They say the greatest pay off for them is me being happy which doesn’t mean to them being a career woman. And they didn’t bankrolled my university education. I studied in other European country for free ( just paying some semester fee) and worked part time to support myself.
whats wrong with taken breaks if you are burnt out and need a break and can afford it? You sound super narrow minded. Modern workplace is not about work work work all the till you die.
yes but no one is being born as a parent, people learn…
it is so interesting that you made so many assumptions here about myself and my parents. You sound really presumptions and very narrow minded.

I think she is joking :)

Are there any traditional catholics in this country? This is quite common set up for the US. Also I am an atheist…

Are they in London?

That’s risky indeed. You would need be really smart to manage it well.

lol I am not asking mumsnet how to bag rich guy. My question was to SAHMs in London, how did they manage it. Have they married high earner or they managed other way. That’s it. Learn to read properly.
in one of my posts I mentioned that my ex was on 300k. Learn to read attentively.

obviously I am going to fall in love. Buying etc those are all your own assumptions. Not sure why are you making those? Are you projecting your wishes on me?

And if you meet an amazing man - kind, hard working, generous, positive attitude but is on minimum wage as a window cleaner or warehouse worker- what happens- you reject him?

Parents are born when their children are born. When and/or if you have them, you'll know.

And I didn't once say your parents bankrolled your university experience, that's what your mind read. I said they'd enabled you to make the choice yourself. Open your mind and you'll see. Education is not just university, it is all that comes before that too.

Work is just a rat race in most cases? I'm saddened for you that you haven't found a passion yet or have your own goals. You're young I think, there's time. I hope you find those for yourself before you find a partner that is your equal.

@Parker231 Yes she rejects him because someone on minimum wage would be unable to facilitate her becoming a SAHM plus gym membership and nice holidays.
What's love got to do with it?!!!
My husband works in social care supporting incredibly vulnerable adults with mental health conditions. Crap pay, incredible guy.
Yes I work too because financially I have to, but also because I take a pride in my career and contributing financially to our household.

You may find that people with family wealth will have it protected eg in a trust so that it can't be lost to outsiders. I knew a woman who married a man with family wealth but when they divorced she discovered that 'his' house was in a trust and so was his 'wealth'. She got nothing.

Also beware an ambitious man who may just decide his ambition means relocating to the US, Middle East, Australia...... but forgets to take you and family along. ( Several instances in my family over the years.) The wives were left with nothing of course.

Don't get married in eg France because the chateau looks so pretty.........where it's possible to marry with 'separation des biens. An aquaintance did this naively and discovered she had nothing when they divorced.

My mother's mantra ' NEVER give up your job' still stands.

🤣🤣 no I am well off enough to have the life you want, if I wanted it! Thankfully I did things the right way round and we both started with nothing together.

You don’t start with love when you’re starting with a shopping list of ‘rich man who is happy to keep me for all of eternity’. You’re a gold digger, and they’re very used to sniffing those out.

Should have married your ex then shouldn’t you 🤣

Honestly, you sound awful.

Love isn't going to prevent him from staying , knowing that he has all the power. Although @Parker231 warehouse worker might be a bit too much in the other direction. Wanting someone similar to yourself is fair.

Yes, because I value intellect and ambition a lot. Clearly a man with those qualities wouldn’t go for a job like that. Do you know many couples where a woman is a doctor or a consultant and a man is stacking shelves as Tesco?