MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

The first nail polish thing made me laugh. That is not a thing.

The phone thing I assume she’s not driving using it? It’s just for your child to watch on the way? Given it’s a 20 minute journey I think that’s fine. She’s providing free childcare so as others have said pick your battles Or just pay for a nursery for that day.

This is part of the reason I am in therapy! My mom provided for me, yes, but I wasn't raised well. Abuse, car accidents, her drinking, there was no room to help me rationally gather my thoughts and nicely say something. MIL is intimidating similar to my own mom so sometimes I lose my cool and just blurt stuff out.

I don't see why she needs a screen at all. MIL doesn't like it when child gets antsy while she is driving. But I always said its okay, she will be upset and antsy about anything

It might be OK with you when your child gets upset and antsy when you are driving, but you are not the one driving, your MIL is. If she finds it distracting or annoying to be driving with an upset/antsy toddler, then she's perfectly entitled to provide something to placate them, whether that's a screen or something else.

I just wish she left it installed as she is not hauling anything. She just feels it does not need to be in the car if not in use

Well, she's right, isn't she? She's not the parent of a toddler; she's a grandparent who provides one day of childcare a week. Of course she doesn't want a car-seat strapped to her leather seats 24/7 - she wants her car to feel like her car, not the car of someone who has small kids.

You definitely sound over-anxious and controlling when it comes to your child. I understand that you want the car seat to be safe, obviously! But you also seem to lack a lot of respect and understanding for your MIL.

"i've raised three kids, It's not my first time."

Yes, this is your issue. In her head, it’s all about her. She thinks your requests are calling into question her competence and knowledge and she’s defensive. She’s forgetting that she needs to think of her grandchild’s wellbeing and put that above her own feelings. And she’s also forgetting that this is YOUR child and not hers.

I'm really sorry you had a horrible childhood - but that isn't your MIL's fault and it's not fair to take out your issues on her. She can't help the fact that you have negative associations around mother figures.

Even half a banana, or in a smoothie will cause constipation. Toddler will scream and cry while trying to pass stool, and has had stool impaction as well (not because of bananas but I want to avoid it of course.)

You sound over dramatic at times but your MILs temper , eg throwing the phone, would instantly make me decline her requests to baby sit.

I bet she does say that to her friends, but she'd still be in the wrong. She's deliberately giving a child something that she knows makes them ill - I'm not sure why you think that's 'futile'

Similarly, if you innocently painted a child's nails and were given grief for it then that's one thing. But if you deliberately did it after being asked not to then you lose the right to be mortally offended when they pull you up on it. It doesn't matter whether you think it's a big deal or not, it's not your opinion that matters.

The fact that she's providing "free childcare" also doesn't really matter, it doesn't give you the right to actively overrule mum's requests - either provide it respectfully and safely or end the agreement.

I think your anxiety means that you aren’t comfortable with your MiL looking after your child and therefore you should pay for childcare. It’s important that a car seat should be correctly fitted and it’s important that any food which does not suit your child should not be offered, even if the child enjoys it. There are plenty of other options.

Personally, I don’t think a toddler needs or wants nail varnish, but your child, your choice. Time to start looking at nurseries.

Why did it "make you laugh" and feel the need to proclaim that "that's not a thing"? Are you the judge on what things people are allowed to find important, and only things that are important to you should matter? You can tell from OP's updates that she had a really toxic relationship with her own mother and maybe as a small child or teen this was something that she wished they could do together, but they didn't have the relationship that would allow it. Maybe now she has her own child she has the chance to create these mother and daughter firsts that she didn't get to have herself. Why the need to be so judgy and self righteous?

Shame she cant put the phone to better use and both listen to a children's story or music to sing along to, that used to be my best part of the day when my DS was small. Child seats should not move and she should respect your directions. It would be a shame if she missed out on looking after her DGC because she disagrees with your concerns Does she realise she is jeopardising her contact by doing this?

Perfect reply

If it’s such a short drive why don’t you drop the child off and pick her up as you would with nursery? I’d have loved someone to come and pick mine up from the door!
I have to agree that your valid concerns are being swamped by petty grievances
This woman will be a loving, caring adult in your child’s life and DH has as much right to want his family involved as you have to not have yours involved.

It doesn't sound as if you trust her to take care of your child properly. I don't think the nail varnish issue is serious or the banana one but if you've asked her not to that should be sufficient.

It sounds like you're an over anxious parent with their PFB and you don't know how to pick your battles.

Have you read the OP's updates @Beth216?
The MIL doesn't install the car seat safely and the MIL won't be told. An unsafe car seat is definitely a battle I would pick.

Fair enough about the car seat and bananas, but the other stuff are petty.
My mum and dad do things that aren't quite 'my style' but I let them get on with it because they've agreed to look after my DD for free.

My brother and SiL however are very 'fussy' when my parents look after their sons and it makes my mum feel like crap. She's told me many times and been quite hurt by it, as if she doesn't know how to parent after raising 3 kids.

You are using terms such as watching your child so that she can have a relationship with that side of the family, and having their day together, rather than what it is - child care. Using a phone when driving and giving food that makes your toddler ill is obviously unacceptable, but I suspect that there are a lot more issues if you are being labeled dramatic. Just have an extra day at nursery, it'll be easier in the long run and probably save the relationship with your mil.

If the thought of us deciding to place toddler into full time daycare, she would go nuclear and probably cut us off. We've seen her flip from nice to nasty and we don't know what will set her off.

Husband and I have decided to invite her in tonight she when returns with our daughter, and have a open conversation.

To be honest, any relationship between people which has to go through someone else needs looking at and is not sustainable. Some of your concerns seem more important than others, but the fact is that if you cannot compromise between you, this arrangement is not going to work. But you also need to think about your expectations - for example, you have said you know you MIL is concerned about damage to her leather seats, but also said you dont know why the seat cant stay in the car the whole time. You do know why, you just dont consider it important.

I really want her in full time daycare, she has been in the same one for almost a year. But my husband gets a say too, he is the other parent in this, and he would like his mom to care for her as well.

That is true, I suppose I see her seats trivial to the safety of my child.

We have offered her to stay at our home the one day she is caring for her but she prefers her own house, which is fine. Our daughter loves their dog.

She sounds lazy and yes maybe these things do seem trivial to her, which is exactly why she should shut up and respect your wishes. The phone thing is simply idiotic, of course it's not safe, it could easily fly out and cause a head injury.
Stand your ground - buy that wee gadget thing that secured the phone to the back of the headrest, and you can get a cover for the seat. I have one. They're great.
for everyone saying it's "free childcare" - I disagree, it's family, and a privilege to look after grand children, one which she will lose if she doesn't get her act together

Is there any chance you can sit down with mil and have a heart to heart chat? Could you explain a bit about your own childhood and why you need things done properly as you see it? Let her know you don't mean to attack or demean her, but some things do need to be done a certain way for safety (phone, car seat) and health (food). Also, that you want to be the one to introduce certain things for special memories (nails) as you didn't have that with your own mum. It's sounds tough. Good luck. 🩷

If the thought of us deciding to place toddler into full time daycare, she would go nuclear and probably cut us off.

Is that a bad thing?
Why can't you drop your toddler off at MIL's rather than her come and pick her up?

You're making her feel like she can't do anything right and she's walking on eggshells. Meanwhile you get a day's free childcare out of her. Give a little. The car seat is valid, the rest... you need to be more tolerant. Do you think the nursery staff do everything exactly how you'd like?